Frat Party

---

(rock music playing)

# I fell off the wrong side #

# Of my bed today #

# I was distraught #

# Over welcoming

yet another day #

# It seems like curtains to me #

# And everything

that I was meant to be #

# And it seems I've got to realize #

# I'll be the yellow light #

# To your gas pedal #

# Baby, give me a minute #

# My stomach's gotta settle #

# I'm elusive in my own partaking #

# Maybe I'd better realize #

# Better realize #

# That you can't make me #

# I can only make

myself up to believe... #

Hey, my name's Duffy.

I'm pretty famous

around here for being

an all-around good guy,

friendly, decent looking,

pretty smart.

Kinda got it made.

Hey, Duffy.

How's it hanging?

- Love you long time, Lexi.

- Looking hot, Duff.

Hey, Andrea.

Graduation week...

crazy.

That's what I want

to talk to you about.

I have had a great

four years here at TULA.

I'm getting a business degree

and I belong to the best

fraternity on campus...

Gamma House.

See, I focus on one thing...

okay, let's make that two things...

during my college career:

Getting laid

and getting an MRS degree.

Okay, you... you may laugh,

but you know,

the first three years

we try to hook up with as many

people as we possibly can.

And then the last year,

we try to find that perfect match.

And let me tell you something,

buddy boy.

I found the perfect girl.

Hey, Duff.

- You may think that's her.

- Why don't you call me anymore?

But that's my ex.

You certainly know why, Kell.

I mean, no one loved you more.

That's true.

No one's crazier in bed.

That's definitely true.

And no one's hotter.

No one.

So then why, Duffy?

Oh yeah, let me guess.

Adriana?

Tell that stupid

rich b*tch I said hi.

That's not cool, Kell.

That's not cool at all.

Bye-bye, Duffy.

See, that girl is amazing,

but she's not the one.

Okay, so I burned some bridges

over the last three years

of messing around.

You see, I screwed around...

a lot...

a whole lot.

Sandy Waves

looks like a mermaid.

She's beautiful in every way.

It was like clockwork.

I'd go to the gym,

she'd get on top of me

I think she's married

to a chemistry teacher now,

but she was really

good on the bench.

Ivana Humpalofsky... whoo.

This girl was just

one of a kind.

- (rock music playing)

- Every time we'd have sex,

my ears would ring

for three hours afterwards.

The loudest orgasm

you would ever hear in your life.

Yeah! Oh!

Bang bang bang!

(moaning, screaming)

Two naked twins are actually

making out in my...

my bed right now.

Chloe and Katie...

AKA every man's fantasy.

- Oh!

- Duffy's voice:
I would play video games

and talk to my buddies online.

They would be there

just making out with each other.

Sometimes I'd watch.

Sometimes I'd join.

- Sometimes I'd make videos.

- Hi.

(women cooing)

Professor Beaubier...

what a woman,

what a great teacher.

I mean, they say teachers don't

care about their students anymore.

That's a lie.

You know, I really appreciate you

helping me, Miss "Boobier."

It's Beaubier, "Duffay."

- It's actually Duffy.

- Mm.

You know, this class

is just so hard.

Oh, really?

It's really hard?

- It's really hard.

- Mm.

- It's getting harder.

- You need me to take some stress off

from that... that hardness?

- Duffy:
Yeah, I don't like hard things.

- No. Oh, no one does.

Holy God.

Oh!

Duffy's voice:

But that is all over now.

No more one-night stands,

no more walk of shames,

no more threesomes.

You see, I am in love

and I'm getting married.

Her name is Adriana.

Adriana is, well...

really really perfect.

She is the most amazing girl

I have ever met in my life

and I want to spend

the rest of my life with her.

Okay, I admit it.

That sounds cornball...

but I mean it.

See, this is

the last week of college

and after finals are over,

I'm going to get married.

I know it's a bit of a rush,

but here's the rub.

My fiance is a debutante

and her family,

they are super-social,

super-rich Italians

from the old country...

very old school.

You see, her father runs

some global wine business.

And he wants her to get married

at the right church

with the right reception

at the right country club.

The problem is the only time

her family says we can get married

is the week of graduation.

I have no say.

Babe, you know that Friday

is the last party

of my Gamma career

and I can't miss it.

Okay, it's just a stupid party.

Who cares?

No no, it's... it's like

the most amazing party

in the history of mankind.

Mm, the most amazing party.

Well, how can you go

to the most amazing party

when you have

the most amazing woman

to marry the next day?

Well, just... just tell your Dad

we'll do it another time.

- I mean, seriously.

- I can't do that, he'll f***ing kill me.

- (gasps)

- (laughs)

Fine.

- Wait...

- Duff, I know that look.

- What are you thinking?

- Okay,

the wedding

is Saturday night... Saturday.

Yes.

And the party is Friday.

Genius, you're a genius.

- Am I?

- What do you mean?

I mean, am I?

Friday party,

Saturday wedding.

Wow. Okay. Just go.

Just go to your stupid party.

Really?

You'd consider that?

Going... going to the party?

Yeah.

Babe, f***in' yeah.

- (laughs)

- Hell yeah.

- Wow.

- It's my last Gamma party...

I picked a winner

this time, didn't I?

- Hey, please.

- Papa's gonna be so proud.

Papa... it's not...

it's not a rehearsal dinner,

it's just a family dinner.

- And I should party...

- Family, remember?

- Yeah.

- We're gonna be a family.

- Can I please go?

- No.

- I'll make the wedding. Please?

- No. No.

Please?

Isn't she so cute? I mean,

what girl does that for her man?

- Man:
What's up, b*tch!

- Oh, here comes my fraternity brother

- and best friend in the world. Mac!

- Yo!

- Hey.

- Dude, last week of school, man,

which means

the countdown to waiting

for the biggest party

of all time is over!

(laughs)

And we don't get to go.

Ah, it's... it's gonna be cool, Mac.

I can't believe

you're so cool about it.

- I'm completely cool.

- Yeah, but you're completely screwed.

- How?

- Dude, you are getting married

- on Saturday.

- So?

So, the biggest party

of all time is Friday

which means

we don't get to go.

No way.

- What do you mean "No way"?

- No way am I missing

my last night of freedom

on the finest campus

at the finest party

with the finest friends

at my fraternity, dude...

- Gamma.

- T-U-L-A!

- (both grunt)

- Yeah!

No way I'm missing that.

B... but... l... l...

what do you mean?

You've got to be kidding me, right?

- No, I mean...

- Dude, Adriana

is going to hang you up

by your balls

- Well, she's not going to be happy.

- Oh, no sh*t.

But she's... she's cool with it.

Dude...

(sniffs)

Check this out.

Check this out.

(muttering)

It's weird, you know?

It's like school's over

and you hated going,

but now that it's done

you wish you could

go back, you know?

We had some good times though.

- I'm going to miss it.

- Me too, man.

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