Fifty Pills
Hi. I hate myself.
Leave a message.
Darren, you dumb son of a b*tch, stop
wallowing in self pity and wake up.
Christ. All right, look. I'm already
on my way to Philly for the weekend.
Lindsays being a b*tch about something.
Someone told her I banged
her older sister, which I did.
for that week in September.
I don't know why shes so pissed about
it. But anyway, I gotta head down there
before she goes ballistic on
me. But, um, back to my point. I
Hi. I hate myself.
Leave a message.
Darren, you dipshit. I
know you're still sleeping.
So wake up. I found a way
for your ass to stay in school.
Okay, man look. I felt kinda bad
about the whole thing with the alcohol
violation, and your scholarship.
You're the one that threw
the party, you a**hole.
I'm the one that threw the party,
and I'm the a**hole. I know.
is my way of making it up to you.
Okay? Now look on my desk.
There are 50 pills of
ecstasy, and one of my pagers.
Now you have to remember
there's no voicemail on that one
so the numbers are gonna
come straight through, okay?
Look, exams are over, my man, and
you know are gonna wanna get down
What the f*** are you talking
about, Coleman? I cant do this.
Sure you can. - I am not like you.
I'm not a f***ing drug dealer.
What are you thinking, man? Are you
crazy? - Darren, you'll do fine.
But, uh, no, this
- No. No buts.
I am gonna f***ing get arrested.
Look, man. Its only one day,
and no ones gonna notice you.
I have to turn in a paper
on Dantes Inferno today.
Look, man, uh, I gotta go.
You're, you're breakin up here really
bad. Listen hang in there, buddy, bye.
No, don't you f***ing hang
up this... Coleman! Coleman,
I cant do this. I'm
not gonna do this. F***!
Holy sh*t.
I hate you, Coleman!
#FIFTY PILLS#
#NEW YORK CITY#
#FOUR MONTHS EARLIER#
#COLEMAN#
My first year at college.
Its about damn time. Thats what
you're supposed to say, right?
Within 10 minutes, I met
my new roommate, Coleman.
From the first time I saw him, I
knew Id never met anybody like him.
Yo, yo, Green Day. What the f***,
does this look like my bathroom?
What are you gonna do next, take
a sh*t on my bed? - Yo, man, sorry.
Yeah, don't be sorry,
just fix it. Its simple.
Hey, whats up, man, I'm Coleman.
I didnt know if I wanted
to know anybody like him.
It made me wonder why his parents sent
movers instead of coming by themselves.
Mine, mine wanted to. Just they really
couldnt take the time off of work.
Do well, son.
First time away from home?
- Yeah. I went to camp, though, once.
You ever had international phone sex?
- What?
Wait, hold that thought.
Uh, do you smoke?
Hell yeah, I'm from
North Carolina, come on.
I grew up on these things.
Thats okay. Enjoy.
You cant imagine how rad it is to
get off while talking to some chick
on another continent whos getting
off, and sometimes in a language
that you don't even speak. Kicks ass.
I was impressed. It was either at
that moment or somewhere near it
that Coleman became
my new personal hero.
Its like this. If you
act like the f***in man
and you think you're the f***in
man, then nothing is gonna make
that other schmuck lookin up to you
think that you're not the f***in man.
Everything in
life involves a little creativity.
It literally took Coleman
about five minutes
No, no, no, no, no. Four
minutes, 15 seconds, please.
Four minutes, 15 seconds to realize
that we had to have a moving in party.
The best way to have a good party is
To f***ing advertise. New
York, I'm here, b*tches!
Apparently, summer
internships at his fathers
multimillion dollar PR
firm really paid off.
Yeah, you know thats what I'm packin.
Dude.
- What?
Did they pretend they don't
like it? They f***in love it.
You know, I doubt it.
Why do you think they come
here? Same reason you did.
To learn?
Yeah, welcome.
Okay, everybody, lets
go, partys over, come on.
Make sure you take cabs.
- I know. Stupid. Really stupid.
This is when I realized that Coleman
should be no ones personal hero.
See, what we failed to realize was
that if we write about the party
on every whiteboard in the dorm,
the RAs are gonna see it too.
Darren Giles. Welcome to college.
Yeah, I think were gonna
have to write you guys up.
No, you don't have to
- Check, check, three checks.
Thats a lotta checks. - You guys
are like a couple of Germans.
I don't even know what that means.
You see, what happened is we invited this
guy that lives on our hall to come over
and hang out, and it just got
outrageous. I don't know what happened.
Could this have had
anything to do with it?
You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,
so get your ass down to room 315
tonight and meet the real Tin Man?
Well, he
- he looks happy.
And how about this?
- That? That belongs to Coleman.
Christ, I made that thing with
some friends in high school.
Its for show. I drink out of glasses.
I would never use something like that.
You and your
roommate are going on probation
On probation?
- Probation.
What do you wanna do next? You
wanna put a collar around my nutsack?
Yes, sir?
- Felicia,
bring a collar for his nutsack.
And you goin on probation today.
You goin on probation as of
two minutes after you leave here.
And if you try it, if you have a little
one, if you have a little tiny drink,
you are goin to lose that scholarship,
you are going to lose your financial
aid, and I will personally make sure
that you never go to another
university for the rest of your life.
From the second day of my college
existence, I had one strike against me.
So, now all we had to do was be good.
And we were good. Good at
not getting caught again.
Believe it or not, I was
actually looking forward
to Thanksgiving break
with my parents.
Clean sheets, toilet
paper, a refrigerator.
With food in it.
Doreen, you have outdone yourself
with that stuffing. Fantastic.
Son, your mother and I have
something wed like to tell you.
Yeah. No need to be
alarmed
whats the best way to put this?
I don't know, the best way to put it is
that were going through a few changes.
Yeah, were, uh
- You're not pregnant, are you?
No.
No, no. I should be so lucky, huh?
- What the hell does that mean?
Harold, its been four months, and
if it werent for Mr. Red upstairs,
Id probably have lost my mind.
Damn, Mom, thatsdisgusting! Were
eating. - Don't say damn to your mother.
And you don't have to bring up our
intimate times in front of the boy.
Well, honey, a little companionship
in that department would be very nice.
I can't believe this.
- Im gonna go upstairs.
I'm allergic to the Viagra.
- What?
Yeah, uh, it makes me sweat,
and gives me wet shits.
Oh, I am sorry. I mental images are.
Honey, that was the kielbasa.
- You sit down. Its not the kielbasa.
We had to sent that carpet to
the cleaners. It cost a fortune.
Sit. Talk.
Son, I have something very
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