Free Guy

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(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

GUY:
This is Free City. Look at this guy. He’s one of the sunglasses people. And the people who wear sunglasses are heroes.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GUNS FIRING)

GUY:
They have a devil-may-care attitude and they run this town.

You are so hot.

Oh, I know.

GUY:
See? That’s not even his car. Or his wife.

(GUNS CONTINUE FIRING)

GUY:
For the sunglasses people, they get to do anything they want. They go on all sorts of missions. They got cool hair, cool clothes. I mean, laws aren’t really laws to them. They’re more like mild suggestions. Like, I don’t think he’s gonna return that car. Or that nice lady. … See what I mean? Hero.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALARM BEEPING)

GUY:
My name is Guy, and I live in paradise.

(EXHALES)

GUY:
Good morning, Goldie.

I’ve lived here in Free City my whole life. I’ve got a best friend, I’ve got a goldfish, and I work at the bank. What more could a guy want?

NEWS ANCHOR:
(ON TV) Sunday should be warm and sunny with just a scattering of drive-bys. Great day for the beach, but not Hitman’s Beach, which will be mined and sprayed with high-caliber fire from a renegade gunship stolen by…

GUY:
And every morning, I start my day with the most delicious coffee in the whole, wide, whole world.

Medium coffee, cream, two sugars.

GUY:
You know it. Mmm. Mmm! That is unexpectedly hot. Jeez, that’s good. It’s like losing my virginity, but in my mouth. Thank you for making this with such love.

You’re welcome.

GUY:
(LOUDLY) Officer Johnny!

Have a good one, Guy.

GUY:
Don’t have a good day, have a great day!

GUY:
(LAUGHS) Hold the fudge. You mean to tell me that nobody snabbed up those bad boys? Today is the day.

Like every other day.

GUY:
I’ll be back for those.

GUY:
Oh! So close.

Mmm! This is the greatest cup of coffee of all time. I wanna write a song about it.

GUY:
I wanna dance to that song with my body.

BUDDY:
(LAUGHS) I love my life. There’s something about finding your lane and just staying in it.

GUY:
That’s why they call ’em comfort zones, they’re so damn comfortable.

(MAN GRUNTS)

GUY:
Oh, Joe! Mondays, am I right, Joe?

You said it, Guy.

GUY:
Yeah.

GUY:
In Free City, I have everything I need.

GUY:
Don’t have a good day… have a great day.

MAN:
Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

Take care.

GUY:
Except one thing.

GUY:
Seem happy.

Oh, come on, don’t worry about that, Guy. You gonna find someone.

GUY:
Oh, it’s okay, Bud. Feel like I’ve been looking for her forever, you know? Maybe it’s not meant to be.

Everybody down on the ground!

(GUN FIRES)

(WOMAN GASPING)

(ROBBER WHOOPS)

(GUY GRUNTS)

GUY:
(SIGHS) I know the woman I’m looking for.

Oh, let me guess. A woman with an offbeat sense of humor.

GUY:
Sense of humor.

BUDDY:
An obsession with feel-good diva pop.

GUY:
Diva pop. Yes, that’s her. She’s rented space in my brain and she won’t move out. And you know what? I don’t want her to.

Well, guess what? She won’t move either in or out. You know why? ‘Cause she doesn’t exist. She’s just a fantasy. It’s a fantasy.

GUY:
That’s cruel. You’re cruel. You’re being rotten right now. Rotten.

BUDDY:
I’m being real.

Nobody try to be a hero. This will all be over soon.

(CHUCKLING)

So how about it? Beers on the beach after work?

GUY:
Of course we’re going for beers on the beach after work.

(CHUCKLING) That makes me so happy.

GUY:
(CHUCKLING) Me too.

What have you got?

MAN:
Proof of a secret level. That’s what you’re looking for, right?

You got a video or a screen grab?

Nope. But I know who does.

Wanna know what I do to people who waste my time?

Oh, wow. Ooh, someone wants to play. Hey, you really British, or is that an accent filter? ‘Cause maybe we could meet up later.

I don’t have a burning desire to see your mum’s basement, thanks.

MAN:
Got jokes, huh? Well, I got a map, shows the location of his stash house. Don’t know how you’ll get in, but if you do, clip 56 might interest you. Now, I got a question. What’s so special about this video clip anyway?

What’s special is I kill people who ask questions about it.

MAN:
Mmm, I see. Fun. Yeah, that’s fun. Damn, girl, you’re so feisty. But seriously, is it loot or is it just the experience?

(GROANS)

Those are questions.

GUY:
Did you see the sneakers on that last robber?

The 2:
30?

GUY:
No, the 4:00. The three-quarter high-top, gorgeous foam soles. I could barely feel it when he stepped on my face.

BUDDY:
(CHUCKLING) Oh, man.

Wow.

BOTH:
Life in the big city. Ain’t nothing like it.

FEMALE ROBBER:
Give it to me!

BOTH:
Looks like rain.

BOTH:
Has anyone seen my cat?

(SINGING)

BUDDY:
You know something, Guy, people say it all the time, like, “Guy can take a shoe to the face better than anybody I know.” (CHUCKLES) I mean, when you put it on there, you act like it’s not a shoe in your face.

(SINGING)

(FANTASY BY MARIAH CAREY PLAYING)

Don’t have a good day, have a great day.

GUY:
Love that song.

(SONG STOPS)

That’s a new one.

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SIREN BLARING)

Hey!

GUY:
That’s her.

Her who?

GUY:
That’s my dream girl, Buddy. (CHUCKLING) She exists. I’m gonna go talk to her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, man. She’s wearing sunglasses.

GUY:
So?

Whatcha mean “so?” So, people with sunglasses don’t talk to people like us. You know that!

GUY:
(WHISPERS) I gotta try.

Look, Guy! Guy! Guy! What about beers on the beach?

GUY:
Excuse me! Hey! Hey!

ANNOUNCER:
(ON SPEAKERS) Coming soon… Free City 2! Bigger! Badder! Radder! Free City 2: Carnage. Pre-order today and get the bonus Mayhem Pack.

WAITRESS:
You done?

Sorry. Are you closing? (CHUCKLES)

Yes. We usually don’t put the chairs on the tables, one-small-coffeeover-four-hours girl. You really like that game, huh? My 12-year-old nephew’s addicted. Seems like everyone’s obsessed with it.

Oh, Free City? Ah. No. I, uh, have a lawsuit against the publisher and the evidence that I need is in the game. So then I had my codes…

Oh… I wish we weren’t closing so I could hear more about this.

(SIGHS)

(ALARM BEEPING)

GUY:
Good morning, Goldie.

Medium coffee, cream, two sugars. Medium coffee, cream, two sugars.

GUY:
Actually, I think I’d like to try a cappuccino today.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

GUY:
Ooh. “Cappuccino.” I enjoy saying that. It’s like a waterfall made of letters.

Excuse me?

GUY:
I’d like to try a cappuccino. Please.

But you get a medium coffee, cream, two sugars. That’s what you get. That’s what everyone gets. Every day. Always.

GUY:
Well, I…

Somebody’s about to get shot.

GUY:
Officer Johnny.

GUY:
I just thought I’d try something different today, you know? Whatever. Right? Yeah?

GUY:
Hi.

GUY:
Ha! I’m just keeping you on your toes. Coffee, cream, two sugars, please. I’m joking.

(ALL LAUGH)

GUY:
Just keeping you on your toes. I was kidding.

MAN:
He was just kidding!

GUY:
Oh, you think I’d deprive myself of your baristic artistry? No way, no how. Mmm. That’s hot. (EXHALES) It’s like Jesus washed my tongue… but right before he finished, he finally told my dad, “He’s good enough.” (CHUCKLES, SIGHS) Thank you so much. Officer Johnny!

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