Fixed

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- [MAN] WHICH WAY IS IT?

THE NUMBERS,

ARE THEY GOING UP OR DOWN?

- [WOMAN] THIS WAY.

- [MAN] CRAZY. IT'S LIKE A MA...

THIS IS NOT THE WAY.

IT'S 142.

- WHAT?

- YOUR SHIRT IS SOAKING WET. WHAT DID YOU DO?

YES, WELL, IT'S SPRING

AND IT'S 90 DEGREES. WHAT'S...

THE MECHANIC COULDN'T FIX

YOUR A/C, COULD HE?

NO, NO.

I THINK WE SKIPPED, UH...

YOU KNOW, YOUR CAR

IS GONNA DIE ANYWAY.

YOU SHOULD GET A MINIVAN BECAUSE

THEY'RE SO MUCH MORE SPACIOUS.

NO, MY CAR IS FINE.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE

IF WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE

AN HOUR IN THE HEAT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

OH, COME ON. 142.

- [RING RAPPING ON CHAIR]

- [MUFFLED CHATTERING]

[MUFFLED] WHAT'S THE GOOD MOVE?

WHAT YOU REALLY NEED...

UGH.

YOU EVER LOOKED AT WHAT...

YOU EVER LOOKED A THE WORD "THERAPIST"?

"THE RAPIST."

THEY'RE LITERALLY TELLING YOU

WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO TO YOU.

WE'RE WALKING RIGHT...

WE'RE DUPES.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

HEY, REMEMBER BEFORE THE KIDS?

- I DO.

- YEAH... [LAUGHS]

WHEN WE USED TO MAKE FUN

OF COUPLES THERAPY.

[SIGHS]

"OH, I CAN'T GO OUT TONIGHT.

I HAVE A DATE NIGHT."

OH, YES. NO, NO. WE WOULD KILL

EACH OTHER, BUT FOR THE CHILDREN.

[IMITATING FREUD]

FOR THE CHILDREN, YES.

[LAUGHING]

SHH.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

OKAY, WE'RE NO LIKE THEM, RIGHT?

NO. HELL, NO.

WE'RE COOL.

YEAH.

WE DON'T NEED THERAPY.

- NO.

- NO.

WE JUST NEED:

A LITTLE TUNE-UP.

- YEAH.

- LIKE MY CAR.

OKAY, YOU NEED A NEW CAR.

SO, WHAT BRINGS THE TWO OF YOU

HERE TODAY?

- WE DON'T HAVE SEX.

- WE DON'T COMMUNICATE.

YOU'RE MARRIED.

- YOU HAVE CHILDREN.

- MM-HMM.

YOU HAVE JOBS.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

THAT YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW.

YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL.

100%.

IN FACT,

MOST COUPLES YOUR AGE

WILL GO THROUGH A VERY,

VERY ROUGH PERIOD.

OKAY. THAT'S...

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

SO, MARIA, WHY DON'T I

START WITH YOU, OKAY?

UH, WELL,

WHERE TO START? UM...

WE USED TO STAY UP LATE

AND JUST TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING...

ANNOUNCER:
YOU'RE LISTENING

TO "SPORTS AND TALK,"

A WEEKLY PODCAST ABOUT SPORTS...

AND A LITTLE TALK.

YEAH, SO, WE, UH, WE WEN TO SEE A THERAPIST.

GOD DAMN IT! NOT YOU, TOO!

GOD, I AM SO SORRY, ALLAN.

I THOUGH WE WERE DIFFERENT.

WE HAD A CONVERSATION

BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

NOT GONNA TURN INTO

OUR PARENTS.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- KIDS HAPPENED.

THIS RIGHT HERE,

IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT.

NOW, WE'VE DISCUSSED THE DANCE WE

MEN PARTAKE IN MARRIAGE, RIGHT?

SOMETIMES YOU LEAD,

SOMETIMES YOU FOLLOW...

- MOSTLY FOLLOW.

- SOMETIMES YOU SHUT UP AND PLAY THE FAMILY PET.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES YOU

GET TO STEP UP AND BE A MAN.

WELL, THAT'S JUST A BAD IDEA,

GENERALLY SPEAKING.

WHAT GOOD CAN COME

FROM THERAPY, HUH?

WOMEN DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE SICK

SH*T SWIMMING AROUND IN OUR HEADS.

YOU JUST GOTTA DO YOUR TIME

AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

AND IF YOU HAVE TO,

THEN JUST LIE ABOUT IT.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, ALLAN,

DO NOT MENTION THE SEX.

I'M TELLING YOU,

THAT'S 12 SESSIONS RIGHT THERE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT THIS RAPIST CHARGES?

CAN WE JUST TALK

ABOUT SPORTS AGAIN?

MY SHRINK IS FACEBOOK

FRIENDS WITH MY WIFE NOW,

SO MY LIFE IS, LIKE,

BASICALLY OVER.

TAG TEAM.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO!

[THERAPIST]

ALLAN?

ALLAN!

- WHAT? HI.

- HI. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YES. THAT'S CORRECT.

NO, ABOUT WHAT MARIA

WAS SAYING.

WHAT WERE WE:

JUST TALKING ABOUT?

COMMUNICATION, BABE.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU TWO

THINK OF THE IDEA

OF, UM, JUST REALLY WORKING

ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

NO KIDS.

JUST YOU AND MARIA.

MAYBE TRY A NEW RESTAURANT.

- OKAY.

- YOU MEAN, LIKE, DATE NIGHT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST, YEAH,

JUST YOU TWO.

JUST, UM, TALKING TRUTHFULLY,

NON-SEXUALLY.

UH, SO, STILL NO SEX.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOU THE GODDAMN SEX, ALLAN.

WELL, I THOUGHT THAT'S WHY...

ISN'T THAT WHY WE'RE HERE?

I MEAN, ONE OF THE REASONS

WHY WE'RE HERE?

I THINK WHAT YOU'RE HERE

FOR IS A JOURNEY

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE

GOING THROUGH.

IT'S VERY IMPERATIVE THAT YOU

OPEN THE COMMUNICATION CHANNELS.

EXACTLY. COMMUNICATION.

SO I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND

12 SESSIONS TO START WITH.

- OKAY.

- SAME TIME NEXT WEEK?

- YEAH.

- YES. WHAT WAS YOUR RATE AGAIN?

YOU MENTIONED THE SEX,

DIDN'T YOU?

I TOLD YOU NO TO MENTION THE SEX!

YOU BROUGH THIS SH*T ON YOURSELF.

IT'S $300. 12 SESSIONS.

HOW MUCH IS THAT?

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

DON'T LIKE TO HIM! HE'S NOT GONNA BE FINE.

HE'S SCREWED!

- WE ALL ARE.

- NO, I'LL BE FINE.

I'LL BE FINE. AS LONG AS SHE

DOESN'T MENTION THE MINIVAN AGAIN.

LISTEN UP. ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER THA WOMAN WHO YOU THOUGHT GOT YOU,

WHO YOU DESIRED, WHO DID

ALL THAT WONDERFUL SHI THAT MADE YOU SQUEAL IN BED,

REMEMBER HER?

OH, MY GOD,

HERE WE GO WITH THIS.

THAT WOMAN VANISHED

THE SECOND KIDS:

ENTERED THE PICTURE. POOF!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SHE'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, IF ANYTHING,

FOR THE KIDS.

I MEAN, YOU AND I,

WE'RE GROWN-UPS,

- BUT THEY, LIKE...

- [PHIL] KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS.

THAT'S ALL THEY CARE ABOUT,

IS KIDS.

AND WE'RE LEFT TO DO WHAT?

OPEN JARS,

WARM BEDS,

MEANINGLESS SH*T LIKE THAT.

THEY DON'T NEED US!

AND THEY KNOW IT!

- NOBODY CARES ABOUT US.

- AH!

[PHIL]

THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT US!

[JASON]

LOOK, YOU'RE JUST BLOWING THIS

OUT OF PROPORTION RIGHT NOW.

HE'S GOING THROUGH

A DRY SPELL...

ON TOP OF A ROUGH PATCH.

FOLLOWED BY THE DRY SPO AFTER THAT,

AND THE ONE AFTER THAT,

OH, AND LET'S NOT FORGET ABOU THE ONE AFTER THAT.

- THERE'S MORE?

- OH, THERE'S A LOT MORE.

NATHAN KICKED TWO

OF HIS FRIENDS TODAY.

[JASON] THERE'S MORE THAN

A FEW DRY SPOTS, YES.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

AND THE KIDS, MAN, THE KIDS.

DO THEY EVEN LIKE YOU?

I'M TELLING YOU,

THEY'RE LIKE DOGS, MAN.

THEY CAN SNIFF THIS SH*T OUT.

THEY CAN LITERALLY SENSE

THE SELF-RESPEC LEAVING YOUR BODY.

[JASON]

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

DON'T LISTEN TO THA BECAUSE KIDS

DON'T RESPECT ANYBODY, OKAY?

HE IS RIGHT ABOU THE DOGS, THOUGH,

THAT'S SUPER CREEPY.

[KIDS CLAMORING]

- ALL RIGHT.

- [ENGINE STALLING]

WE HAVE TO GET THIS FIXED.

WE HAVE TO CALL HIM AGAIN.

THIS IS GETTING OU OF CONTROL.

[KIDS YELLING]

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S IT. GET IT OUT.

OH, SHUT UP!

- WAIT, SAY WHAT?

- WHAT'D YOU SAY?

- [ENGINE STARTS]

- NOTHING, NOTHING.

WE'RE ALL GOOD. WE'RE GOOD.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

TO FIND A WOMAN LIKE MARIA?

AND I LOVE HER.

AND THE LITTLE F***ERS.

YEAH, YEAH,

THEY TEST ME, OKAY?

BUT I LOVE 'EM.

AND I'M GONNA

HAVE SEX WITH MARIA AGAIN,

EVEN IF IT COSTS ME $300

TIMES 12 SESSIONS, SO BE IT.

YES. SPOKEN LIKE A REAL MAN.

THANK YOU.

I GUESS IT COULD BE WORSE.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S ASKING

YOU FOR A VASECTOMY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHS]

UGH.

- [CAR HONKS]

- OOH. ALL RIGHT, SORRY, HONEY.

- JUST ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.

- [PHIL] AND THIS HAS BEEN

"SPORTS AND TALK"

FOR THIS WEEK.

NEXT WEEK, SPORTS, I HOPE.

I CAN DO THIS.

IT'S JUST LIFE.

WELL, THEY'RE DOWN.

UGH. FINALLY, RIGHT?

NATHAN IS, LIKE,

SUPER STRONG.

LIKE SUPERHERO SUPER STRONG.

HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT.

TYLER WAS THE SAME WAY.

TYLER WAS NEVER THAT STRONG.

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