Father of Invention Page #2

You know, I'm studying for my LSATs.

Dad wants me to be a lawyer.

He says it doesn't matter what kind.

What do you think?

I don't know.

Where's Phoebe from?

She's from Craigslist, back when

we were looking for a roommate.

Now not so much.

She's a lesbian.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I wouldn't have guessed that.

Oh, Claire, these eggs

are so good...

not too hard, not too soft.

They're right where you want to be.

You really think that you can

come in here

and you can compliment her eggs,

and that makes up for the fact

that you've been MIA

for the better part of her life?

Phoebe, can we not get into

the whole MIA thing right now? Okay?

Do you need a bike? 'Cause if you do,

you could totally borrow mine.

Donna, it's okay.

He doesn't need your bike.

So, Phoebe, what do you do

for a living?

- She's a gym teacher.

- Oh, that's interesting.

You know, you don't meet

that many lesbians who teach gym.

I'd rather be a lesbian gym teacher

than the world's

preeminent infomercial douchebag.

Hey, enough. Enough.

You know, I love inventions.

The Ped Egg, the ThighMaster,

the George Foreman Grill...

I mean, they're amazing.

Donna, he didn't invent those.

Also I'm not really what you call

an inventor, so to speak.

It's more... the term is

"fabricator."

You mean liar?

Actually, according to Webster,

"liar" is the fourth definition

of "fabricator."

I can't believe you remember that.

Well, what's the first?

Well, the first definition is

"someone who creates

by combining existing,

very often diverse standardized parts

and brings them together."

That's what I do.

Keep telling yourself

that bullshit, Bob.

Thanks for breakfast.

And I'd love to stay here

and have this pleasant chat,

but the world's most famous

infomercial douche

doesn't want to be late

for his first day on the job.

- You have a job?

- Yeah, Family Mart.

What do they have you doing? Mopping

the floors or cleaning the toilets?

Phoebe.

Robert Axle, as I live and breathe.

Uh, Troy.

Troy Coangelo.

Hey, you're 19 minutes late,

but don't sweat it, man.

I can rig the time stamp

on the punch-in clock

to make sure you get credit

for a full shift.

Great. Thanks.

Oh, and here is a pen and a pad

in case you get

one of your great ideas.

Oh, and we got guys

in the break room

to get you a foot massage, latte...

whatever you need.

I thought this was

a felon reform program.

- You know what "felon reform" means?

- Apparently not.

It means you represent

a monumental risk to my company.

And it also means

if you show up late,

forget to shave or so much

as breathe at the wrong time,

I have full authority

to terminate your employment,

no warning, no cause,

no pink slip,

just sayonara, kemosabe.

Wait, I'm confused.

Am I fired?

No, but you're sure as hell

not starting today.

So when am I starting?

Whenever you can show up on time.

Presumably tomorrow.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Hi honey.

Well, you know what?

I saw this leaning up against the wall

and I decided to hang it up for you.

Well, did it ever occur to you

that I didn't want it hung?

No, I didn't think about that fact.

You know what?

I can take it down just as easily.

Oh my God, you got fired,

didn't you?

Fired? Good Lord, no.

As a matter of fact,

this is the first day

that I feel I've done an honest

day's work in a long long time.

In fact, I still had enough time

to come home, reconfigure the fish tank

and look at this...

something I learned in prison...

I taught one of these guys

how to shoot a basket. Which one is he?

Where is my mail?

Oh, well, I made you a terrific new

mail recycling station right over there.

Now you can open your mail,

drop in the bits you don't want

right into that basket without having

to walk all the way to the kitchen.

Yeah, it's probably more comfortable

for you to be in your own room.

But, you know, I can bring the whole

mail opening system into your bedroom.

- Would you stop?

- Stop what?

Stop trying to be Joe Dad.

I'm sorry. You're right.

I'm done. I'm done.

I'm sorry.

What was that?

It's the carbon monoxide detector

I installed.

What was that?

Our new carbon monoxide detector.

Carbon monoxide?

Nobody smokes in this house.

- Donna.

- Yeah?

- Donna.

- Yeah, come in.

Well, it's official.

Everyone in this house hates me.

No, I don't hate you.

Actually I've been looking

at your case

and you gotta help me

understand something.

You were charged for depraved

indifference to human life,

which requires recklessness.

Wasn't it the victims

who were reckless, not you?

I mean, they are the ones

who stuck their fingers in this...

Whoa whoa whoa,

where did you get that?

Dad had one in the attic.

What the hell, Axle?

Argh!

Face or nuts?

- What?

- You violated my fish,

so I get a free shot.

Where do you want it? Face or nuts?

I didn't violate your fish.

I reconfigured the fish tank.

- Then I hung up the paint...

- Face or nuts?

Face.

Oh!

Excuse me, can you point me

to the bathroom?

You look like a smart guy.

Were you aware that these

Steve Leslie discoveries

were in fact discovered

by someone else?

And they're not discoveries at all.

They're fabrications.

So there's very little

discovering going on.

Dude, I just want to know

where the bathroom is.

It's in the back left corner

of the store, behind Housewares.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to think of ways

that we can add value

and make the customer

more informed.

We? There's no we.

There's us... Family Mart,

and you... felon who should not

be talking to customers.

Oh my God.

Whoa.

You're...

I'm fried?

You're fired!

Axle.

You know me?

It's on your shirt.

Want to play some handball?

I'm a little busy right now.

You don't look so busy to me.

Where's your mother?

- Go talk to her.

- Please, I'm so bored.

You look like a nice kid, but I'm right

in the middle of something.

I'm sure handball would be

a lot of fun, but...

Okay.

Argh!

Oh.

- You're too fancy with your feet.

- All right, all right.

Oh, interference.

- Are you accusing me of being a cheat?

- Just serve.

# You and I look good together... #

Oh, whoa whoa whoa.

What is that?

- A kickie.

- Since when are kickies allowed?

- George.

- Gotta go. Bye.

# Let's get inside

out of this weather #

# And there is no one

loves you better #

# Than me, my dear... #

My mom says

you need a haircut.

What's the matter with my hair?

You look somebody

I'm not supposed to talk to.

# Exhaustible but inefficient #

# Following our intuition #

# To get back home #

# To get back home again. #

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Robert Axle Air Cutter...

part clippers, part vacuum,

salon-caliber haircuts

in the privacy of your own home

without the hairy mess

or the heavy prices.

Whoa, check out the new Axle.

Well, do you like it?

I was hoping it's all right. It's...

Yeah, you look

distinguished,

like a college professor.

You know, what would go good

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