Free Guy Page #2

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Have a good one, Guy.

(WHISPERS) Cappuccino.

GUY:
Don’t have a good day…

(STAMP CLICKS)

GUY:
…have a great day, I guess.

Okay. Good day to you.

Everybody down on the ground!

(WOMAN GASPS)

Nobody try to be a hero. This will all be over soon.

GUY:
That’s the girl.

We’ve been over this. You tried to talk to her yesterday, it didn’t work. It will never work. She’s wearing sunglasses. We don’t mess with the sunglasses people.

GUY:
Maybe I’ll get some sunglasses of my own.

What? What are you talking about? You can’t do that.

GUY:
Oh, my God. What am I doing? Hi.

ROBBER:
What’d you say?

GUY:
Hi. I’m gonna need your sunglasses. Ooh. Ow. I’m just gonna… I’m gonna need your sunglasses for a sec.

ROBBER:
What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Go back to your side, man.

He’s just an NPC. Waste that mother…

GUY:
Okay, just need to borrow them for a sec, okay?

Back off! I said, don’t!

GUY:
Just real quick. Real quick.

Stop!

(GRUNTING)

You broken or somethin’? I’m the robber! You’re the guy who lies down and takes it!

Please, just stay down!

(GROANS)

ROBBER:
I said, stay down!

Guy, you don’t do this, man.

GUY:
(PANTING)

This isn’t you. You don’t do this.

GUY:
Maybe I do.

(GRUNTING)

ROBBER:
What is wrong with this…

…stupid mission?

I told you to smoke his ass.

ROBBER:
Let go!

GUY:
I’ll give them right back.

I said… (GROANS)

(GUNSHOT)

(ALL GASP)

MAN:
Guy?

GUY:
He’s just resting.

BUDDY:
In pieces! That man is dead!

GUY:
(WHISPERS) He’s so sleepy. I’m just gonna put your gun down… right here… for when you wake. Okay?

BUDDY:
Guy. Guy! Where you goin’?

GUY:
(GASPING)

GUY:
Excuse me. Do you see this?

Have the quarterly reports on my desk by Friday.

GUY:
(GROANING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

GUY:
Whoo! Oh! Giddy up! I feel brand new.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Loser.

(BEEPS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

GUY:
What is happening? (GASPS) So much money.

KEYS:
Hey, Mouser, check this out.

MOUSER:
What’s up, Keys? What am I looking at?

Okay, so this user, he gets his glasses stolen and then killed. The guy was smoked by a non-playable character.

An NPC? That’s impossible.

Yeah, exactly. Nobody can equip an NPC skin on their avatar.

Yeah, so you just boot the trash-ass noob and ban him for life, you’re done.

I tried that, but I… I can’t trace him. Whoever it is, they’re good. (SIGHS)

Hmm. You gotta be better at your job, buddy.

I’m pretty good.

I’ll see you on the inside.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Select your skin.

Hey, Keys, what skin are you going with?

The ushe. Dirty stripper cop, big guns, bigger mustache.

Hmm. Little dirt squirrel. I like it.

Almost scared to ask, but what are you going with?

Uh, full body mustache, hot pink. You should be very afraid.

I’m terrified.

(CHUCKLING) Let’s do this.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

KEYS:
Seriously, man. I’m just being honest, I think the bunny suit is just a little much.

MOUSER:
Excuse me?

Right. Rabbit. Okay? My fault.

Hey, 40-year-old virgin! Get over here!

KEYS:
Let’s go!

MOUSER:
Uh-huh. Captain Khakis.

Come here. Come on, bud.

KEYS:
Go, let’s go.

Closer.

MOUSER:
There he is. Blue shirt guy.

GUY:
Blue shirt? Yes. Hello, Officer. Rabbit.

MOUSER:
Nice skin.

GUY:
Thank you. That’s sweet.

How’d you get it?

GUY:
Well, uh, mostly genetics, I think. I’m pretty lucky. I have naturally dewy skin.

Listen up, Neutrogena. You know you can’t go around looking like that. The rules are clear. And another thing. You can’t hack the NPC avatars.

MOUSER:
No, sir!

KEYS:
It screws up the mission load…

MOUSER:
Screws it up!

…and it makes the game look bad.

MOUSER:
Horrible!

Yeah. (SPITS)

GUY:
I got, like, 5% of that.

Lose the skin!

GUY:
I… Lose? How am I supposed to get rid of my skin?

Take it off, man.

Just take it off. What are you doing?

GUY:
What?

Seriously.

The whole thing. The face, the outfit.

GUY:
How?

Everything. Ditch it.

Take it off.

If you don’t, we’re gonna kill you.

GUY:
Why?

And we’re gonna keep killing you.

GUY:
Still why?

Until we do find out who you are… and then we’re gonna ban you for life.

GUY:
Okay. No, no. Okay, I want to comply. I just find the order of those threats very confusing.

Somebody’s about to get shot.

Light him up

(GASPS)

(GUN FIRING)

No.

(MAN GROANS)

KEYS:
Come on, Blue Shirt.

(GRUNTS)

(SHOES POWERING UP)

(GASPING)

(GROANS)

Oh! Didn’t see that one coming. Did you see that one coming? Scared me a little bit.

We’re coming for you, Blue Shirt!

MOUSER:
(IN SING-SONGY VOICE) Coming to get ya.

We’re coming to get ya.

(GROANING)

GUY:
Wait! (GRUNTS) Wait! I can explain everything. I found these glasses and then I can see things now. Things that… Whoa, whoa. Things that aren’t there. Except they are there. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true!

You can run, Blue Shirt, but you cannot hide.

MOUSER:
Come on, Blue Shirt. You can’t escape the rabbit. We’re apex predators.

(BEEPING)

All we do is bone and brawl and slit throats.

GUY:
Too high! Too high! (GRUNTING)

MOUSER:
Oh, you wanna play, Blue Shirt? Watch this. I tire of these games, Keys. It’s time I went god-mode on this beyotch.

Okay, bring it.

Oh, it’s brung. Go, go, go, go, go.

I’m so, so good at this.

(BEEPING)

KEYS:
Time’s up, bank teller!

(GASPS)

(GUNS FIRING)

(PANTING)

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

GUY:
Nope!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)

GUY:
I can’t die! I’m never gonna die!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Whoo!

And that was the heartbreaking story of Blue Shirt Guy. The end.

Doesn’t make sense.

What?

I just checked the server stats. We killed Blue Shirt and the number of players online didn’t change.

It’s just a glitch, man. It’s not a big deal.

I know, I know. It just seems like that’s something new, you know?

Keys, I know what you’re thinking, okay? You should not talk to Antwan.

I just think it’s important to be transparent, okay?

Uh-uh. No. Antwan is deep in the sequel launch. He’s either not gonna care or he’s gonna get pissed and then he’s gonna blame us. So, I don’t know what you haven’t figured out about the whole situation. Also, aren’t you some kinda MIT genius, indie game designer? What are you doing down here dealing with complaints?

That, Mouser, is a long and pathetic story involving failed dreams, desperation, and a mountain of college debt. You do not wanna hear about that.

You’re absolutely right. That story sounds horrible and boring and full of white privilege. Don’t talk to Antwan.

KEYS:
We never dreamt this would’ve happened. I mean, Life Itself, it’s essentially a fishbowl game. People aren’t playing it, they’re watching it grow. It’s a strictly observational experience where computer generated characters interact and evolve. I thought we’d be lucky to give it away.

That’s what’s so charming about Keys, he’s clueless about his own genius.

Uh, no, Millie is the genius. Uh, she built the AI engine from the ground up.

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