Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel Page #3

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A tenner says something happens

when you go in.

Another bet? What trick have you

got up your sleeve, Petey?

This is great.

Come on. Let's all go.

No chance. I'm staying right here.

Well, get my money ready.

- Come on.

- Are we going to go in? Brilliant!

- Are those two dead?

- What? What do you mean?

Are those two dead?

Oh. No, not yet.

- Whaa!

- Bollocks!

Pack it in!

- Hello, Petey. Change your mind?

- No. Just going to watch from here.

Eurgh! It certainly smells

like someone died.

Sh*t-sh*t-sh*t!

What the f*** are you doing?

If you've got anything planned,

you'll get it.

I haven't got anything planned.

Will you let me out?

Nope.

Oh, sh*t. I'm in again. Oh, sh*t.

- Ray, check the loos.

- What?

He's probably got some bloke

in a Scream mask.

Or something even more brilliant.

Ooh! It really does stink in here.

- You might as well just pay me now.

- Oh, it's like a dung-ey, zoo-ey kind of...

- It's Pete's bullshit you can smell.

- Listen!

This isn't a wind-up.

Do you really want to see the future?

I'd love to.

OK. You've got to do exactly

what I did.

What do you mean?

If you'll only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever...

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I feel like I'm doing the conga

at a really sh*t party.

Cos we'll never be wrong...

- Is this really necessary?

- I don't know, it might be.

- Don't look. I can't do it.

- I wasn't looking.

Together we can make it

to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me

all of the time...

Right, hold on.

For what? There must be

easier ways of making money.

- It's a science experiment.

- Mm-hm.

Now, hold on tight for this bit.

I don't know what to do

I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg

and giving off sparks...

Here's an idea. Instead of a time machine

that runs on karaoke and urine,

maybe they could have one with a dial,

with dates on it.

Something crazy like that.

I really need you tonight...

Oh, God!

Forever's gonna start tonight...

Once upon a time

I was falling in love

Now I'm only falling apart...

Pete, do you really do this

every time you take a piss?

- Tenner says something happens.

- Yeah!

But it's gotta be something definite,

like, say, a pub full of dead people.

Not just some bollocks weirdy feeling.

OK.

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse... of the heart

- What's that I can hear?

- Ssshh. Wait.

Oh, come on.

What are they, the talking dead?

Oh, my God!

Everyone's still alive.

I don't know what happened out there,

but I feel dirty.

I'm going to get some peanuts now.

- Pay up.

- Didn't shake hands.

- What are you, 12?

- Look, I swear to you, I saw myself right here.

Story is king.

Always has been, always will be.

This is eating into

our drinking time.

Oh! Hey.

- Someone's got our seats, Ray.

- Have they? Our stuff's over there.

- They looked familiar, didn't they?

- Just a bit.

There's spare seats in the snug.

- That's not really the problem.

- What is the problem?

I think you'd better go

and have a look.

Shall we move on

to the Middle East?

Pen's running out.

Always the way.

- Nerds!

- Hey!

Didn't we all agree

to stop using the "N" word?

I didn't agree...

"Nerd" is the word

they use to keep us down.

You should use

the term "imagineer".

Shall we get the f*** out of here?

- So, what do we do now, Ray?

- What?

- This is your thing.

- This is not my thing.

My thing is reading books about this sh*t,

not actually being in it.

What about the rules?

There's always rules, isn't there?

- Yeah, but it depends who you read.

- Well, even I know some rules.

- Like what?

- You can't tread on any butterflies.

Not just butterflies,

you can't kill anything in the past,

because it wipes out all its descendants and you

could end up wiping out the whole human race.

Don't sleep with anyone.

It ends up being your mum or gran.

- That's just sick!

- It's still tonight.

We haven't gone back to The Blitz.

- You asked for rules, I'm giving you rules.

- Don't kill anything, don't f*** anything.

- What else?

- Don't touch yourself.

My mind is on other things right now.

No. I mean, don't touch the other us.

We can't bump into

or speak to the earlier us.

Why? Couldn't we just warn them

not to go into the bog?

No, we can't,

because that would cause a paradox.

- A what?

- If they don't go into the bogs,

they don't go back in time, and if that

doesn't happen then we cease to exist.

It's a variant on the grandfather paradox.

F***ing hate sci-fi.

Science fiction.

So, do we go back in the toilets?

No! That could take us anywhere.

But last time it took him back

to where he started, didn't it?

Yeah, but it also took me

to a room full of dead bodies.

- He's right, it's not predictable.

- Where does that leave us, Ray?

I think I've got an idea.

Hiding in a cupboard?

Yeah.

That's going to stop me being dead?

It's simple.

We wait for the earlier us to go into the loos

and disappear into the past.

How long d'you think that's gonna be?

About another half an hour.

Oh, you're joking.

My neck is killing me already.

Ow, ow. Hot!

Bugger. Ow!

Can I sit down?

I don't know. Can you?

Oh!

No pulling!

Oh, I think I found a light.

- Maybe leave the light off.

- Yeah.

Anyone want a peanut?

No.

I really thought time travel

would be a bit more thrilling than this.

Mm. I know what you mean.

Oh! Oh, no, wait a minute.

- Oh, my God!

- What?

We're half an hour in the past.

She's still here.

Oh!

Have they paid you yet?

I could get you a tip.

Not in a stripper kind of way

because obviously you're not a stripper.

But you'd make a fine one.

I'm sure you'd look great in a...

Wait a minute.

What's this?

I can-I can feel a

fir tree through here!

There's...

There's a whole other world back here

with-with snow and thorns and talking lions.

Is there?

No!

Dick.

I love Narnia.

Bye, Ray.

Cassie! Cassie!

Ray, I really have to go.

Oh, no, no, no! You think I'm him?

I'm not him.

I mean, obviously, I am.

We really need your help. First of all,

I now believe you are a time traveller.

Sorry about doubting you there and sorry

about the whole stripper, space-woman thing.

OK.

And second of all,

I think we found your time leak.

It's in the gents.

Oh, oh, very good. Very good.

- So the leak is...

- In a toilet.

Yes, yes! It seems the universe

has a sense of humour.

And it's very funny and quick too.

You don't believe me.

Touch.

Oh, no. No, no!

This is for real, OK?

Pete saw dead bodies in the pub.

OK, well, I've got to go climb back

into my spaceship and disappear.

Look, why else would I have two men

in this cupboard?

I'll see you around,

future boy.

Wait, Cassie! Cassie!

I think it's time we had

another little chat, Ray.

- So you're sure we're OK out here?

- Yes, we're fine.

No one's due out in the garden

for another 23 minutes.

- OK. Good.

- Huh.

This is a bit of a new look for you.

- Do you like it?

- Yes.

I mean, you know, it's very nice.

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