Father of Invention

All things are intrinsically connected,

no matter how different

they may appear.

Hi. You know me... Robert Axle.

As a fabricator, I bring existing,

often very different items together,

maximizing their atomic

and molecular potential,

making ordinary inventions

infinitely more prolific.

Thank you very much.

We've got a big show today.

I've got lots of new items

to tell you about.

In fact, you all remember

the Robert Axle Light-O-Saurus.

Part humidifier, part night light,

the Light-O-Saurus connects

a child's need to feel safe at night

with a parent's need

to keep them healthy.

Then of course there was

the Robert Axle Pepper-Cam,

enabling us to pepper-spray

our assailants

and photograph them

at the same time.

And now introducing

my most inspired fabrication to date...

the Robert Axle Ab Clicker.

You can channel-surf,

watch your favorite programs,

adjust the volume...

all at the same time

that you are getting

that six-pack of abs.

You call the number right below

on the screen here...

You'll get 10% off on the Robert Axle

revolutionary Ab Clicker!

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

# Call me #

# Irresponsible #

# Call me unreliable #

# Throw in #

# Undependable too #

# Do my foolish alibis... #

# Bore you? #

# Well, I'm not too clever... #

# I just adore you. #

There's your change.

# Call me irresponsible #

# Yes, I'm unreliable #

# But it's undeniably true. #

Hey, Robert Axle!

I see you!

Stupid Ab Clicker piece of crap!

Robert Axle!

"Depraved indifference

to human life."

What the hell

does that even mean?

It means that people

are too lazy to do sit-ups

so they stick their fingers

in places

they shouldn't have stuck

their fingers.

All right.

The good news there, Bob...

I got you a job.

Family Mart...

the fourth-largest discount

consumer retailer in the nation.

The assistant general manager

is Troy Coangelo.

You're to see him tomorrow

at 9:
00 AM sharp.

You do realize

that I built my own

$1.6 billion company

from scratch?

You're still a felon, hmm?

A felon who's had nothing

but eight years to brainstorm.

And all I need is one good idea

that puts me right back on top.

within five years.

I just got out early

for good behavior.

Could you let me enjoy that for two

minutes before you start your buzzkill?

Claire Elizabeth Axle...

that your daughter?

Yes.

And she knows you're gonna be

staying with her?

Yes. And it's Claire Elizabeth now.

Smart...

dropped the name.

There you go, sir.

Thanks.

Daddy!

Daddy.

Daddy, it's perfect.

- It's perfect. It's perfect.

- I'm so glad you like it.

- How did you know?

- How did I know?

I'm your father. I'm supposed to know

what to get you for your birthday.

I have an idea.

Will you ride with me?

Honey, I can't right now.

I'm in the middle of doing some work.

Come on, just one ride.

You have time for one ride, Dad.

Honey, you know I'm not much

of a bike guy, all right?

So you ride your bike and I'll come

and find you a little bit later.

Go on, go on, go on.

Happy birthday, baby.

# Maybe if there's something wrong #

# Well, I don't like

how you wait until I'm gone #

# To find a way... #

I'm recording.

Jesus Christ,

you look like hell.

When did you start smoking?

Around the same time you became

a total self-absorbed prick.

You feel good frolicking around

with $362 million of my money?

It's not your money.

It's half your money.

The rest went to the poor innocent

victims whose fingers you chipped off.

You wouldn't have this house

or this life if it weren't for me.

If you think Jerry and I

are gonna give you jackshit

after all you did

and did not do for me and Claire...

Whoa whoa, who's Jerry?

Jerry King...

Lorraine's new husband

and a huge fan of yours.

Axle's Army?

I'm a soldier.

- Hey, baby.

- Hey, baby.

Jerry's a forest ranger.

He protects the land from the people

and the people from the land.

Well, that is such a coincidence,

'cause I made about $40 million

on the Robert Axle Swing 'n' Whack.

Part weed-whacker,

part sand wedge.

- Now you can...

- Trim your lawn

and shots off your short game

with the same device.

Yes, sir.

So, Ranger Jerr,

since you're the new

man of the house,

you think you could let me

crash here for a couple of nights?

- Uh...

- Blow me.

Sorry.

Yeah, it's all right.

Just let me take my car and go.

Can I have the keys, Lorraine?

Don't tell me she gave you my car.

Did she give you my car?

It was a birthday present.

I could give you a ride.

Whee.

I love this sweet b*tch.

Oh baby.

Come on, bring it to Daddy. Yeah.

Hey, look,

your boy got you

a little mini storage, all right?

It's on Fifth and Plymouth...

some old prototypes,

Axle memorabilia,

personal effects and such.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

You're living in my house.

You're humping my ex.

You're driving my car. And you

risk everything for my memorabilia?

Do you know why most people

hate buzzards, Axle?

No, I don't.

Because they feed

on carcasses...

a fact that brings blame

for a killing

that they weren't even

responsible for.

The buzzard

is unjustly persecuted.

Right.

Aww.

You guys, there's a homeless man

at the door.

All I have is two ones and a 20.

Should I just give him the 20?

- We're not letting a nutjob in.

- We're not letting him in.

- I'm gonna slide it under the door.

- Guys, don't.

Calm down. Just 'cause he's homeless

doesn't mean he's dangerous.

Guys, I can handle it.

Just give me a minute, okay?

Let him in.

It's my father.

Just give me a minute.

Wow, look at you.

Wow.

Look at you.

I... I read about your girls' home.

Center for Women's Employment.

Anyway, I just thought

I'd come by and tell you...

Where are you staying?

A shelter.

A shelter, a halfway home?

It's a shelter-home... a hybrid thing.

Well, it must be that one

on Fulton and Sixth.

I heard it's supposed to be nice.

They got new cots last year.

This is stupid.

I shouldn't have come here at all.

I don't know why I did.

Obviously you've got your own life,

your own career.

Wait.

Wait here.

Does he need a place to stay?

'Cause he could stay here.

He's not gonna stay here.

He does not deserve to be around you.

You gotta shut him down,

wall him off.

I mean, he loves you.

He came to see you.

How does that mean he loves her?

He's a user.

Take this.

It's the rainy season.

You'll need it.

Thanks.

I'll give you one month.

Let's go.

- I can pay rent. It's not a problem.

- I don't want rent money.

Okay, well, at least let me

pay for some groceries.

I don't want your grocery money.

You'll get a job... a real job,

'cause at the end of 30 days

you're on your own.

Hi. I'm Donna.

It's so nice to meet you.

Claire and I have been roommates

since freshman year

and I feel like I know

nothing about you.

Well, I wish I could sit

on my couch, but I can't,

'cause Captain Caveman's on it.

- Who's that?

- That's just Phoebe.

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