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Father of Invention Page #2
You know, I'm studying for my LSATs.
Dad wants me to be a lawyer.
He says it doesn't matter what kind.
What do you think?
I don't know.
Where's Phoebe from?
She's from Craigslist, back when
we were looking for a roommate.
Now not so much.
She's a lesbian.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I wouldn't have guessed that.
Oh, Claire, these eggs
are so good...
not too hard, not too soft.
They're right where you want to be.
come in here
and you can compliment her eggs,
and that makes up for the fact
that you've been MIA
for the better part of her life?
Phoebe, can we not get into
the whole MIA thing right now? Okay?
Do you need a bike? 'Cause if you do,
you could totally borrow mine.
Donna, it's okay.
He doesn't need your bike.
So, Phoebe, what do you do
for a living?
- She's a gym teacher.
- Oh, that's interesting.
You know, you don't meet
that many lesbians who teach gym.
I'd rather be a lesbian gym teacher
than the world's
preeminent infomercial douchebag.
Hey, enough. Enough.
You know, I love inventions.
The Ped Egg, the ThighMaster,
I mean, they're amazing.
Donna, he didn't invent those.
Also I'm not really what you call
an inventor, so to speak.
It's more... the term is
"fabricator."
You mean liar?
Actually, according to Webster,
"liar" is the fourth definition
of "fabricator."
I can't believe you remember that.
Well, what's the first?
Well, the first definition is
"someone who creates
by combining existing,
very often diverse standardized parts
and brings them together."
That's what I do.
Keep telling yourself
that bullshit, Bob.
Thanks for breakfast.
And I'd love to stay here
and have this pleasant chat,
but the world's most famous
infomercial douche
doesn't want to be late
for his first day on the job.
- You have a job?
- Yeah, Family Mart.
What do they have you doing? Mopping
the floors or cleaning the toilets?
Phoebe.
Robert Axle, as I live and breathe.
Uh, Troy.
Troy Coangelo.
Hey, you're 19 minutes late,
but don't sweat it, man.
I can rig the time stamp
on the punch-in clock
to make sure you get credit
for a full shift.
Great. Thanks.
Oh, and here is a pen and a pad
in case you get
one of your great ideas.
Oh, and we got guys
in the break room
to get you a foot massage, latte...
whatever you need.
I thought this was
- You know what "felon reform" means?
- Apparently not.
It means you represent
a monumental risk to my company.
And it also means
if you show up late,
forget to shave or so much
I have full authority
to terminate your employment,
no warning, no cause,
no pink slip,
just sayonara, kemosabe.
Wait, I'm confused.
Am I fired?
No, but you're sure as hell
not starting today.
So when am I starting?
Whenever you can show up on time.
Presumably tomorrow.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Hi honey.
Well, you know what?
I saw this leaning up against the wall
and I decided to hang it up for you.
Well, did it ever occur to you
that I didn't want it hung?
No, I didn't think about that fact.
You know what?
I can take it down just as easily.
Oh my God, you got fired,
didn't you?
Fired? Good Lord, no.
As a matter of fact,
this is the first day
that I feel I've done an honest
day's work in a long long time.
In fact, I still had enough time
to come home, reconfigure the fish tank
and look at this...
something I learned in prison...
how to shoot a basket. Which one is he?
Where is my mail?
Oh, well, I made you a terrific new
mail recycling station right over there.
Now you can open your mail,
drop in the bits you don't want
right into that basket without having
to walk all the way to the kitchen.
Yeah, it's probably more comfortable
for you to be in your own room.
But, you know, I can bring the whole
mail opening system into your bedroom.
- Would you stop?
- Stop what?
Stop trying to be Joe Dad.
I'm sorry. You're right.
I'm done. I'm done.
I'm sorry.
What was that?
It's the carbon monoxide detector
I installed.
What was that?
Our new carbon monoxide detector.
Carbon monoxide?
Nobody smokes in this house.
- Donna.
- Yeah?
- Donna.
- Yeah, come in.
Well, it's official.
Everyone in this house hates me.
No, I don't hate you.
Actually I've been looking
at your case
and you gotta help me
understand something.
You were charged for depraved
indifference to human life,
which requires recklessness.
Wasn't it the victims
who were reckless, not you?
I mean, they are the ones
who stuck their fingers in this...
Whoa whoa whoa,
where did you get that?
Dad had one in the attic.
What the hell, Axle?
Argh!
Face or nuts?
- What?
- You violated my fish,
so I get a free shot.
Where do you want it? Face or nuts?
I didn't violate your fish.
I reconfigured the fish tank.
- Then I hung up the paint...
- Face or nuts?
Face.
Oh!
Excuse me, can you point me
to the bathroom?
You look like a smart guy.
Were you aware that these
Steve Leslie discoveries
were in fact discovered
by someone else?
And they're not discoveries at all.
They're fabrications.
So there's very little
discovering going on.
Dude, I just want to know
where the bathroom is.
It's in the back left corner
of the store, behind Housewares.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to think of ways
that we can add value
and make the customer
more informed.
We? There's no we.
There's us... Family Mart,
and you... felon who should not
be talking to customers.
Oh my God.
Whoa.
You're...
I'm fried?
You're fired!
Axle.
You know me?
It's on your shirt.
Want to play some handball?
You don't look so busy to me.
Where's your mother?
- Go talk to her.
- Please, I'm so bored.
You look like a nice kid, but I'm right
in the middle of something.
a lot of fun, but...
Okay.
Argh!
Oh.
- You're too fancy with your feet.
- All right, all right.
Oh, interference.
- Are you accusing me of being a cheat?
- Just serve.
# You and I look good together... #
Oh, whoa whoa whoa.
What is that?
- A kickie.
- Since when are kickies allowed?
- George.
- Gotta go. Bye.
# Let's get inside
out of this weather #
# And there is no one
loves you better #
# Than me, my dear... #
My mom says
you need a haircut.
What's the matter with my hair?
You look somebody
I'm not supposed to talk to.
# Exhaustible but inefficient #
# To get back home #
# To get back home again. #
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Robert Axle Air Cutter...
part clippers, part vacuum,
salon-caliber haircuts
in the privacy of your own home
without the hairy mess
or the heavy prices.
Whoa, check out the new Axle.
Well, do you like it?
I was hoping it's all right. It's...
Yeah, you look
distinguished,
like a college professor.
You know, what would go good
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"Father of Invention" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/father_of_invention_8061>.
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