Friday After Next

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'Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

Goddamn, Day-Day.

Take it all.

One, two, get up, three.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Damn! That's an ugly-ass baby.

Eyes cocked like a pistol.

All I want, Santa Claus,

is two fat b*tches and a bag of weed

and two bags of chips

to give to the fat b*tches.

What the...

Damn, these niggas are broke.

No Christmas ham in here. Nothing.

lt's a damn shame.

All l want is two fat b*tches

and some cheeseburgers

so Cheeco can lick on them

and two years' supply

of rolling paper.

Two pieces of bologna. Yeah, baby.

This gonna be good right here.

I'm so hungry.

What the hell

you doin' in my house

eatin' a big-ass sandwich and sh*t?

Nigga, I'm Santa Claus.

Where's the milk and cookies?

Santa Claus!

Sh*t!

You better get your ass outta here!

Goddamn!

Day-Day! Day-Day!

All I want is a fat b*tch with

a name belt that say ''Glitter'' on it.

Day-Day! Help me, man!

Merry Christmas, motherf***er!

As you can see.

I got my black ass

back in the ghetto.

the only place

where you can get robbed

by Santa Claus

on Chistmas Eve.

Sh*t!

I don't know if I can handle

another goddamn Friday.

This sh*t hurt.

Day-Day! Wake up, man!

We just got robbed!

Get your scary ass up, man!

I know you heard that sh*t!

Get out of here, man!

Wake your ass up!

Come on, man,

I gotta call the po-po!

What you say? Damn.

We just got robbed, Cheeco.

Unit 415. man

in the middle of the street.

Then what happened?

Then I caught him.

I hit him, like, four times.

I would've been a boxer,

but I was in Special Education.

I'm telling you,

I was whooping his ass!

Craig got to fightin' with him,

he beat his ass.

- Go check out the bedrooms.

- Sure.

What else did he get?

Like I said,

he took all of our presents,

he took my CD collection,

he even took

Day-Day's baby pictures.

And he got our speaker

with all our rent money in it.

Rent money!

- Sit your ass down!

- Who got the rent money?!

You ain't about to do nothin'.

Jumpin' up like you Mr. Get Bad.

Where was you when he was

beatin' my ass with that tree?

- Craig, my leg is hurtin', man.

- Good!

Yeah, he got

the rent money. All of it.

You're positive he was dressed

like Santa Claus?

Jolly white fat guy,

little red suit,

couple elves packin' the bags.

He's a project Santa Claus.

Picture Ol' Dirty Bastard

in a Santa Claus suit.

Can you picture that?

Do you know who

Ol' Dirty Bastard is?

I'm not big on that.

You oughta be nervous.

You a black cop.

You two motherfuckers huddle up

or something and find this dude.

Stay right there.

I ain't goin' nowhere.

- Calm down.

- I'm calm.

- You're gonna sit in the car.

- Do your f***ing job!

You're pushing the wrong buttons.

We the victims, man.

That victim sh*t is way overblown.

Just sit there and shut up.

A**hole.

Santa Claus strikes again.

Makes me want to go home

and lock up all my sh*t.

You gotta stop talking

to the police like that.

Shut up! You better stop

talking to me like that.

I could kick your ass

for the way you actin' this morning.

We gonna have our Christmas party?

How we gonna have a party

with our apartment looking like this?

We can't cancel the party, man!

What about the hos we had coming?

I invited some nice-ass girls.

They gonna f*** for a buck,

do something strange

for a little piece of change,

and I know we gonna

make them holler for a dollar.

One said they was gonna

suck my dick from the back.

I ain't never had that

ever happen to me.

I'm trying to go see

what that be like right there--

Look, man, I don't give

a sh*t about you, that party.

All I got to worry about is the rent,

and it was your idea

to use half the rent money...

Dix, I think we got something here.

Well, well. Whose is this?

Actually, it's both of ours.

No, it ain't!

lt is, but it's for

medicinal uses only.

I mean, he got cataract,

lazy eye, a little glaucoma.

- See that eye right there?

- Little shot of gonorrhea, see?

Do you guys have any idea

what we could do to you for this?

- No.

- Juvenile center?

We can make your Christmas

worse than it already is.

Being that it's Friday,

that means you're not gonna

see a judge till possibly Monday.

Maybe.

But, since we're nice guys,

we'll just confiscate this plant,

take it with us until we find

this Santa Claus character.

That's f***ed up, too.

Oh, hey,

and when we find St. Nick,

what do y'all want us

to do to him, you know?

Cracked ribs, fractured skull,

little eye gouge?

Fractured skull,

beat the sh*t out that motherf***er.

- Eye gouge, that's the sh*t.

- And an eye gouge.

I say stick a plunger in his ass,

like they did in New York.

Fractured skull.

This is Officer Brian Dix.

I'm Officer Alvin Hole.

We'll let you know

if anything develops.

Officer A. Hole and B. Dix.

We'll call you...

if we find anything.

I like them police right there.

You got a big pile of dog sh*t

in the middle of your bed.

You might want to check that out.

Merry Christmas.

He's the dick.

What the hell

is going on around here?!

Happy Holidays, Miss Pearly.

Police running in and out!

What the hell is going on?

Somebody broke in

and stole all our stuff.

That bullshit security.

I sure hope they

didn't get the rent money

'cause you two niggas

been ducking and dodging me

for about three weeks now.

Me--

Today is the day

you motherfuckers is gonna kick in!

Why you always bring your ass

up here harassing us?

With that big ol' wolf p*ssy?

You come here all the time

smelling like that.

- You don't even own the place!

- You just the manager.

And I'm gonna manage

to evict your skinny-punk black ass

out of here today if you two

motherfuckers don't pay up your rent.

Man, get that lined up.

Don't you worry about it, b*tch.

I know somebody like it.

Take your ass back downstairs,

'cause you ain't evictin' nobody

unless you got

a motherfucking army with you.

I don't need no army, Mr. Smart-Ass!

My son Damon home right now.

Damon!

I had a nightmare

about that fool last night.

Day-Day!

Craig!

Which one of you b*tches

want to wash my drawers tonight?

- That'd be him.

- Him.

Okay.

I wash on Sundays, anyway.

Starch or press?

Starch, nigga!

Move!

Come on in, Miss Pearly.

- When did he get out?

- Last night.

And I'm gonna let you two b*tches

in on a little secret--

when you spend 12 years

on a level-4 prison yard,

you become quite fond

of little ol' girls like yourselves.

So either I'm gonna

get my rent money today,

or somebody getting

their salad tossed tonight!

Damn!

That ain't even necessary.

Sure ain't!

We start our new job today,

and I swear to God we're gonna

have your money later on tonight--

cash...in your hand!

You better!

Either you fixin' to come see me,

or Damon gonna come see you.

Simple as that.

You like 'cause your son is a fag?

Shut up, b*tch!

Tell your fine daddy I said...

I hate that b*tch!

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