Fasting Page #7

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that impacted the Donners

and if you take it too far,

it's exactly what I was saying before -

the body starts shutting down.

- Anorexics fast all the time.

I mean, some people may justify fasting.

If they have an eating

disorder they may say,

well, look, fasting is fixing all these

other medical problems,

we know that eating disorders

are medical and biological

if we're talking about

a brain based disorder.

Maybe fasting will fix my eating disorder.

Well, anorexics fast all the time,

it makes their disorder worse.

Bulimics purge food in a number of ways -

self-induced vomiting is the

one that people think about

or misuse of laxatives

which actually does nothing

to get rid of calories, by the way,

but the other thing that

bulimics do to purge is fast.

So both bulimics and anorexics fast

and it makes their disorder worse,

it does not fix it.

- We did see that in the

archeological record.

Bulimics, remember in Rome

they had the vomiteria,

where they would eat and gorge themselves

and then they'd go throw up.

- Yeah, I think that the

Romans and the vomitoriums

that they would have was sort

of a different phenomenon.

That was much more of a social activity

where people would go and

overindulge on purpose

and then they would vomit

in order to continue

to be able to do that.

Patients with bulimia where

they would binge and then purge

often by vomiting,

they find that both the

binging and the purging

to be highly shameful.

They will go to great lengths to hide this

from their friends,

their family,

it's not something they feel

comfortable doing in generally,

in public.

- I remember the first

time I actually purged

and it wasn't with intents.

I literally had eaten

what I thought I shouldn't

after a long time of anorexia,

after many months of

really starving myself

to the point of insanity,

and I remember I was so hungry

I just couldn't, I gave in,

it was like a physiological

survival urge I couldn't ignore

and I was so anxious while

I was eating that I felt

such an upset stomach,

like it felt like I was

doing something so wrong

and afterwards, I mean, I

ate until I couldn't breathe,

like I couldn't control

myself, I was like,

my body needed it and then,

I felt so worried and panicky

that I was going to gain

a ton of weight,

destroy everything I had already done,

I sort of came in the bathroom

really frantic and scared

and I sort of leaned over the toilet bowl

and I was so painfully

full that just the act

of leaning over, I mean,

food practically came up itself

and it was so painful coming up,

it was like fire lava

just shooting out of you

and at the same time I was

flooded with a sense of relief

like it was, it was like I

could get rid of all the shame.

I could get rid of all

the pain in my life,

I could just get back

to the way I was before

and then I would feel

really panicky and shaky

and I would wonder if anybody heard me

and I would be afraid

that I smelt like vomit

and I just felt really

dirty and really disgusting

and I wanted to pretend the

whole thing didn't happen.

So I would rush over to the sink

and just put so much

toothpaste on my toothbrush

and I was so afraid I

had like splatter on me,

I just felt so disgusting I guess,

on such a deep level and

then I would sit in the bath

for a long time and I would

just run the hot water

over my hands and splash my face

and just feel really

ashamed and embarrassed

and hoped that nobody ever knew that I did

because it felt like the

most despicable thing

on planet earth.

- When the recovery battle

began, I was 145 pounds and 6'3"

and now I stand today at 188 pounds.

I just have maybe an inferiority

complex, if you will.

I was bullied as a young kid and going up

through high school and

it always made me angry

and it made me mad and it felt like

if I could work out harder

and if I could watch my diet even tighter,

that's a way to get back at everybody

and it caused me to have

very bad social anxiety.

It just led me to a life of isolation

because I was afraid that I

was going to eat something

that was unhealthy or I was afraid

that I was going to smell

something and want it

and not have it and I

would feel massive anxiety

so I would just talk

myself out of not going

to these places.

So I came home for Thanksgiving one year

and my brother handed me this packet

that said orthorexia on

it and he threw it at me

and he said, "You have this."

- You're in the upside down all alone

Running from the monster beyond

- Orthorexia is a condition

where you take things

to the extreme.

I specifically remember

tracking my calories

and burning approximately 1800 a day

and consuming only 1400

and if ever a day came

where those numbers were reversed,

I would get so depressed and angry,

it was unbelievable and

I had to super compensate

the next day to make

sure that I was burning

more than I was consuming.

One of the things that

happens when you have

an eating disorder is you

go into this specific type

of depression where you

just don't find pleasure

out of things anymore.

- It's like a dream passing

through a shrouded fable

I've died before but not again

- The only thing that

I really found pleasure

out of was exercising in huge amounts

and working out really hard

and restricting my calories

and seeing how far I can

actually push it or stretch it.

My emotions were all over the place.

To say life became a struggle

is putting it lightly.

I wouldn't go as far as

saying that I was suicidal

but I definitely had given up on life

and I did not want to live another day.

I literally would pray

that I would go over

to the streets of Manhattan

in the afternoon to work

and I would get hit by a

bus going out of control

or get killed in gang warfare or get shot

or stabbed to death.

I would have to say my lowest point

was when I was contemplating jumping

into the East River in Manhattan.

At that moment I just

started thinking about

my mom who was back home living by herself

and a lot of my close

friends and I was wondering

if they even would care 'cause I didn't

and then my phone rang at

the very moment I stepped

onto that rung and it

was my friend, Jessica,

back home in Pennsylvania and

it's ironic how timing works

in this life but it couldn't

have come at a better time

because she basically talked

me down off of that handrail

and I went and sat down at a bench.

The root problem was I

was so mineral deficient

and I had such a lack of food in my system

that I just wasn't thinking properly.

It never really was about food per se,

it was more about my interaction

and relationships with people,

good relationships were fine.

Ones that were a little

rocky just kind of like

triggered me like that

and I would basically

take everything out on food and fitness.

When I began this

journey back to normalcy,

it was not easy.

It was not an easy road.

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