Fifty Pills

Hi. I hate myself.

Leave a message.

Darren, you dumb son of a b*tch, stop

wallowing in self pity and wake up.

Christ. All right, look. I'm already

on my way to Philly for the weekend.

Lindsays being a b*tch about something.

Someone told her I banged

her older sister, which I did.

But it was while we broke up

for that week in September.

I don't know why shes so pissed about

it. But anyway, I gotta head down there

before she goes ballistic on

me. But, um, back to my point. I

Hi. I hate myself.

Leave a message.

Darren, you dipshit. I

know you're still sleeping.

So wake up. I found a way

for your ass to stay in school.

Okay, man look. I felt kinda bad

about the whole thing with the alcohol

violation, and your scholarship.

You're the one that threw

the party, you a**hole.

I'm the one that threw the party,

and I'm the a**hole. I know.

So I guess you could say this

is my way of making it up to you.

Okay? Now look on my desk.

There are 50 pills of

ecstasy, and one of my pagers.

Now you have to remember

there's no voicemail on that one

so the numbers are gonna

come straight through, okay?

Look, exams are over, my man, and

you know are gonna wanna get down

What the f*** are you talking

about, Coleman? I cant do this.

Sure you can. - I am not like you.

I'm not a f***ing drug dealer.

What are you thinking, man? Are you

crazy? - Darren, you'll do fine.

But, uh, no, this

- No. No buts.

I am gonna f***ing get arrested.

Look, man. Its only one day,

and no ones gonna notice you.

I have to turn in a paper

on Dantes Inferno today.

Look, man, uh, I gotta go.

You're, you're breakin up here really

bad. Listen hang in there, buddy, bye.

No, don't you f***ing hang

up this... Coleman! Coleman,

I cant do this. I'm

not gonna do this. F***!

Holy sh*t.

I hate you, Coleman!

#FIFTY PILLS#

#NEW YORK CITY#

#FOUR MONTHS EARLIER#

#COLEMAN#

My first year at college.

Its about damn time. Thats what

you're supposed to say, right?

Within 10 minutes, I met

my new roommate, Coleman.

From the first time I saw him, I

knew Id never met anybody like him.

Yo, yo, Green Day. What the f***,

does this look like my bathroom?

What are you gonna do next, take

a sh*t on my bed? - Yo, man, sorry.

Yeah, don't be sorry,

just fix it. Its simple.

Hey, whats up, man, I'm Coleman.

I didnt know if I wanted

to know anybody like him.

It made me wonder why his parents sent

movers instead of coming by themselves.

Mine, mine wanted to. Just they really

couldnt take the time off of work.

Do well, son.

First time away from home?

- Yeah. I went to camp, though, once.

You ever had international phone sex?

- What?

Wait, hold that thought.

Uh, do you smoke?

Hell yeah, I'm from

North Carolina, come on.

I grew up on these things.

Thats okay. Enjoy.

You cant imagine how rad it is to

get off while talking to some chick

on another continent whos getting

off, and sometimes in a language

that you don't even speak. Kicks ass.

I was impressed. It was either at

that moment or somewhere near it

that Coleman became

my new personal hero.

Its like this. If you

act like the f***in man

and you think you're the f***in

man, then nothing is gonna make

that other schmuck lookin up to you

think that you're not the f***in man.

Everything in

life involves a little creativity.

It literally took Coleman

about five minutes

No, no, no, no, no. Four

minutes, 15 seconds, please.

Four minutes, 15 seconds to realize

that we had to have a moving in party.

The best way to have a good party is

To f***ing advertise. New

York, I'm here, b*tches!

Apparently, summer

internships at his fathers

multimillion dollar PR

firm really paid off.

Yeah, you know thats what I'm packin.

Dude.

- What?

Did they pretend they don't

like it? They f***in love it.

You know, I doubt it.

Why do you think they come

here? Same reason you did.

To learn?

Yeah, welcome.

Okay, everybody, lets

go, partys over, come on.

Make sure you take cabs.

- I know. Stupid. Really stupid.

This is when I realized that Coleman

should be no ones personal hero.

See, what we failed to realize was

that if we write about the party

on every whiteboard in the dorm,

the RAs are gonna see it too.

Darren Giles. Welcome to college.

Yeah, I think were gonna

have to write you guys up.

No, you don't have to

- Check, check, three checks.

Thats a lotta checks. - You guys

are like a couple of Germans.

I don't even know what that means.

You see, what happened is we invited this

guy that lives on our hall to come over

and hang out, and it just got

outrageous. I don't know what happened.

Could this have had

anything to do with it?

You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,

so get your ass down to room 315

tonight and meet the real Tin Man?

Well, he

- he looks happy.

And how about this?

- That? That belongs to Coleman.

Christ, I made that thing with

some friends in high school.

Its for show. I drink out of glasses.

I would never use something like that.

You and your

roommate are going on probation

On probation?

- Probation.

What do you wanna do next? You

wanna put a collar around my nutsack?

Yes, sir?

- Felicia,

bring a collar for his nutsack.

And you goin on probation today.

You goin on probation as of

two minutes after you leave here.

And if you try it, if you have a little

one, if you have a little tiny drink,

you are goin to lose that scholarship,

you are going to lose your financial

aid, and I will personally make sure

that you never go to another

university for the rest of your life.

From the second day of my college

existence, I had one strike against me.

So, now all we had to do was be good.

And we were good. Good at

not getting caught again.

Believe it or not, I was

actually looking forward

to Thanksgiving break

with my parents.

Clean sheets, toilet

paper, a refrigerator.

With food in it.

Doreen, you have outdone yourself

with that stuffing. Fantastic.

Son, your mother and I have

something wed like to tell you.

Yeah. No need to be

alarmed

whats the best way to put this?

I don't know, the best way to put it is

that were going through a few changes.

Yeah, were, uh

- You're not pregnant, are you?

No.

No, no. I should be so lucky, huh?

- What the hell does that mean?

Harold, its been four months, and

if it werent for Mr. Red upstairs,

Id probably have lost my mind.

Damn, Mom, thatsdisgusting! Were

eating. - Don't say damn to your mother.

And you don't have to bring up our

intimate times in front of the boy.

Well, honey, a little companionship

in that department would be very nice.

I can't believe this.

- Im gonna go upstairs.

I'm allergic to the Viagra.

- What?

Yeah, uh, it makes me sweat,

and gives me wet shits.

Oh, I am sorry. I mental images are.

Honey, that was the kielbasa.

- You sit down. Its not the kielbasa.

We had to sent that carpet to

the cleaners. It cost a fortune.

Sit. Talk.

Son, I have something very

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