Footrot Flats The Dogs Tale

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Well, Footrot, you're a lucky man!

Ooh, those rural ruffians!

This is not funny, Spit Murphy!

Lady driver, lady driver!

Keep still, you squirmy old sod!

Woops, sorry!

You might not notice it.

Righto! Next, please.

Same chairs are now awaiting.

Whoops!

Morning. Hmm...

Bit shy, are ya?

Oh, well, we oughta.

Whoop!

Good God!

Let me go, you...

Beauty-o.

Vidal Sasson job, mate.

Come on, Rangi!

Rattle your dags, mate.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother coming over to help this fella.

Next, please!

Smoko, dears!

Tucker time. Dogs love tucker time!

What do you think you're doing you mutty mongrel?

I should have used a serviette?

A cake fork?

Dog!

Dog!

Dog!

Come here, Dog.

I am a little tied up at the moment.

Dog! Dog!

- Comin' my dear!

- Come here this instant!

Dog! Dog! Speak up, damn it!

Oh, woof woof! Bloody woof woof woof!

Geronimo!

Hells bells!

The bloody Murhpys!

Oi, piss off!

Don't panic, Dog.

So, you're drowning in a sheep dip. Could be worse.

You could be drowning in a cess-pit.

What a pity. You were such a promising puppy.

You alright in there, little man?

Uncle Wallace has a farm. What do you think of that?

Wal Footrot then has placed the ball. The nation is on 10.

Look, he's 60m out. 65, 70, he's possibly 80m out.

Nearly a number 3 stand.

He comes in:
one step...

Two, three mighty strides.

The crowd will tell you his ticket.

It's a goal! He's done it! Wal Footrot has done it!

New Zealand wins! Oh my God, my God!

Oh God, the floor is damp.

I thoroughly didn't mean to do that either.

Socks. I had socks here last week.

Two of them from memory.

Ah, yes, here.

Cripes, they'll need changing.

Oh well.

A marginal improvement.

Oh well, everything in order.

Ah, that's better.

Oh hell, Aunt Dolly!

There, there.

Let go, you ratbag. Let go...

Let go!

Good. Cat in the fridge's gotta be wrong.

Every fashionable person will be wearing this.

Owwwwww!

Sh*t!

G'day, Aunty.

What a nice surprise!

How nice to see you, Wallace.

Looking as immaculate as ever.

How's my little nephew keeping then?

Oh, a box of birds, Aunty.

Hmmm... This place could do with a woman's touch.

Oh, I can look after me self.

Oh, I wish I could stay here, Wallace.

But I have to get back home to Tauranga.

Oh, what a shame.

I've just come down to drop you off a little present from the cat's home.

Not a cat!

No, silly! It's the puppy your brother promised you.

Oh, yeah? Rex's pup?

What's wrong with it?

He's shy.

Aren't ya, darling?

What do you, umm, call him?

Well, I call him...

How strange...

He used to be such a good-natured little fella.

OK, come here.

Dog.

How about that, Dog? Does that suit you?

Meow!

Come on, fella!

Major, this is the new dog.

Dog, this is Major. Me up-and-coming pig dog.

Cool it, Dog, cool it.

Come on. I'll show you your kennel.

There you go. Sleep tight, little fella.

Here's the sack.

I'll be jiggered. There you go, girl.

How do you like that?

You know? I think, I'll call you Jess.

Careful, Pew! You go easy on that little fella.

Now...

You two snuggle up in there.

Breakie's at 6.

Dog!

Dog?

What's up, mate?

Umm... G'day, kid.

G'day, Wal.

Are you looking for something?

Ah... Look, I'll leave it with you, Cooch.

Man-to-man-like.

I lost me little Dog.

A ripper of a pup it was, Cooch, mate.

Muscles like steel cables.

Fangs like a row of broken bottles.

Nothing like that funny looking thing sitting on your boot?

Ah, no. Well, umm, could be.

As a matter of fact, yes.

That little sod, is trying to tear me boots to pieces, I'd say. Eh?

Down, Dog! Down, I say.

Knew he'd turn up.

Just sussing out the district, eh?

Independent. Tough.

Umm, where did you find him, mate?

In the river. The poor little bloke was drowning.

He's coming to.

You can thank Major for pulling you out.

I'd never have missed you.

He's lying!

Those bloody Murphys!

Oi, they're heading for my place!

Major, we'll need you over here, mate!

Don't worry about me, Major.

Jess can look after me.

Quiet. Keep quiet, dogs, I think I can hear something.

Crikey dick!

Geronimo!

Damn you!

Push off!

Leave my deer alone!

Come on, girls!

Beauty...

You beauty, argh!

I've been shat on by a bloody vulture!

Argh! Get us outta here!

Give us a hand!

Right-o!

Not both bloody hands!

Very funny, Murphy!

Those bloody Murhpys!

Argh!

Good try, Hunk.

You almost did it.

You almost broke my bloody neck.

Stop!

Push off, you rat bags!

Jess is not that sort of girl.

You wanna bet?

Come on, Pongo. We haven't got all day.

Alright, alright.

Don't stare, you're putting me off!

Come one, boot it harder, man.

It stings my feet.

No, no, no, no.

You never let it bounce, mate.

You've got to take it on the full.

Come on, man. Show us, Mr Footrot.

Teach me, too, Uncle Wal.

OK, yeah, I'll give you a few pointers.

OK, now watch this.

This is gonna be a high up and under.

Hey, Wal!

Will it come down with snow on it?

Ahm.. Yeah, probably.

Now pay attention. When I boot this, you get under it.

Why do boys always get to go first?

One at a time, girl.

I'm straightening out Rangi at the moment.

You're next, OK?

Once I've booted this, I'll chase after it.

But don't let me put the wind up you, OK?

OK.

Right-ee-o!

Yeah, OK.

Two hands for beginners, eh?

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come one!

Mark!

Yeah, well.

Don't get carried away with this airy-fairy stuff.

Yup, OK, Wal.

Right, the tackle.

You've gotta go in low and hard.

I'll run it, just slowly and you tackle me.

And don't worry, I won't hurt you.

Come one! Come on!

Yeah, it's coming. It's coming.

Gee, thanks, Wal!

Hmm... You're good at footy, eh?

Hey, you might even be in the next All Black team.

Yeah, that selector fella might ask you.

Selector?

Selector? What selector?

Haven't you heard?

An All Black selector is coming to town next month.

Everybody knows about it.

Yeah, man.

And he's gonna watch the big match between Raupo and the Mill team.

An All Black, eh?

And here at Athletic Park...

It's the deciding match between US, the mighty All Blacks...

...and THEM, the English Lions.

But here they come.

The magnificent All Blacks.

Led by that superb athlete Whizzer Wal Footrot and his dog.

And here's the whistle.

The kickoff is taken by the glamorous, but slightly witty winger.

He's running.

He's strutting away like a briding fairy.

He's diving. My God, he's gonna score!

Pasty face pom pansy.

But no, brilliant!

Wal Footrot has kicked the ball out of his hands.

He's caught it himself. He's setting off at the back of the field.

This is a true New Zealand genius.

He swerves, he sidesteps, he fends.

What a run!

There's only the fullback to beat.

Oh, unfair!

The fullback is charging right at Wallie...

...and, oh, yes!

Whizzer Footrot has actually performed a perfect somersault...

...and scored in the corner.

Footrot rises and jogs modestly back.

Past the backup - whinging poms...

...to make the conversion.

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