Finding Neighbors Page #2

"along with more broadly

drawn characters.

"The novel was overshadowed

by the derivative motion picture

"which opened to mixed reviews,

"but they attracted

a crass mass-market audience,

which was not at all the kind

of following Tucker coveted."

- Wait a minute.

You make me sound...

elitist.

- Hello.

Did you meet the actors?

- I refused to go to the set.

- You dolt.

- It was sophomoric.

- Parts were so funny.

The miniature golf scene,

come on.

- Fine.

I love miniature golf.

- Sh*t.

Now what?

- Like the nice man

that you are,

you wait for my turn.

- Yeah.

- What the hell?

- I thought

you were good at this.

- You know, Paul and I have

such a hard time making friends.

- How did you meet?

- Online.

- How long has it been?

- Two years, a month, four days.

- And you hit a rough patch.

- I'm holding on

to someone else.

- Who?

- My darling, Jack.

Now the bastard sends an email.

- Hey.

- Wow.

- When was the last time

I told you

how much I appreciate you?

- I can't remember.

- That's exactly what I thought.

Peppered pork.

- Nice.

Looks like you're enjoying

yourself.

They're good.

- You know what?

I am.

I had a pretty good day.

- How much have you had?

- There's the bottle.

Check it out.

- Sorry.

Can I help?

- Suit yourself.

- I'll set the table.

- Hey.

- Hey, were you home today?

- I was.

- Did you notice anything?

- What do you mean?

- At our house.

- Uh, no.

- Sam's acting weird.

There was this lip gloss.

- That is weird.

- Yeah, and two tea cups.

- Hmm.

- Passionate Peach.

That is not something

I would use.

- So it wasn't you.

- Well,

I did come by for a beer.

- A beer?

- Mar, Sam,

he seems so depressed.

He's at that age where he wants

to shake it while he can,

make hay, wild oats,

you know, or at least feel

like he could.

Can he?

- That's really personal.

Of course he can.

- I'll be honest.

I've thought about it.

I have.

- Thought about what?

- Sex.

- With my husband?

- Come on.

It's just a fantasy.

- Okay, you know what?

Forget about it.

Clearly I can see

this was a mistake.

- Why?

- You're still a mess.

- Bon apptit.

- Cheers.

- Did something happen at work?

- No, work's fine.

It's good, actually.

Are you depressed?

- Do I look depressed?

- You do have

some of the symptoms.

- Okay.

- All right, look.

Here's the deal.

Is there something

that you need to tell me?

I mean, I don't know.

Is something going on?

- No.

- Are you sure?

What's this?

- Oh, that.

It's, um, you know, Jeff.

- Jeff?

- Next door.

- Is that the truth?

- Of course it's the truth.

- And Sherrie?

- Yeah.

I mean... she stopped by.

- Why?

- I don't know.

She was just doing her thing.

- Yeah?

What were you doing?

- Come on.

I mean, there's flirtation

there, of course.

I admit it, but it's flattering,

nothing more.

Are you okay?

- I don't know.

Am I?

- It's harmless.

- I'm not hungry.

- Well, that went well.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Today's the 15th.

- It's the 16th over here.

- I can't wait

to see you tomorrow.

- Me too.

Well, I was just

leaving the apartment, Sherrie.

I'm sorry.

You know,

so much to do before I leave.

- That's okay.

Then I'll see you tomorrow.

- Ciao.

- Ciao.

- So can we talk

when I get home tonight?

- Absolutely.

- All right.

I got to go.

- Well, skedaddle.

- So have a good day.

Hey, Sam, I mean that.

- You too.

- How are you doing today?

Mostly...

I just hate you.

- What do you hate about me?

Okay.

I like your chain.

I noticed it earlier.

But it's broken.

What does that mean?

- Freedom.

- It was groundbreaking,

in regards to the style

and the kind of stories

you told.

- Drover Boy?

It was about a cattle drive

in the Australian Outback.

- Such a sweeping,

romantic canvas.

The crossing

of an entire continent

while searching for the boy.

- Who is a girl.

- Dressed as a boy.

Believe me,

when you're 17 and coming out,

you'll take inspiration

in whatever form it comes.

Oh, and all that

delicious description

about what he sees

along the way,

from a man.

- You mean the drover?

- You.

- I don't know.

God, I haven't thought

about that in a long time.

- Where did that come from?

- God only knows.

- From high in that ivory tower

of yours.

- Give me a break.

Damn.

You aced me.

- Of course I did.

- Do you care for tuna melts?

- I've never had one.

- Oh, then it's settled.

- Groundbreaking.

- Hi.

- Hey.

You went late.

- Yeah, I did.

What are you looking at?

- My roots.

- That's good.

I called you today.

- Well, I never heard it ring.

- Did you see this?

- Nope.

- Andy Koch won the Hugo.

- Goddamn it!

Oh, he's a f***ing slime.

He ruined Bluebird.

- You never said that before.

- I'm saying it now.

- Look, Sam, there's probably

a more constructive way

you could look at this.

- Please.

What am I, one of your kids?

- You know what?

Forget about it, okay?

I'm just trying to help.

- Hey, um...

I'm really sorry.

It's my problem.

I get that.

Mary?

- Come here.

- That's the one I used to love,

that skirt.

First time we went out.

- Tell me more.

- Weren't we supposed to talk?

- What was that?

- You said you wanted it crazy.

Oh, Sam.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Me too.

Where'd you learn that?

- TV.

- Oh, my God, Sam.

- Hello.

- I finally read it.

- What?

- Jack's email!

- You never looked at it?

- 'Cause I knew.

Of course I knew.

He wants me to visit.

- Oh.

Then maybe you should.

- What?

- You said it yourself.

You're holding on.

Maybe this'll help.

- Let's go for it.

- Me?

- Sammy, if I don't go now,

I never will.

- It does this sometimes.

- We're already late.

- Let's take yours.

- I don't own one.

- The Mustang?

- No, that's Paul's.

I can't touch it.

- Oh.

You really are the housewife.

- Oh, screw you.

- Plan B.

- Morning.

- Oh, hi.

- It's right over there.

Upstairs.

- What do you need,

about an hour?

- How long does it take?

- So, Sam.

- Yeah.

- What goes through your head?

- When?

- When you watch me.

- Come on.

It just happened once.

- Do you touch yourself?

- What?

- Masturbate.

- No.

- Why not?

- It's against my religion.

Haven't you ever wanted to have

a fully open conversation

with a member

of the opposite sex?

No agenda?

- Maybe.

But I never thought about it

enough to want to pursue it.

- Oh, come on.

Now is your chance.

So?

- Okay, sometimes I do...

later.

- What?

- What you asked.

- Oh.

What do you think about?

- I think about a lot

of different things, you know.

- And when you're having sex?

- Okay, like, sometimes...

well, I'll think about burgers.

- Hamburgers?

- Yes.

- When I'm getting a little too,

you know, excited,

and I don't want to...

- Go on.

- Well, it's like they're

on the grill,

you know,

and they're grass-fed.

There's not much fat,

so you only need

about two or three minutes

a side,

and then you flip them over.

- And if you're losing it?

Yeah.

- Well, then,

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