Funny People

MAN:
Let's call American

Express. You lost your card,

(WOMAN LAUGHS) and you don't

know what the number of it is.

GEORGE:
That's a great one.

MAN:
Do the old lady.

GEORGE:
(IMITATING OLD

WOMAN) I lost my card.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

WOMAN:
Your... Your accent went

in and out on you sometimes.

GEORGE:
I went southern and then...

ON PHONE:
American Express.

I'm Danille, how may I help you?

GEORGE:
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I

certainly need some assistance.

I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,

but I'm very shook up. I got

my American Express card stolen.

WOMAN:
Okay, can I have

your last name, please?

GEORGE:
Yes.

What's your last name?

Right.

Okay, can you give me your name

so I can look up your account?

Yes. Helen.

What's your last name, please?

Easafawn.

What?

(WOMAN SNlCKERS)

Helen Easafawn.

E-A

S-A-fawn.

ON PHONE:
Jerry's Famous Deli.

This is Cindy. May I help you?

Hi. I have no legs. May

I speak to the manager?

(RECEIVER CLICKS)

(MAN LAUGHlNG)

Now, if I get a bill and

it's something, like, for...

(STUTTERlNG)

(ALL SNlCKER)

But two times in a row I eat

the damn roast beef and I'm...

I can't stop going to the bathroom!

MAN:
Well, I'm sorry, but

there's nothing I can do for you.

MAN:
Ma?

And my son thinks I'm crazy.

Ma, who you calling?

It's Jerry's. And don't

tell me not to call them.

Jesus Christ, get off the f***ing phone!

Don't talk to me that way!

Get off the f***ing phone!

What's going on?

MAN:
Same thing as the last time.

Did she... What'd she call you about?

The roast beef? Yes.

All right, she just

puked in the kitchen.

That's all right. I suggested

that she doesn't eat roast beef

if it doesn't agree with her.

(WOMAN SNlCKERlNG)

I... I appreciate your

suggestions, but I love roast beef.

It's delicious!

MAN:
Go clean up the mess!

(CRYlNG) I can't. Get off of me!

You son of a b*tch!

(ALL SNlCKERlNG)

(DIAL TONE)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

George?

GlRL:
Hi, Mr. Simmons.

Ladies.

George Simmons, man!

Can I get a picture?

Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All

right, hit me, baby, all right.

Get a little tittie in there. Come on.

How are you? You're really funny.

Thank you. You're funnier.

(SPEAKS GlBBERlSH COMlCALLY)

Hello. Hi!

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up?

GEORGE:
Hey. How are you?

Hey, handsome. Doctor.

How are you, kid?

How are you, baby?

(CLEARS THROAT)

The Lunestas are working, baby.

Those are smooth. No hangover.

Fall asleep, bam. F***ing what

was the deal with the Restorils?

Why did you give me those? You

trying to f*** with me or something?

George, we got the results back from

the follow-up of your blood count

and it's not what we hoped for.

As I mentioned earlier,

the CBC was abnormal.

Your white blood cells were four

times the size that they should be.

And very low hemoglobin,

seven grams per deciliter.

I don't understand what

you're saying right now.

Can you speak how people speak?

You have a very serious

disease. It's called AML.

It's a form of leukemia and I can't

predict how this will play out,

but I feel you have a

rough road ahead of you.

That's George Simmons, right here.

George! George! George Simmons!

Hey, man! How, how you doing,

man? I'm a big fan of yours.

(lNAUDlBLE)

I'm sorry to say we're past the

point where traditional structures

Iike chemotherapy and radiation

would be effective at all.

DR. STEVENS:
And I think it's best for

us to pursue an experimental course.

CHUCK:
Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales.

Thanks for shopping

at Otto's. Yo, Chuck,

I'm going up at the Comedy

& Magic Club doing stand-up.

You should come watch me.

Don't let him suck

you in. He's not funny.

Nah, he's right, man. No way,

man. That sh*t was painful.

I mean, it was hard

watching you suffer up there.

I had f***ing nightmares after that.

That was a long time

ago. That was months ago.

I've gotten a lot funnier since then.

Then you bored my wife to sleep.

I couldn't get no p*ssy that night, man.

Don't blame me for your p*ssy issues.

Are they gonna pay you? Pay me? No!

That's just how it starts. You

don't get paid in the beginning.

You gotta, you know, work

your way up through the ranks.

My n*gger, how the f***

you in show business

when you got no business to show?

I'm supposed to be writing jokes.

I'm supposed to be doing comedy.

I'm not supposed to be

making macaroni salad.

I hate it, man. It's

depressing. Otto's sucks!

You don't know about no

motherfucking hard time, man.

I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's

the only place that would hire me.

You too good for Otto's now?

I'm not too good for it.

I just don't... It's not

for me, you know, I'm sorry.

See that bridge? 1,200 bucks.

Okay.

On the house, man! Otto,

man! Otto's my lotto.

Come on, man, look. I can't

work here anymore, all right?

What, you gonna be on TV

or some sh*t like that?

I am gonna be on TV. The chunky

guy on Survivor or some sh*t?

No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld.

Get the f*** out of here, man!

You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld.

Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!

Now Kramer,

Kramer gets a pass from me

'cause Kramer's my n*gger.

Well, very forgiving of you.

Look, as a friend, man,

let me tell you something.

You're not funny. I think I'm funny.

I got new jokes, man, and they're good.

Let me hear one of your new jokes.

Okay, I got one like,

I'm really good at Guitar

Hero, you know, on PlayStation,

and I was so good at it, I thought,

like, "Maybe I should get a guitar."

Then I thought like, "I'm

really good at Grand Theft Auto,

"maybe I should start

beating up hookers."

Okay, that got me. That was humorous.

I thought you'd like that.

But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man.

For real, if I had

some dough, I would go.

I'll pay your cover charge.

That's the night I

take my wife out also,

so you gotta pay for my b*tch, too.

Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If

you come and laugh. Laugh loud.

(LAUGHS)

Like that? That's good. Perfect.

I'll see you Saturday then.

Okay, good. Thank you.

Craig, listen to me. I'm

doing the best I can, okay?

I wiped your ass our entire

childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy!

Well, you're the one that asked

the wizard to make you young again.

I didn't mean this young!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Last time I had a suit

on, at my bar mitzvah.

My bar mitzvah, it was the last...

And now I got the same

suit. It's the same suit.

I think it looks good. The bar

mitzvah was a good day in my life.

I made more money that day than

I think I'll ever make again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, it's really sad. To

peak at 13 is a weird feeling.

MAN:
This is indicative

of the kind of...

GEORGE:
Yo. Yo. Shoot

that. Look at that!

Both those girls just go,

"That's the guy from MTV. "

I swear on my life, those two

girls, they were just going,

"That's the guy. " It's

the second time it happened.

I got off a... I got off,

I got off the bus, and...

I mean, the train. I'm walking out...

Me and Ann traded shifts. My

family's in from Green Bay.

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