Frits en Freddy

There's no one home.

Ah, someone's coming.

Good afternoon, sir.

The world is in a bad way.

A very bad way.

People no longer love their fellow man.

There's no more trust in the world.

They're afraid.

- So? What are we gonna do about it?

We'd like to talk to you.

- About God.

I don't think I've got time for that.

What d'you mean?

- Which bit don't you understand?

Oh, right. Sir hasn't got time

to talk about God.

D'you understand this bit?

- Freddy!

You have to make time for Our Lord.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, or

I'll put such a big hole in your guts

your sh*t'll be plastered all over

your neighbours' walls!

What? There's no dough here?

You're lying through your teeth.

- I never lie.

Don't you? So how did you get rich then?

With lies and deceit!

Because, let me tell you,

honest people don't get rich.

They don't even win the lottery.

And d'you know why?

No.

You tell him.

How am I supposed to know?

What about dirty money?

You must have some of that somewhere.

I don't believe this.

Everyone with a villa's got dirty money.

You can't fool us.

You know you can't buy a pile like this

without dirty money, eh?

Exactly. I've spent it all.

Think we're bloody funny, do we?

You're going about this

the wrong way, Mr Villa Man.

The wrong way. D'you know what? I'm

gonna take a look for myself, you poser.

Is that your old woman?

- What's it to you?

She doesn't look like a pushover,

does she?

Mr Carlo Mouse... Is that you?

Mouse? What a funny name!

Carlo Mouse.

It sounds like

some character from a cartoon.

Oh my God, what's that? Is that a dog?

Bloody look at it!

D'you dare be seen with that?

A big hulk like you standing next

to a bag of fleas like that

waiting for it

to have a piss and a crap.

You must make yourself look

a right laughing stock.

Oh man! Don't you think

that thing's revolting?

Turn that off. I said turn that off.

Let's get out of here.

The cops'll be here in a minute.

Funny, is it?

F***in' hell! Did you close the gate?

Yeah, I thought it'd be easier

if we had to make a quick get away!

Come on.

- Hey, hold on.

Now what?

- Jump.

You're joking!

- Stay there then.

There's one out already. Over.

Hold your positions.

I repeat, hold your positions. Over.

Don't worry, we will.

What's the location of number 2? Over.

- He's still stuck on top of the gate.

Jump!

- Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.

Hurry!

I'll drive.

- Why?

Because I said so, dammit!

A red Daf car, number plate

India Foxtrot Delta 681.

They're back.

- They were gone a long time today.

Haven't they seen you yet?

- I think they have.

Are they waving?

- Yeah.

Mangy mongrel.

Piss off!

Well, this is fun.

Cat got your tongue again?

What would you have done

if that poser had had a gun?

Shot him, of course.

- Oh, right.

What?

- Without any bullets?

It wasn't loaded, d*ckhead.

- Who says so?

I do.

Frits.

I took all the bullets out yesterday.

Cos you're a f***in' psycho.

Me?

- Yes, you.

D'you realise you put our lives

in danger this morning, Frits?

I don't remember agreeing

that you'd take it with you.

I can't hear you, Freddy.

- He wouldn't have let us in otherwise.

Maybe, but then we would've just

gone next door.

They were rolling in it too.

- What if I'd had to defend myself?

I'd have looked a right jerk.

Your money or your life.

Oh dear!

It wasn't my fault.

You'd removed the bullets!

What did I just say?

- What?

You're a f***in' psycho!

Bloody dog.

Freddy.

Freddy, no... Bloody hell, Freddy.

He won't be pissing on our car any more.

- Did you have to do that?

With my best kitchen knife.

It's not meant to be used for that.

What? You use it to cut up meat too.

Yeah, but not a dog. Does it say

on it that it can be used for that?

Or did you read it in the book

that came with it when we bought it?

No.

- Well then!

What've you got against dogs?

- The neighbours will be pleased.

There you are!

You can explain it to them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

What d'you want?

- Hello. Is this yours?

Sit down, pal!

Arsehole!

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Nice place you've got here.

Here.

Good job you'd written your name and

address in it, or you might've lost it.

Frits.

- You f***in' half-baked dimwit!

You brain-dead moron!

Target still 100m away. Over.

- Yeah, yeah. Talk normally.

Sorry, guv.

That's the last time I have a ham roll

with extra strong mustard. Bloody hell.

I can't see a f***in' thing.

Control to X7,

situation is status quo. Over.

Hold your positions.

I repeat, hold your positions.

That ham had gone off, but you can't

taste it with strong mustard like that.

Bloody hell.

D*ckhead!

- I wanted to go next door, remember?

But you had to go into this guy's place.

You're nothing but an amateur, pal.

Admit it.

A bungling bloody idiot!

- Oh, yeah, right. Here it comes.

Just look at His Reverence.

Put his brain in a mouse and

it'd go and live in a cat's bowl.

Eh, retard?

You're crazy!

- Come on then!

You come on!

- Chicken!

Let go a minute,

so I can punch him in the kisser.

Are they f***in' about, or what?

How am I supposed to know?

Have you seen them come back out?

- No.

Then they're still in there,

aren't they? It's not difficult!

I desperately need to go to the toilet,

Pat. My guts are churning.

I'm gonna have an accident,

I can feel it.

Go in the bushes over there.

- I can't do that.

Want me to produce a toilet

out of my hat, or what?

I'm bursting, Pat.

I can't hold on any longer.

- We can't leave.

Ten minutes won't hurt,

there's nothing to see here anyway.

Careful!

Five...

Four, three, two, one.

What was that? Fireworks?

- You'll never believe this!

Greta! What was that?

Bastards!

Hey... Bastards!

Did I come at a bad time?

Just a bit, Dad.

What are you two doing?

Is it some kind of game?

- We've been attacked.

Attacked? Who by?

A bunch of nuns?

- No, Dad, by real attackers.

I don't believe it.

- They were armed.

You're having me on.

- We're not.

So what did they want?

- We don't know, they didn't say.

Did they take anything?

- No.

And you'd never seen these guys before?

- No, never.

That was Granny's car.

- I know, Dad.

It didn't have a mark on it.

When it rained, she left it

in the garage and called a taxi.

They don't make them like that any more.

- Could you give us a hand, Dad?

Here you are.

We've been humiliated, Frits.

Here, in our own home.

Dad thinks we're a couple of clowns.

- Yeah.

Has he ever thought otherwise?

If he has, I don't remember it.

Granny's car is a write-off.

I can't go on like this.

You got a plan?

We'll go back and

set light to his shack.

So that that Mouse realises

we're not to be messed with.

We know where he lives.

- Yeah, and he knows where we live.

Let him come! I'll be ready for him.

He's not some amateur, Freddy.

- Neither are we.

And how will we get there? By bus?

- We're not on a bus route.

Maybe I can ask the old prune across

the road if I can borrow their bus?

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