Firehouse Dog

---

[drumroll]

[rousing orchestral

fanfare playing]

[fanfare ends]

[quiet, noble theme plays]

[theme ends with a flourish]

SHANE:
Stars.

From a distance,

they seem so mysterious,

so powerful, so perfect.

You'd never guess they're

really just big, bloated balls

of hot, smelly gas.

Unless, by some

freaky twist of fate,

you got close to one, like I did.

Because the star

I'm talking about is...

an actor,

an actor living in paradise.

So rich, so pampered,

so out of touch,

he forgot what real life was like.

- MAN:
Waiting on talent!

- WOMAN:
Waiting on talent!

- Or maybe, he never really knew.

- MAN #2:
Waiting on talent!

Hey, Liz, what's up?

Time is up, Trey.

Is he coming out or not?

It's not looking good.

I mean, he's really depressed.

Why?

[sighs]

Come in.

But park the negativity

outside,

and I'll show you why.

Hmm?

A fleece?

A black-and-white spotted fleece?

I mean, one of your P.A.s

was wearing this.

So what?

It reminds him

of the girl that broke

his heart is so what.

And now he's in there, and he

can't think of anything else.

Trey, the director's furious.

The weather's getting dicey,

and the plane's been sitting

on the runway idling for hours.

It's his last skydiving shot, Trey.

There must be something

that I can do.

Rexxx...

Rexxx?

All he sees is Lola.

[Rexxx whimpering]

[beads tinkling]

[tango playing]

[whimpering]

[grunting]

[grunting continues]

[whimpering]

[groaning]

LIZ:
This is crazy, Trey.

He has to work.

Then you tell him.

Rexxx...

we are talking about your legacy.

- [whimpers]

- That's right.

Your legacy.

Compared to you,

that Taco Bell dog

is just a footnote in history.

[whiny groan]

[growling]

[barking]

I had no idea that bugged him.

Let's get his tuxedo

and his props on.

Yes.

Let's shoot this thing, buddy.

Secret Agent

Dewey Branson

is ready for action.

- [barking]

- Liz...

you're a miracle worker.

Thank you.

- MAN [over radio]: "A" camera's set.

- WOMAN:
"B" camera's good to go.

MAN 2:

"C" and "D" cameras are ready.

SHANE:
But sometimes miracles...

- MAN 3:
Copy that.

- ...can turn into nightmares.

[indistinct radio chatter]

...seven, take one, we have feed.

[thunder rumbles]

Oh, my God!

What happened?!

It's not my fault!

The lightning popped the chute

before I could strap it on!

[howling]

[howling continues]

[squishing]

[groaning]

[adhesive parting]

[whimpering]

[howling]

[howling]

Liz... Liz...

i-i-it's his.

We're close. We're close.

MAN:

You guys look over there by that hill.

We have to keep looking.

LIZ:
Trey...

Trey, his hairpiece

could have landed

miles away from...

from the rest of him.

There are lakes and rivers

all over this place.

I...

I'm sorry.

I was supposed to take care of him.

I suck.

I suck.

- [sobbing]:
I suck.

- No.

[sobbing]:
I suck. I suck!

You don't suck.

[engine idling]

[whines softly]

SHANE:

Maybe the lesson is:

sometimes, to get

to real paradise,

you need to take a road

so dark, there are no stars.

MAN:
Help!

[coughing]

Help me!

I can't get out!

Is anyone there?

Help me! Shane...!

[gasps]

Shane, you're drooling.

Dude, you are freaking out.

What's up with you?

I didn't get any sleep

at all last night.

I was playing Alien Siege

for 11 straight hours.

Oh, you're so lucky your old man

pulls 24-hour shifts, dude.

What level did you get up to?

Uh, 13. I was blazing.

J.J.:
You're such a liar.

There's no level higher than nine.

Not for you, J.J.

Obviously, you didn't

see the black hole.

Uh-huh.

So, Shane, if you were

gaming all night,

I guess you're not worried

about the science test.

[school bell ringing]

See you there.

Arlo took it first period.

He said it was brutal.

Aw, man, I'm doomed.

And I'm way doomed.

Hey, guys,

I'm just gonna hit

the head real quick.

[rock music playing]

TEACHER:
Keep your books closed.

You may not refer to your notes.

Do not look at anyone else's test.

Please be sure to put your name

in the top left-hand corner.

And read through in its entirety.

Go.

[man singing rock]

[siren whooping]

[man singing rock fades]

How's it going, Shane?

Don't you guys have

a fire to put out?

Picking up filters for the rig.

So, what, you ditching school today?

Uh, hello? Holiday.

Malcolm X's birthday.

Malcolm X's birthday.

Is that today?

Yeah, Malcolm X Day.

Right... on.

SHANE:
Hey, I'm gonna roll.

I'll see you guys later.

Hey, you want to hitch with us?

No, I'm cool.

I'm just gonna clear my head.

Hey, don't be

getting yourself

into any trouble today!

Thanks, Lionel,

I already have a dad!

You'd better call the cap.

[phone rings]

Joe! Get the phone!

You get it!

You get it!

I'm making lunch!

WOMAN:
You're closer, okay?!

MAN:
Cap!

Pep won't answer the phone!

Since you guys are so busy...

Engine 55. Connor...

Uh, Captain Fahey speaking.

LIONEL:
Heads up, Cap.

We just saw Shane on Fulton Avenue.

When?

Like, now, maybe 30 seconds ago.

TERENCE:

Hey, ask him if today's Malcolm X's birthday.

Bring him in.

LIONEL:
Okay, Cap, we're on it.

And, uh, and maybe pick up lunch.

[objects landing in pot]

[engine starts]

I hate to bring him in today.

[siren whooping]

[distant alarm sounding]

[dogs barking]

Shut your yap.

[groans]

[growls]

Oh, yeah.

You're mine.

[frustrated whimper]

All try...

all fail.

[barking]

[chuckling]

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

End of the line, mutt.

[chuckles]

[grunts, huffs]

[barking]

[rock music blasting

through earphones]

[siren whooping]

[Rexxx barks, Shane yells]

[growls]

[burps loudly]

Ugh! Mouth fart.

Ugh!

If you're gonna ditch,

you're gonna get caught, Shane.

What do you got to say

for yourself, huh?

I hate that dog.

[siren blaring in distance]

[sniffing]

[whimpering softly]

[crowd cheering]

You're my favorite star.

I have a question-

Rexxx, over here.

Tell us, Rexxx, who are you wearing?

[clamoring continues]

MAN:

Rexxx, a few words for your fans.

[whimpering]

[snoring]

[muffled explosion]

[fire crackling]

[woman speaking indistinctly

over intercom]

WOMAN [over intercom]:

Bay Street. Vehicle fire.

Incident 205-0.

Be advised.

South Harbor 55

is off-line until further notice.

Cap's waiting for you

in the locker room.

And he is seriously angry.

Yeah, what else is new?

I guess you'll find out

when you get punished.

Hey, dude, just do what I do.

The second he opens his mouth,

start crying.

Or better yet, tell

him it's in your DNA.

That means everything

horrible you do is his fault.

Joe, how do I play this one?

Play?

You get in there,

look him in the eye,

and say you're sorry.

Go!

Give him a break, Joe.

Kid's mom split

when he was, like, two.

He's an orphan.

He's not an orphan.

He's got a dad.

PEP:

Yeah, so no mom

and a firefighter dad.

Pretty much makes him an orphan.

- Right.

- Well, he's got us.

Hope he finds a good shrink.

[video game

whirring, beeping]

Hey.

How many times did I

warn you about ditching?

Three? Four?

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