Flashbacks Of A Fool

He's got no stamina.

- I love your nose.

- Thanks, Apple.

I wanted to get my nose done

since I was ten,

but it wasn't as simple as thought.

The doctors found out I didn't have

any cartilage in the tip of my nose,

so then we had to do that.

My nose was too long,

so we had to shorten it.

And then it was too wide,

so we had to thin it.

And it was just a lot more complicated

than I thought.

My nose was just an insane amount

of money.

I mean, I was shocked.

I thought that a nose job

was only, like, three or four grand,

but I was wrong.

Mine was, like,

three times that amount.

I mean, my girlfriend's

breast enlargement

was, like, four or five grand.

I mean, it's not like

I ever felt them, but...

They actually look kinda real,

you know?

So your own wife, who's hot,

by the way, with big jugs,

won't even go down on you?

You can call my girlfriend

and she'll tell you,

and I've been with her

for quite a while,

and she will tell you she goes down

on me every time we're together.

You're a disgrace to white folks.

Christ!

Where's my wallet?

Where's my wallet?

- On the dresser.

- Hi, Sister Jean, it's Joe.

Sure.

How can you spend a thousand bucks

on a 976 line?

I don't get it. You're Joseph Scott,

who every woman wants,

and you waste your money

on a 976 line.

Cos I can pretend to be someone else.

Not you, Sister Jean, someone else.

I need some tickets.

I'm at home. Now?

Great, thank you.

I'll see you in a bit. Bye. Bye.

Don't you have any philosophies

in life apart from self-indulgence?

You're the most self-indulgent fool

I've ever met.

- I thought you'd given up.

- I did give up.

And then I started again. Feel this.

- What?

- Feel this. It's a lump.

Feel that lump? You feel it?

There? There!

It's cancer.

Breast cancer.

Can men get breast cancer?

Do they give men mastectomies?

I've got something down there as well.

- Have you seen a doctor?

- Yes, and he's a f***ing idiot!

It's cancer.

- So where is it?

- What?

- My wallet!

- On the dresser.

- No, it isn't.

- It is.

What the f*** is that?

- That would be a dog.

- Why the f*** is it in my house?

Apple!

- Hello?

- Apple.

- Hi, Joe.

- Why did you leave your dog here?

- You said I could.

- No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I'll pick him up at the

restaurant after your lunch meeting.

I'm not taking that dog to lunch

with me.

Don't bring him into the restaurant.

Leave him in the car.

I'll be there at two.

You better.

Is it cocktail hour yet?

Well, it is somewhere!

I'm handing in my notice.

Why?

It's so much fun here.

How much?

- It's not about the money.

- How much?

When I show up here,

I never know what to expect.

Whether you've eaten mushrooms

or acid or coke or all of the above.

You know what they call you?

Captain Wacky.

Captain Wacky.

You know, I really don't like

looking at myself through your eyes.

Another 500.

I'm not happy.

Your happiness doesn't interest me.

Mine does.

- OK.

- That's a month, not a week.

Yes?

- Yes?

- Hi!

Hi! You look terrific.

So do you. Welcome. Come in.

Nice to see you.

My apartment block was shaking

last night. Did you feel it?

No.

I thought it was gonna fall in

and I was gonna die.

Five, right?

You have the fires and you have

the floods and you have the riots...

And then you have

the drive-by shootings.

Fires, floods, earthquakes, riots.

I drove by a body on my way here

just lying on the sidewalk.

We don't need to go to the movies.

We live in a movie.

We do!

I live here, but I can't find

a good thing to say about it.

If I close my eyes and picture it,

all I see is one big varicose vein.

You got yourself a dog!

It's good to have animals.

I have two dogs, two cats

and a green lizard.

I had two boa constrictors

that I got when they were babies.

They were always

getting out of their tank.

When they got to about six foot,

one wrapped itself around the treadmill.

- I turned it on and it got flattened!

- No!

I've had so many animals,

you wouldn't believe it.

Snakes, eh?

Well, I'd better be going.

You're not into smack?

I got some straight off the boat.

No.

Smack junkies

never seem to get bored.

They can look at their shoes for eight

hours and still have a good time.

I envy that.

Well, it's nice to see you, Joe.

Nice to see you, Sister Jean.

- Thanks for coming.

- No problem. I'll see you soon. Bye.

Bye-bye now.

Will you help me with this dog?

What do you mean "help"?

If people see me with it,

they'll think I'm gay.

- See? That was easy.

- Why didn't you do it yourself?

I'm meeting an important director.

I don't want hairs on me.

- Oh, Christ!

- Oh, my God!

- Christ!

- Can we help?

I'm sorry! F***ing dog! I'm so sorry.

We're fine, thank you.

I was talking to the lady!

If you need a witness

to that assault, I'd be...

What are you talking about? It wasn't

an assault, it was an accident.

That was no accident. It was

an unprovoked, vicious attack!

I'm calling the police right now!

It was an accident!

I wouldn't hit her.

I saw you and I know you.

I know all about you, Joe Scott.

Put your cellphone away.

It was an accident, not an assault.

You ladies are old enough

to know the difference.

If you don't get outta here,

there will be an assault!

We were trying to help! He shouldn't get

away with it! You should report him!

You saw what you wanted to see!

Get outta here! You understand me?

God!

Put that on your nose.

Come and sit down.

Step in.

There you go. Steady.

Put your head back. There you go.

I... I'll make you some tea, shall I?

You don't know how to make tea.

- You're gonna leave me, aren't you?

- What?

You're gonna leave me.

Are you gonna stand there

with your thumb up your ass

or are you gonna get the phone?

Is that a roundabout way of saying

you don't wanna discuss it right now?

- Hello?

- Joe?

- Hi, Mum.

- You picked up the phone!

- Where's Ophelia?

- Busy. Can I call you back?

- I'm in the middle of something.

- Joe, I've got some bad news.

- What, are you OK?

- Yes, I'm fine.

- Is Peggy OK?

- No, Peggy's fine.

I hate to tell you this

over the phone.

Just tell me!

Mum?

- Mum, are you there?

- Oh, dear...

- For God's sake, tell me!

- Joe, I'm so sorry.

Just tell me, Mum, please.

Boots has died.

What?

Boots has died.

When... Boots has died?

- When?

- Yesterday. It happened yesterday.

I'm so sorry, Joe.

How?

They're not sure yet.

There has to be an autopsy.

Joe?

Yeah. Yeah, Mum, I'm here.

They're holding the funeral

at Saint Joseph's.

Ruth would love you to come,

but she understands if you're too busy.

Joe, it's been such a shock to her.

He wasn't even ill. There was no

warning that this was coming.

I feel terrible telling you this

over the phone.

I know you haven't seen him for years,

but I know how much you meant

to each other.

He was so proud of you

and all that you've achieved.

- Can you get me a Bloody Mary?

- Certainly, sir.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes