Father of Invention Page #3

with that midlife crisis

is an earring

or maybe a Mazda Miata.

You know what would go great

with that winning personality of yours?

A therapist.

- Claire, where are you going?

- My mom's.

Wait up.

I'll walk out with you.

Don't we have our own

washer and dryer?

We have a washer and dryer. She doesn't

want to be around you, douchebag.

You realize you're playing

a plastic guitar?

- Guitar or drums?

- What?

You rag on my Rock Band, I'm gonna

kick your ass. Guitar or drums?

I didn't rag on your Rock Band.

I was making an obser...

Guitar or drums?

Guitar?

I want to play guitar.

You can play the drums.

It makes no sense to me that you would

invite him to your fundraiser.

I cannot not invite him.

He lives with us.

That's just rude.

Well, you live with the fish

and you didn't invite the fish.

I did not come here

to talk about Robert Axle.

Well, that's too bad, because

Robert Axle is gonna be the only thing

that people are talking about

if you invite him to the gala.

And no one is gonna be writing

a check for you

if they know you're affiliated

with that.

I get it.

Oh, I forgot. I have clothes.

I have clothes to donate

to the women's center.

Ma, it's really okay.

Do you remember that single mother

that you introduced me to?

I know she's got that job interview,

so what about this for her?

Doesn't it just say,

"Hire me," "Power" and...?

- Oh, and you could pair it...

- Mom. Mom.

...with this fantastic leopard.

Just look.

- Mom.

- Just look. Watch.

If we don't raise

the money we need to raise,

can I count on you for a loan?

I swear to God, I'll pay you back.

I mean, you have offered

a thousand times.

And you know what?

I'm really proud of myself

that I'm not afraid to ask you for help.

It's a big step for me.

- It's gone.

- What's gone?

The money's gone.

I'm filing for bankruptcy.

You spent $362 million?

Well, you know,

there were funds.

There were mutual things.

And you know what?

There's a lot of causes

that I feel very strongly about,

like that elephant rescue.

What about your album?

It went gold. You sold 500,000 copies.

I bought 498,000 copies myself.

You're kidding me.

I wanted a gold record, okay?

Is that the crime of the century?

You're right.

What do you mean, I'm right?

I'm a horrible horrible mother...

horrible.

Mom.

Yellow is coming.

Yellow yellow yellow yellow,

red red, blue blue.

Oh, this is incredible.

This is like,

feel like a rock star

in the comfort of your own home.

This is one fabrication

I wish I could call my own.

I know. It's like a drug, isn't it?

The crowd is screaming for us.

Imagine this with a microphone.

Eight years

with nothing to do but think,

and I don't come up with one

single good idea.

Dude, don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, you got a good job.

No, actually I don't anymore.

I got fired from Family Mart.

Blue blue, red.

Wow, that's impressive. They have

some real derelicts working there.

And then I bust myself

trying to fix up this house.

I even hung that painting

for Claire.

She hated it so much,

I wish I'd never done it.

She wasn't mad. She's been trying

to hang that thing since I moved here.

All right, tell me something

about yourself

besides the fact

that you're an angry lesbian.

- That's all I got.

- I got that part. Something else.

I got fake tits when I was 30.

They look real to me.

That's 'cause I had

a take-back-the-night moment

and I had them yanked out

three months later.

Wow, that just totally

threw me off rhythm.

Lorraine baby, come down.

You're scaring us.

My daughter finally needs me

and I'm broke.

It's only two stories.

She won't kill herself.

The worst she could do

is break her leg.

No, I could crack my neck.

Mom, I'll be okay.

I see this all the time

in the forest:

baby bird wants to leave the nest;

mama bird gets all antsy,

pacing, pecking.

She thinks baby bird

doesn't know how to fly.

And she flies.

Does she?

Actually no.

A lot of times she dive-bombs

into the ground, beak first.

Okay, that's not helping.

I don't care about the money, Mom.

Okay, but if I come down,

you have to promise

you're not gonna invite him.

I will not invite him.

I promise.

All right.

Stop, okay? I heard you.

What do you want?

Hi!

Claire!

Yeah, I heard you.

What do you want?

I thought we could

go for coffee.

What?

No, you're not coming with me.

What?

So what is it with your mother

and this music crap?

It's not crap.

It's her thing.

So Phoebe tells me

that you sew clothes

for the women at the center.

How long have you been doing that?

Is it okay if we don't talk?

Just trying to start a conversation.

I like magazines more than books.

And I really enjoy bingo.

I like bingo.

And I've been having

rabid erotic sex since I was 15.

I don't need any of the details.

The guy was 39.

Oh, stop it.

You are kidding.

Yes, I'm kidding.

Did you give me this jacket

because it's rainy season

or because you wanted me

to look like a tool?

A little bit of both.

Huh.

- Thanks.

- You're very welcome.

Hey, are you hungry?

I could eat.

Yeah, me too.

See, some people think

jumping jacks don't do anything.

Well, I'll tell you what, Abby... you do

these jumping jacks for 30 minutes,

you're gonna sweat your balls off.

This sh*t is hard.

All right, now we're doing windmills.

I'll tell you what, Savannah...

you want a boy to text you,

you do these windmills.

You want a date to the prom,

do windmills.

Andre, you want the girls

to think you're hot, do windmills.

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

Sorry. I hate to disturb you

in the middle of your class,

but I just... I need your help.

I'm really busy

enriching these kids' lives.

No, that's great.

I just need...

Andre, toes. Toes, not shins. Toes.

I need a new outfit.

Are you sure this is

the right store for me?

I'm trying to make you cooler,

you see,

not go to the stores that you

usually go to... the uncool ones.

I haven't been to a store

in quite a long time, frankly.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hey.

He needs to exchange his suit.

Six bucks.

Six bucks?

This cost me four grand.

I sold my first fabrication in this.

This is my lucky goddamn suit.

I don't think it's lucky anymore,

do you?

Don't sell it then.

Use your parolee money. I don't care.

I don't have any more, all right?

I had to buy stuff.

What did you buy?

You know, taxis, donuts,

deodorant.

I'll go up to seven bucks.

- Looks good.

- I feel like an a**hole.

You are an a**hole,

but you look better.

- I look like a lesbian.

- You look gender-neutral.

Gender-neutral? That wasn't exactly

the look I was going for.

It's cool.

It's like urban DJ.

Right.

Lily!

Lily!

- Lily!

- Did you lose your dog, ma'am?

No, it's my daughter.

I can't find my daughter.

- Oh, is that her? Hey.

- Lily, Lily.

Don't ever do that.

Don't ever run away from me

again like that.

You scared Mommy. Do you understand

what could happen to you?

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