Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel

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Time travel.

It'll turn your brain into

spaghetti if you let it.

Best not to think about it.

Best just to get on

with the job in hand,

which is destroying the enemy

before they're even born

and have a chance to threaten us.

We're expecting

any resistance to be light,

as the ancestors of our enemies

have yet to evolve any thumbs,

or indeed spines.

But that does not change the fact

that they may one day

evolve into a species that may

pose a threat to us.

And for that reason we are going

to rain down a fiery death upon them,

that will turn the surface of their

planet into a radioactive desert

because we are the Planetary Peace Corps

and that is what we do!

Now, are you nappy-wearing motherfuckers

ready to lock and load and get it on?!

What? No-no-no-no! Shh!

Look, it's not even a real gun! Ooh!

Ooh! Look at all the lights!

- Liftoff.

- Shut up!

Due to technical difficulties,

the Star Ride is closed until further notice.

Due to technical difficulties,

the Star Ride is closed until further notice.

Two for one at Dinoburger.

Two for one at Dinoburger.

It doesn't even make any sense.

Why would we do this?

Toby, don't start.

All right, love?

Two for one at Dinoburger.

We're encouraging people to eat dinosaurs,

to eat us, you know.

- Why would we do that?

- We're not real dinosaurs.

- We should be dressed as cavemen.

- Tobe, why do you always do this?

You were the same on the Ghost Train.

That wasn't logical, either.

Werewolves and vampires are natural enemies.

There is no way they would team up

to attack a train.

Stop thinking!

- Yeah...

- And talking!

Yeah, you're right actually.

We can't think much, cos a dinosaur's

brain is only the size of a walnut.

As far as talking goes,

it's just like...

Tobe, Tobe, Toby!

Stop it! You want to be careful

you don't get lost in the role.

I heard of this one guy

over on the Star Ride.

Actually thought he was a Space Ranger.

Traumatised a load of kids.

They sacked him.

Oh, hello, Ray.

Didn't see you there.

Pete. Tobe.

- It was a crappy job, anyway.

- Yeah.

- Loser.

- Says the man dressed as a dinosaur.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I was thinking about maybe moving back home,

- taking that job at my uncle's place.

- Why do you wanna do that?

- We can get you another job here.

- Where?

Barry Burp's Bubble Ride?

Get you a job there easy.

- High turnover cos of the chlorine in the eyes.

- Hmm! It is tempting.

But there should be more to life

than dressing up as a bubble.

Maybe it's time to get real.

So...

In an ideal world,

what would be your perfect job?

- I don't know. Comic shop?

- Oh, come on. Think bigger.

Astronaut?

Yeah, cool!

But I mean your absolute dream job?

I mean, if there was... no limit.

No limits?

Well, it's obvious.

It's got to be Time Lord.

Oh, come to daddy! Ooh.

What's that?

- Four minutes, 32.

- That's bollocks. You led him on.

- What's this?

- It's a bet.

He reckons you'll mention time travel

in under five minutes.

You're making bets on me?

On the day I get fired,

you're making bets on me?

He did. I didn't want to.

I do talk about other things.

What? Like sky-fi?

How many times? It's not "sci-fi", Pete,

it's "science fiction",

or "SF",

which can also stand for "speculative fiction".

Jesus.

And you wonder why you can't get laid.

I can!

I do.

Some girls are into science fiction.

You see, that's your problem, Ray.

Your ideal girl is you.

With tits.

In fact, your ideal girl is him.

I object to that!

Now that was a sh*t film.

Someone should write and complain.

"Dear Hollywood, you're sh*t."

How hard can it be to make a film

that doesn't suck?

I've got millions of great ideas.

- Like what?

- What?

Come on,

I wanna hear one of your great ideas.

OK.

Right.

Prepare to be amazed.

Ninja Yodeller.

Are you just, like,

saying random words, Tobe?

No. Yodeller by day,

ninja by night, you see?

Oh, yeah, because the other way around

would be really stupid.

No, you've got like ninjas

who are really quiet, yeah?

Yodellers, really loud.

There's a conflict for the character.

Torn between two worlds.

He's really thought about this.

OK, you know the way sometimes

you come up with a really sh*t idea

like on purpose,

to try and test us out?

Yeah?

Is this one?

Yeah, you got me.

- Nearly had you, though.

- And him.

- Yeah.

- Ninja yodeller.

Ninja yodeller.

- How is your real script going?

- I'm doing most of the work up here.

Besides, every writer

needs to get out in the real world.

Have some experiences, fresh ones,

to enrich his work.

Really? I thought a writer

needed to stay in and write.

Yeah. That's the eternal

enigma of creativity.

We should discuss it.

In the pub.

- Give me that.

- Oi!

Oh, you thieving get!

- I said that!

- All great writers steal.

- Oh! Ray said that?

- What?

Give it to me. Give me my book.

Come on!

You'll see. One day I'll be famous

and then you'll be sorry.

"Dear Hollywood, please stop making

so many crappy movies.

"Here are a few tips to help you out.

"One:
story is king.

Always has been, always will be."

- This is eating into our drinking time.

- OK.

Er, remakes, Jude Law...

"Han shot first.

"More Firefly and/or Serenity.

The end."

Well, that's Hollywood sorted.

Shall we move on

to the Middle East?

- Pen's running out.

- Oh, always the way.

- Nerds!

- Hey!

Didn't we all agree to stop

using the "N" word?

I didn't agree to anything.

"Nerd" is the word they use

to keep us down.

- You should use the term... "imagineer".

- Yeah.

That's the nerdiest thing I've ever heard!

You are just threatened.

You're threatened because

you don't understand our world.

What's to understand?

I saw one Star Trek film.

- I hated it, never looked back.

- Really? Which one?

The first one with the big,

gold robot and the little, fat mate.

- You mean Star Wars, don't you?

- Do I? Aren't they the same thing?

No. No, they're not.

- He knows.

- How would I know? I'm not a nerd.

Or even an imagineer.

- Better.

- I'm glad you're happy.

Whose round is it?

Mm-mm!

- I got the last round.

- I got the biscuits from the garage.

I paid for you to get into Scandals.

I paid for the cloakroom.

- I brought teabags round when you ran out.

- I lent you my coat.

The snug's less busy.

Can you get me some crisps?

Thanks.

He could wear stealth lederhosen.

- Jesus, you took your time!

- Yes, I did.

- I'll get the next round.

- Well done. I was impressed.

What?

It's a lot of effort to go to.

I mean, I'm er... I'm rather touched.

What are you talking about?

Cassie. Next door.

She fed me her little story.

- Cassie?

- The girl in the snug.

Come on, guys.

Fit, funny, dodgy American accent.

- You set it up.

- Just now?

Yeah. Look, whatever.

I just want to say thank you.

I think I might actually

be in with a chance there.

I see why you think it'd be a wind-up.

- You want to hear what happened or not?

- Absolutely.

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