Freebie and the Bean

1

[meowing]

[meowing]

[dog barking]

[baby crying]

[engine revving]

(Freebie)

'Stinks, I'm telling you'

'it's rotten, alright?'

(Bean)

'It's not that bad.'

How do you know?

If it tastes good, then, uh

that's all

you need to worry about.

(Freebie)

'Johnny's,

it's a terrible restaurant.'

Here, come on.

You do it for a while.

Come on,

you did it for 8 seconds.

I did it for 7 minutes exactly.

Say it was 1 1 :
38, it's 11 :45.

That's 7 minutes.

It's a $200 watch.

That's wholesale.

Come on, it's getting

on my jacket, anyway.

Last week, it was your pants.

No, you're wrong.

Last week, last week,

it happened to be my shoes.

- Oh, Jesus!

- Jesus Christ!

There's a cat in there.

Get him out of there.

Get Out!

Out!

Here.

- Here, hold the flashlight.

- 'Huh?'

Oh, I hate this.

What's that?

It's a baby bottle.

Red Meyers doesn't have a baby.

His fag dog had puppies.

- 'Here.'

- What?

Something for you, play with it.

Oh, now, this is nice.

This is nice,

in the last 1 4 months

this is the nicest thing

you've ever given me.

Cuteness.

Look at this.

He ate the crotch right

out of her panties.

Huh, she must have a cute ass.

North side, 78,600.

Look at that!

Look at that!

Receipts and everything.

There's got to be more.

(Bean)

'Careful, careful, careful.'

- 'Everything's got salad oil--'

- 'There's more here.'

Yeah, that's it, man.

We got Red Meyers' ass.

- 'Here, wait, what?'

- 'Here's another piece.'

Here's another piece.

Come on, let's get his ass

out of bed.

Let's bust the son

of a b*tch, come on!

Wait, we gotta get Motley.

We need Motley!

Motley the witness, let's go.

Come on!

[instrumental music]

You and me babe

We go together

Just like peaches and cream

Two peas in a pod

Birds of a feather

You and me

You and me babe

Got something going

There ain't nothing

we can't do

Like honey and bees

We go together

Me and you

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Hey, Freebie!

Hi, sweetheart.

(female #1 )

'Come on back!

I owe you one.'

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, Mongo, how are you?

Bean, how are you?

What's doing?

- Want a burrito?

- Yeah.

No, no, no, no,

we got some business to tend to.

Seen Motley, or what?

I haven't seen Motley

in 1 4 years.

14 years, huh?

(male #1 )

'Hey, Mongo!

You got a hot dog bun?'

'I'm gonna need one

to make a sandwich.'

Hey, Mongo, give us a break.

Get ahold of Whitey.

I think they got

something going.

Thanks a lot.

(female #2)

'And I think

you all have my masters!'

'Huh, and I can teach us 1 2!'

You're a very, very bad man.

Get that, will ya, Bean?

I don't want to get dirty.

Lieutenant.

Call me lieutenant, start

learning how to salute because

a cop that puts away Red Meyers

is gonna make lieutenant.

Vice Squad.

We retire in three years.

We have five apartment buildings

and every hooker in town.

- Still going with vice squad?

- What's wrong with vice squad?

- Something wrong with that?

- Nothing's wrong!

You don't wanna live

in a nice house?

Huh, wear nice clothes?

Drive a nice car?

- Something wrong with that?

- Do whatever you wanna do.

That's what I wanna do.

I want you to have it, too.

You're my friend, I love you,

something wrong with that?

- I want you to be rich.

- I wanna be a cop.

You wanna be a shakedown artist.

And you know,

you really are stupid.

(Freebie)

'I wanna be lieutenant!

You know, you're right.'

Because $806 a month

is not a bad life

for a spic that swam across

the Rio Grande at age of 1 0.

And you're gonna go miss me,

aren't you?

'You can't get along

without me for five minutes.'

(Freebie)

'It's really bullshit.'

'I'm stupid to even

argue with you, I'm stupid.'

- Bothers you, doesn't it?

- Screw off, will ya?

When you're on the Vice Squad,

I'll come and visit you.

Hey, that's a lot of bullshit.

Your family's sitting

over there on a dirt floor.

- Eating chicken sh*t.

- I'll bring you soup.

I'll bring Crayolas

and everything!

Kiss my ass, you Mexican.

I'll have conversations

with the principals.

I'll come

and help you make policy.

All of those things.

Hey, Whitey.

Hey, Bean.

Hey, what's going on?

Getting up in the world, huh?

- Yeah.

- Whoo!

How's the hijacking

business?

Hey, uh, you guys know

I don't do that anymore.

Oh, yeah?

We heard you had

a little something going

with Motley, you know!

- Motley?

- Yeah.

No, where'd you hear that?

Oh, just fooling around.

You know where he is?

- 'Uh-uh.'

- You sure?

Hey, man,

I wouldn't sh*t you guys.

This is high up here.

This high, Bean?

I'm getting a little nauseous.

- What about you?

- Oh!

My legs, they go like rubber.

You got workman's comp,

Whitey?

Sure I got workman's comp.

I'm a member, remember?

Hey, le-lemme ask you something.

Would they cover you

if you like..

You know,

like one day you slipped.

And fell off or somethin'.

Are you covered for that?

Hey, I ain't gonna fall.

I'm careful.

How about if you got pushed off?

What are you do--

Huh, I'm getting crazy.

I'm getting crazy up here!

Where's Motley?

Uh, he, uh, he's out of town.

- Laundering some money.

- Oh, yeah?

'Yeah, he'll be back

on Monday, uh!'

'We play poker Monday.'

He wouldn't miss that,

I'm telling you!

He still live at the same place?

Yeah, he lives there,

I'm telling you, he didn't move.

[clapping]

(Bean)

'What's that for?'

Perfect performance.

Very subtle.

I'm going crazy!

I'm gonna push him, terrific.

You know, it worked, didn't it?

I scared the crap out of him.

- 'It was terrible.'

- 'I was imitating you.'

(Freebie)

'Well, I was bad.

First time I did it.'

[horns blaring]

(man on radio)

'...the first caller

that gets the correct title'

'of the song

we're about to play'

'gets not one,

but two free tickets'

'to the Super Bowl!'

Look at this sh*t.

Christ, if it's like

this on Friday

what's it gonna

be like on Sunday?

All this city needs

are a thousand more pimps

and boys

and rednecks going ape-sh*t.

Well, the mayor

wanted the Super Bowl.

(Freebie)

'What do you read

that sh*t for?'

You don't have to pass no exam

if you wanna be a lieutenant,

you know that, don't you?

I'd still like to know

what's in it.

Put it down.

Come on, put it, put it down.

- Hey.

- Well, listen to me.

'Stop reading that sh*t.

I'm talking to you.'

'Listen to me.'

'Remember what I told you

about the apartment buildings?'

- Yeah.

- 'Forget about it.'

(Freebie)

'Penthouse at the Hilton.'

I figured it out.

You dump the old lady

and the kids

you come live with me,

we have a ball.

It's bad enough

I gotta work with you.

Now you want me

to live with you?

Alright, you don't wanna be

a millionaire.

You know, you could

eat 48 tacos a day.

And I can still have

you steal them for me.

Okay.

Alright.

It's as you drive a Cadillac

or a Toyota.

You're still gonna

get stuck in this crap.

No, no, no, no.

See that's where you're wrong.

Millionaires, yeah,

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