Funny People Page #2

You know, come to see how their

daughter's doing in the big city.

You know, wait, you went

to school here, right?

(PHONE RINGING)

LAURA:
Hello?

Hey, Laura, it's George.

How's the northern side

of California going?

What do you want, George?

I was wondering if

you had a few minutes.

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Actually, I don't. I was

just walking out the door.

Is it okay if I get your number

and I'll give you a call back later?

I know I'm not supposed to call you.

I just wanted to let you know that,

that I really am so

sorry about everything.

I'm sorry, I screwed up.

Too bad you didn't

realize that back then, but

anyway, I gotta go. Do you

want me to call you back?

No, you don't have to call me

back. I know you're not going to,

but I just wanted to let you

know I was sorry one more time.

Okay. Well, all right.

Okay, good luck, George.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, so, like, I have this joke

about how, like, you never see, like,

a very attractive, blonde,

big-breasted homeless woman.

You know, like, someone will take

care of that person no matter what.

That woman's gonna be fine.

All right, so here's the joke.

You can be attractive and

stupid and make it in the world.

Yeah.

And you could be unattractive and smart

and make it in the world. Yeah.

But it's the ugly, dumb

people who are really screwed

'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.

That's funny, man.

That's pretty funny.

I think that'll work.

I was thinking of doing

this thing where, like,

I'm not good-looking

and I'm not bad-looking.

I'm kind of, like, right

in the middle, you know.

Like... Like, if I had a good personality,

I could get any chick in the world,

but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work.

I auditioned for Budd

Friedman at the lmprov.

He okayed me and made me a regular.

Budd won't even look me in the eye.

Man, that's... Good for

you, man. Congratulations.

You shouldn't have lost

all that weight, man.

There's nothing funny

about a physically-fit man.

I know. It's lame, right? Yeah.

No one wants to watch

Lance Armstrong do comedy.

(SlGHlNG) Oh, God.

Hey, lra.

Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a

favor and never leave a paycheck

from your sh*t sitcom on my

pillow ever again, please?

(SlGHS) That is so rude of me

to accidentally leave my paycheck

for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.

It's a dick move.

It's just, they keep coming,

you know, week after week.

It's getting a little bit

hard to keep track of them all.

You know what? Becoming

marginally famous

has really turned you into an a**hole.

Now listen, I'd love to stay here and

chat with you, but we have company.

You know that girl comedian

who lives across the street?

The one with the dark

hair and the bangs?

Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right.

Well, I bumped into her

outside and I invited her in,

and she's sitting in our

living room right now.

She's out there right now?

She's hot and she's

mousy, but kind of like...

She's mousy like a mouse you

want to stick your dick in.

Yeah, you've gotta get

out there and talk to her.

Why would you do that?

What do you mean, why would I do that?

I'm trying to hook you up.

Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.

I got a three-month plan. You

can't just throw me into this.

I'll give you 10 days

on your three-month plan.

No, I need 80 more days than that!

Okay, I do this because I care

about you. I do this to motivate you.

But I will f*** that girl

in 10 days. I promise.

Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.

I don't look like Jackson

Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!

Don't do this to me.

Don't make me f*** her.

Well, then just don't f*** her!

Don't you put me in this corner

where I have to f*** my way out.

He'll do it, too. He'll do it.

I've seen him do this before.

I'm gonna go out there and warm

her up. I'll see you out there.

Kanye. Kanye!

No. T.I. T.I.

Lil Weezy. It's all about Common.

Eminem. MARK:
But do you guys know

who the greatest rapper of all time is?

(SINGING) William Shakespeare!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I know it's silly, but it's

fun. You know, people like it.

Yeah. You know?

It's just cool that

you're on TV. I mean...

I can't believe you

haven't seen this before.

Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.

Is it on a kids channel? WB?

A teen channel or something?

MARK:
No. It's on NBC.

DAlSY:
Really?

Ira, this is Daisy. Oh!

Daisy, lra. Hi.

How are you? How's it going? Good.

Actually, I have a

cold, so I shouldn't...

Oh!

Air shake.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I've actually seen you do comedy

at the lmprov a couple times.

Yeah, you're really...

You're really, really funny.

Oh, thanks.

You know, lra just lost 20 pounds.

Oh, congratulations.

Yes, I did. All from my cock.

Um... So...

So, this episode right here

is actually a two-parter.

Great, so does that mean we're

gonna watch both parts right now?

Oh, shoot. Oh, God.

You need some help with that, lra?

No! No, it's...

It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.

Mmm.

(SLURPlNG)

I'm joking. I'll get a rag.

See you in nine days, lra!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

RANDY:
I went to a place recently

RANDY:
I went to a place recently

I'm convinced is the most

f***ed up, crazy place

I've ever been to. It's a little

place called Cold Stone Creamery.

Now, the thing at Cold Stone is...

I can't believe this

is what people like.

The sizes are "like it, "

"love it" and "gotta have it!"

What kind of crackhead

terminology is that?

"What size you want, man?"

"I don't know, man,

I just gotta have it!

"Put some ice cream in a

cup with some sprinkles!

"Put your dick in a Butterfinger

and f*** it for me, please!

"Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm

tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!

"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!

I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!

"I'm tweaking! I'm

tweaking! I'm tweaking!"

(SlNGlNG) That's how it's done,

son! That's how it's done, son!

Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy.

Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?

No, they were... They

seem pretty good out there.

I'm really stepping up my game.

These b*tches gotta

start paying me for this.

Can't get no more free Randy. I

just f***ed that crowd in the ass.

Yeah.

Just awesome. Just f***ing bam!

Crowd, me, bam! Crowd,

me... My stand-up's my dick.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

You know? I'm gonna do the same thing.

Bullshit! Let's get some

M&M's and chips going.

Yellow! MAN:
lra!

Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,

so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo.

Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah.

(MOCKlNG) "Yeah, thanks, yeah."

(SCOFFS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Did he just

tell you you're going on next?

Yeah, I'm on next. Okay.

Well, I'm on after you,

and if you go long, this is

going to die in my pocket.

(CHUCKLES)

That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic.

Okay, when you get the

light that means one minute.

Okay.

The other night, I heard my

balls and my dick talking.

And my balls were like,

"Are you okay?

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

"Is he hurting you?"

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