Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel Page #2

---

Go on. Make her double-jointed.

Ignore him. Come on.

I want to hear it.

OK.

Hello, Ray.

Hi.

Erm... I'm sorry. Do I know you?

I'm Cassie.

You don't know me,

but I know you very well.

At least, I feel like I do.

I've read all about you.

- All about me?

- Yeah.

From your perspective,

those books haven't been written yet, but er...

Haven't been written yet,

like from the future?

Exactly!

Ah. Ah, I see.

- You're a time traveller.

- Bingo! Yes.

I didn't say I believed her.

- You've invented a girlfriend!

- I have not.

"Time-travelling hottie visits time-travel fan."

It's not a bad idea.

- How far back in time have you come?

- 150 years.

And where's your time machine?

Inside me.

Oh! That's handy, isn't it?

Is it like a little pill?

Uh, no, it's hard-wired into my bones which

have been replaced with a polymer composite.

So it's flexible,

but very standard issue.

Are you a space-lady?

Hello. Nanu.

- Phone home.

- No!

No, I repair time leaks.

- Sounds exciting.

- No.

No, it's not. Really.

It's quite dull.

- This is the only perk of the job.

- What is?

Meeting famous people from history.

Me?

I read that you would be in here

on this day, you know.

I just couldn't pass up a chance

of meeting Ray the Great.

It's what she said.

- "Ray the Great"!

- Shut up.

So, what other famous people,

like me, have you met?

Have you met Einstein or Elvis?

You know what you should do?

You should go back and kill Hitler.

- That's a classic.

- That's also a time crime.

- You're no fun.

- Yeah. We call it editing.

It's trying to erase

people from history.

- Like Hitler.

- Yeah, like Hitler.

But, a lot of the time,

it's more of a personal taste thing.

Like, Paris Hilton?

Who?

Brilliant.

Well, um, yeah,

they try to erase them from history

just because they don't like them or don't

like their songs or their films or whatever.

They are totally psychotic, Ray.

There's even one bunch of Editors who try to

kill artists immediately after their greatest works.

I don't get it.

Well, it's to avoid a decline in quality.

It would be like killing, say...

Kevin Costner right after

Dances With Wolves.

- You could do Morrissey.

- After The Smiths?

No. Just generally.

- George Lucas after Jedi?

- Ooh! Empire, surely.

Mm-mm. You'd miss the Ewok battle.

Who cares?

I care.

Let's see how good

your research really is.

What is... the grandfather paradox?

I...

I've got to be honest with you, Ray,

I didn't exactly finish the manual.

It was like a brick.

I'm more of a quick-start pamphlet kinda girl.

Yes. Sure.

I mean, who's got the time, you know?

- It's only history we're messing with.

- I'm not totally stupid.

I can safely talk to you because everyone

knows you're obsessed with time travel.

So?

So, no one will believe you

when you tell them about this.

Very clever, Ray.

- Double bluff. I like it.

- Still don't believe you.

What about Chaos Theory?

You do know about Chaos Theory?

Oh! Yes, of course.

Chaos Theory is the idea

that all actions have consequences...

when you take that... quantum leap...

OK, erm, bit of advice.

When you are talking about this stuff,

speak with a bit more confidence about it.

OK, well, I will.

I'll bear that in mind, thank you.

Chaos Theory is the idea that

tiny things can have huge consequences.

Because you delayed

me going through,

all the things I was going to do

have been delayed subsequently.

That has a knock-on effect,

which can totally change the future.

So, so wait, that means you're

going to drink your pint a bit later

which means you're going to go

to the bathroom a little bit later.

My God, Ray, you're right.

That's terrible, we're all doomed!

Do you have any idea how rare it is

to find a girl who's into science fiction

who doesn't have everything pierced?

How do you know I haven't?

Um, listen,

you should come through. Join us.

I'll tell the guys what a good job you did.

Have they paid you yet?

I could get you a tip.

Not in a stripper kind of way

because you're not a stripper, obviously.

But you'd make a fine one.

I'm sure you'd look great in a...

Well put.

No. Thank you. I have to go actually.

Oh, no. What's the rush?

I've got a time leak to find,

remember?

Of course.

OK. Er, well...

I'll see you later, then.

Hey, in the future maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

Could you? I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Bye, Ray.

Bye.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Can't really say I'm buying

the time-travelling skeleton thing.

A bit too Terminator.

No, but I like the sexy time traveller.

- How does it end?

- I don't know because I'm not making it up.

- She was real.

- I know what it is.

You know how you can pay a prostitute

to act things out for you?

No, I don't.

Someone who knows Ray well

treated him to a time-travelling hooker!

She was nice!

You didn't even sleep with her.

That was probably in with the price.

- She wasn't a prostitute.

- You should have slept with her.

- You know why?

- Why?

Cos she'd have shagged you

into the middle of next week.

Eh? Eh? Come on. Come on.

Thank you. Thank you.

My name's Pete

and I'll be here all week.

Down those and we'll catch

last orders at The King's Head.

I'm going to take a leak.

- Oh! Because of the future thing? Ah.

- Mm.

Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now, tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you'll only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

Cos we'll never be wrong

Together we can take it

to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me

all of the time

I don't know what to do

I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg

and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love

Now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

Now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

Oh, my God.

It's me.

... total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart

- Are we off, then?

- Oh, sh*t!

I will see your time-travelling hottie

and raise you a pub full of bodies.

Is that piss on your jeans?

No. Not all of it.

Bollocks.

Couldn't this be the leak

your woman was looking for?

- So you believe me now, do you?

- I still don't, for the record.

After what I've just seen,

I'll believe anything.

Guys, I just saw my own dead face.

Whoo-ooh-ooh!

Go in yourself. You'll see.

I don't know. I mean...

First a future woman, and now this.

It's, it's like a

time-travel murder mystery.

- You guys...

- It's not me!

- Are you winding us up?

- No.

Look, something very bad

is gonna happen.

I've just had a premonition

of my own death.

Then why don't you just leave? If you're

so spooked, why don't you just run away?

- Go home?

- Right.

Because it's not tonight. The other me,

the dead me, he had a beard.

Oh, I see. Little beard.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes