Friends With Benefits Page #2

on the Internet.

Which got six million hits last month.

I could put up a video of me mixing

cake batter with my b*obs

and it will get eight million hits.

It's been done. Dunkin-My-Tits-Hynes.com.

Really?

Well, look, there's no question that

you are talented at what you do,

but this is GQ.

New York's so crowded.

Look around. I'm from LA, okay?

- I like my open spaces.

- What are you, a gazelle?

Come on,

what's really worrying you about this?

I don't know. I don't want to be the guy

who took something legendary

and sh*t the bed with it.

Excuse the expression.

Well, then don't be the guy who sh*t the bed.

Excuse the expression.

Be the guy

who made the bed legendary again.

Listen, we'll get some coffee in you

before the interview. You'll be fine.

I'm sorry, not coffee.

Some green tea, soy, organic hemp bullshit.

Really hot in New York.

Doesn't it get hot in LA?

Yeah, it gets hot in LA,

but it's the humidity.

In LA, if it's 90 degrees,

it feels like 90 degrees. But...

- Right.

- If it's hot in New York,

it's 90 degrees, it's like 100,000 degrees.

This conversation about weather

is really fascinating,

but lucky for me, we are here.

So, good luck.

Whatever happens, happens.

I told you, I don't really want it.

Just do me a favor?

Act like you do so that I look good.

- I can do that.

- Okay. Go get 'em.

This is great, by the way.

Watch it!

- Hey!

- You're still here?

Yeah. Well, it's my job.

Nice.

So, tell me, how'd it go?

They bought it.

You're safe for a little while longer.

Well, thank you. I owe you one.

This is from you.

It's your offer.

- Wait, I got it?

- They called about five minutes ago.

Congratulations. Offer expires at midnight.

Why didn't you just tell me

instead of texting me?

'Cause it's more dramatic.

Dylan, you are not gonna sh*t the bed.

I've seen your work. It's amazing.

It's a huge move.

Would you uproot your entire

life for a job? Be honest.

Well, no. For a job, probably not.

But for New York? Yeah, I would.

Which is why I'm not gonna

try to sell you on the job,

I'm gonna sell you on New York.

It's New York!

I've seen Seinfeld.

Not the bullshit tourist version.

Puppy dog eyes. Nice touch.

Yes! Come on.

Let me buy you a drink.

What's wrong?

What are you waiting for?

The light to change.

You LA folk are so cute.

Come on.

Come on, it's fine.

- See?

- Yep.

I'm gonna die.

Here we have Brooklyn Bridge,

downtown Manhattan,

and right in front of us, an outdoor bar.

Alcohol. Now we're talking.

You know, I like you.

I'll give you your choice of closes.

- What?

- How I close you on this job.

- Okay.

- So we got the flattery close.

Dylan, you are so good at what you do.

The take-it-or-leave-it close.

Man, I don't care if you take it.

I get paid regardless.

The sympathy close.

You see, my kidneys are failing...

Why do women think the only way

to get a man to do what they want

is to manipulate him?

History. Personal experience.

Romantic comedies.

Come on, you're here for a reason,

whether you want to admit it or not.

Yeah, to explore an option.

Who wouldn't want to know their options?

Someone who's in the perfect situation.

Are you in the perfect situation?

Job? Absolutely.

Everything else? None of your business.

Shaun!

- Jamie!

- Hey!

- Hey, what's up, baby?

- What are you doing here?

- Shaun White?

- You look great.

- You been working out?

- Nope. Just been eating a lot.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- You want a drink?

- Yeah!

- Let me get you a drink. Yeah?

- Okay.

- Careful! Careful.

- Sorry.

Hey, bro, that was like

a double McTwist 1260.

- Yeah, like the trick.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dylan.

Jamie, you want to get this guy

out of my face

before I break his f***ing skull?

Sorry, bro. No disrespect. I'm a huge fan.

You don't f***ing know me, man!

Don't talk to me like you know me!

What, you think I'm all chill

'cause I snowboard and sh*t?

One more word,

I'll f*** you up like dynamite!

Dynamite?

I'm just playing, bro.

Any friend of Jamie's is cool with me.

- It's all good, man.

- All good.

I'm whispering in the ear of a dead man.

I'll see you later.

- Good to see you.

- Bye, honey.

Shaun White seems really great. Nice dude.

- How do you know him again?

- I took his virginity.

So you guys have known

each other for a while?

No, it was like eight months ago.

Wow.

So does the carpet match the drapes?

It's hardwood floors,

if you know what I mean.

My God! Terrible visual.

Totally kidding, by the way.

Just an old friend of mine.

You guys use the same leave-in conditioner.

His hair had nice body.

Can I get two gyro number sixes,

extra sauce?

- What are you looking for?

- The cops.

- Come on.

- The cops?

Yep...

Come on!

- Where are you taking me?

- You'll see.

Well, here's your open space.

Run, gazelle. Run!

- Wow. This is unbelievable.

- I know.

Okay, this was not on Seinfeld.

Come on,

what's your dad think about all this?

About what?

Well, he must have an opinion.

He used to write for the LA Times

for 23 years.

Somebody did their homework.

I have this thing at work.

It's called Google.

Come on, what's he think about the job?

Actually, I didn't ask him.

Well, then you must know what he'd say.

He'd tell me to go with my gut and that

he'd be proud of me no matter what I did.

Sounds like a really great man.

Yeah, he is.

Hey, do you want to

see something really cool?

I always want to see something really cool.

What...

Come on.

Okay.

Only place in the city

you can actually see the stars.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- It's pretty awesome.

- I know.

I like to come up here to think.

Just when it gets a little too much

for me down there, it's like...

It's like my New York version

of a mountaintop.

Best part, no cell reception.

You take all your recruits up here?

Actually, never really

taken anyone up here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Thanks.

If you tell anyone about this,

I will rip your ears off

and staple them to your neck.

Everyone in this city seems really violent.

Come on, let's go. One last stop.

- We're just getting comfortable.

- I know you are. Come on, buddy.

It's New York. Now hustle. Come on.

- Come on, come on.

- You're showing me Times Square.

- This is not touristy at all!

- Would you shush? Come on.

Do we have to power-walk

everywhere we go?

Yes.

So everybody just kind of walks

wherever they want, then.

How 'bout right here?

- What do you mean?

- We're here.

Oh, my God, it's 1988.

All right, smartass, give it five seconds.

- What is this?

- It's a flash mob.

- Like on Oprah!

- Exactly.

Should we get out of the way?

No, no. Enjoy it. Take it all in.

- It's pretty damn cool.

- Right?

It's kind of rad.

Do these people get paid for this?

No. No. They kind of just do it for fun.

It's nice to feel

like you're a part of something.

New York can be a little

bit lonely at times.

And you're trying to sell me on it.

Every place can be a bit lonely sometimes.

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