Full Court Miracle

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Alex, Get Serious.

Alan Iverson And 20 Points

Could Not Help Your Team.

You Know, Julie, I Think

We Looked Pretty Good

At That Last Game.

Yeah, Too Bad

The Other Team Showed Up.

You're The Only In History That Should

Be Sued For Malpractice.

So We've Had

A Bad Streak.

19 Games, To Be Exact.

Well, Today

We'll Turn It Around.

Against The Warriors?

Yeah. Right.

They're Undefeated.

Tyler Will Be Scraping

You Off The Bottom

Of His Sneakers.

So, Hey, Julie, Are We Gonna

Shoot Hoops After School?

Are You Kidding?

I'm Gonna

Kick Your Butt.

Hasta Luego.

So Long.

Boy:
Yo, Joker! T.J.!

Second Boy:

Stick, What's Up, Man?

Alex:
Hey!

What's Up, Guys?

Third Boy:

What's Up, Ben?

Hey, Joker's Got

The Answer To Our

Basketball Problems.

Yeah?

Yeah.

My Dad's Doing

Some Research

On Cloning.

If We Get Him To Clone You,

You Could Pass For Yourself.

You Know What?

That's Hilarious.

[Bell Rings]

Boy:
2 Alexes?

That's Not Hilarious.

That's Frightening.

Of Course, You Might

Need Those 2 Bodies

When Mrs. Klein Catches You.

Mr. Schlotsky.

[Bell Rings]

Oh! Oh!

Just Give It To Me.

Whoa!

When We Celebrate Hanukkah,

We Are Really Celebrating

The Story Of Judah

And The Maccabees,

A Story That Began

Over 2,000 Years Ago

During One Of The Earth's

Darkest Hours.

The Cruel King Antiochus

Had Conquered The World,

And Decreed That

All People In Every Land

Should Pay Tribute

To His Pagan Gods.

He Sent Merciless Armies

To Enforce His Decree

And To Slaughter

All Who Disobeyed.

Antiochus Succeeded

Everywhere Except In

One Corner Of The Empire...

In A Land Called Israel.

[Wind Blowing]

[Person Screams In Distance]

Teacher:
Though The People

Stubbornly Resisted,

They Were No Match

For Antiochus' Army,

And In The Face Of Certain Doom,

The People Of Israel Desperately

Needed A Great Leader.

[Horn Blowing]

[People Cheering]

Crowd:

Victory, Victory, Big Score Now!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

Victory!

Crowd:

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

Victory, Victory, Me Oh My!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

[Cheering]

Give It Up Now, Schlots.

Maybe I'll Show You

Some Mercy.

In Your Dreams, Tyler.

[Cheering]

[Whistle Blows]

[Coach And Players Yelling]

[Crowd Cheering]

That's It, Tyler!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Yes! That's It!

All Right, Now,

Straighten Them Out!

[Players And Crowd

Cheering And Shouting

Man:

Ok, Let's Keep It Up!

Coach Simowitz.

Huh?

A Little--A Little Coaching,

Or Some Help, Maybe?

Oh, Of Course.

Absolutely. Of Course.

I Can Do That.

We Are The Lions

The Mighty, Mighty

Lions

Yes, Warriors! Whoo!

The Mighty, Mighty

Lions

Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Yes!

Score!

Must Be Getting Ugly.

Coach Larry Has Already

Launched Into His Victory Dance.

It Started Ugly.

It's Approaching

Hideous.

Come On, Schlots!

[Shouting Continues]

Pass The Ball!

Player:

I'm Open!

Pass It!

[Shouting Continues]

[Whistle Blows]

Hey, Ref!

Referee:
Got A Technical

Foul, Number 5 Blue.

Player:
It's Not Worth It.

Watch Your Temper, T.J.

Watch The Game, Ref!

He Was Charging.

Or Haven't You Read

The Rule Book Yet?

[Whistle Blows]

That's It.

You're Out Of Here.

T.J.:
Gee,

Thanks For The Favor.

Player:

Don't Sweat It, Teej.

Hey, Schlots...

How Does It Feel

To Be On The Worst In The Entire History

Of Basketball?

Lay Off Him, Tyler.

It's Just A Game.

Sounds More Like

A Massacre.

But If You Think

This Is Bad,

Wait Till You See What

We're Gonna Do To You

In The Tourney. Yeah!

[Whistle Blows]

32, This Way.

[Crowd Cheering]

Player:
Come On!

I'm Getting A New Hard

Drive For Hanukkah.

200 Gigs Of Memory.

That's Enough To

Download The Entire

Library Of Congress.

T.J.'S The One

Who's Got It Made.

Christmas And Hanukkah?

Half Jewish,

Half Christian

Equals Total

Holiday Score.

What About You, Stick?

You Guys, Man.

What?

Hanukkah Should Be

About The Maccabees

And The Miracle Of Light

That Followed Their

Victory.

I'll Take Presents

Over Some Old Fairy Tale.

The Miracle Of Light,

My Friend, Is No Fairy Tale.

Ok, One Day's Worth Of Oil

Just Magically Burning For 8?

I Mean, Come On, Man,

These Things Just Don't Happen.

But That's Why

They Call It A Miracle.

What About You, Schlots?

What Are You Asking

For Hanukkah?

Besides The Word "Pass"

Being Removed From The

English Language.

Hey, I Would Pass

If The Definition Of

"Pass" On This Wasn't Turnover.

We Stink.

The Only Way

We Know How To Score

Is On The P.S.A.T.S.

In My Sleep.

1540, Ok?

Now Can We Please

Stop Talking About

The P.S.A.T.S?

Every Year,

We Get Humiliated

In The Liberty

Tournament.

Well, This Year,

The Tourney Is In

Our Home Gym.

And I Don't Want To

Stink. For Once,

I Want To Win.

[Laughter]

Alex:

Losing Is Bad Enough, Dad,

But The Other Guys

Don't Even Care.

Do You Know

We've Lost 20 Straight?

I'm Not Sure.

Can You Hum A Few Bars?

Ba-Dum-Pah!

That Joke Is So Old.

Hello, Doctor.

Not Old.

Well Seasoned.

What's Old Is Losing.

We Hold An All-Time League

Record For Games Lost.

I Know It's Tough,

But Hey, It's Not

The End Of The World.

Mom, The Liberty

Tournament

Is The Most Important

Even Of My Life.

It's Huge.

Really? As Huge As,

For Instance, Law? Medicine?

Education? Remember When

You Wanted To Be

A Superhero?

Or The Time You Tried

To Make Rocket Fuel

So You Could Blow Yourself

To The Moon?

What?

I Think What Your Mom's Saying

Is That As We Get Older,

Our Dreams Can Change.

Well...

Basketball Is My Dream.

That Results

In What, Dear? The Nba?

Maybe.

How Many Players

Are There In The Nba?

So With 125 Million

Adult Males In This Country,

That Means Your Odds

Of Making It Are About

One In 350,000.

[Pager Beeping]

Ugh. Gotta Run

To The Hospital.

Look, Alex...

I'm Not Trying

To Dump On Your Dreams.

I'm Just Trying To Help You

Keep Things In Perspective.

We'll Talk About That

Rocket Fuel Thing Later.

Hey...You All Right?

[Sighing]

Yeah, Sure.

I Mean, What Does Mom

Know About Basketball?

Yeah. Nice.

You Know, The Nba

Takes Players From

All Over The World,

So Actually, Your

Chances Are Much Worse.

Thanks. Now I'm Really

Cheered Up.

Alex, She Means Well,

Ok? But For Your Mother,

Being A Doctor Is The

Most Exciting Thing

A Person Could Ever Do

With Her Life.

As Exciting As Hitting

A 3-Pointer Right

At The Buzzer?

Ok, How About

A Little One-On-One?

For The Last Piece Of

My Double Fudge Cake?

Show Me Your Moves, Old Man.

Well Seasoned.

Whoa!

Oh!

[Alarm Sounding]

[Laughs]

I'd Like To See You Do That.

Rabbi Lewis...

He Bum Fakes...

Spins By Shaq...

Running Rabbi,

He Double Clutches,

Elevates

For The Jump-Up...

He Shoots...

Scores!

Wah! Ah!

From Downtown.

Hi, Alex...

Uh, Come In,

Come In, Come In.

Uh, Something

On Your Mind?

Besides The Yarmulke?

Heh.

Well...

You Said In Class That

When The People Of Israel

Were Up Against The Ropes,

Judah Maccabee

Led Them To Victory.

Oh, So You Were

Listening.

Our Team Needs

A Judah Maccabee.

Is That So?

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