Funny People Page #3

And my dick's like, "You

don't know him like I do.

"He's a great guy. He loves me. "

There's always one guy that

laughs way too hard in the...

Hey. George Simmons just showed up.

He wants to go on, so you are bumped.

Okay, how long does he do?

How the f*** should I know?

He hasn't been here in five

years, but you gotta be ready.

Okay. Okay.

LEO :
Thank you, guys!

It's really nice to be here!

(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)

See that? I f***ing killed

out there. Yeah, that was good.

Watch out, Leo, watch out.

All my new sh*t worked.

Yeah. Yeah.

I was supposed to go on after

you. George Simmons showed up.

Now I'm gonna go on after him.

George Simmons is going

up right now? Yeah.

I just opened for George Simmons?

(SlGHS) Yeah.

That's f***ing awesome, man!

(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)

Yeah!

All right!

Yeah, all right, I'm scared.

I'm scared for all of you guys.

You need me! You need me.

I'm not gonna be here forever.

Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple.

You just look at each other and say...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Everyone's laughing.

You people are so unamusing

you have to pay another person

to come and amuse you.

What do you do at home?

Just sit, f***ing antsy, all day long,

"When are we gonna get

to that amusement place?

"Amuse me. " You should be

thanking me for those movies.

"Oh! Finally, a movie.

Let's watch it together. "

That's the beauty of movies, by the way.

You go in there and you don't

have to talk to each other.

And it's fun. You could

stare at the screen.

And, "Maybe we don't hate each

other 'cause we both like this movie.

(LAUGHS)

"We are connecting on that.

"Hey, we're still together.

"All these years later, we

still love each other, right?

"During the movie, yes. When the

movie's over, 'You f***ing b*tch.

"'Why am I still with you?

We have nothing in common.

"'Something's missing. "'

Anyways, I have no religion.

My parents did not believe in God.

That was great. They passed that along.

I didn't even have a f***ing choice.

They were like, "Nope, don't do it. "

"Really? So, when Grandpa

dies he goes to heaven?"

"Nope, he'll be in the ground. "

"Thanks, Dad. Should

I sleep now? 'Cause I...

"There's no way I'll have

a nightmare tonight. "

(EXCLAIMS) "F*** you. I don't

believe in nightmares, either.

"Fags have nightmares.

"If there was a God, why would

there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.

"Pleasant dreams. "

Simmons is getting a little dark.

What is he doing?

(EXHALES)

(SOFTLY) When you hear

the waitress's footsteps

that's when you know

you're not doing well.

(SIGHS)

Oh, boy, it's quiet in here.

You hear that?

I think I can hear the freeway.

Hello! I'm Ira Wright.

I'm not good-looking

and I'm not bad-looking.

I'm kind of right in the middle.

So, like, if I had a good personality,

that might make it so

girls really liked me,

but I don't. So...

Um... Uh...

Okay. George Simmons. Wow.

Now what do we do?

He seems unhappy with his

money. Give it to me, I'll...

I could really spend that.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

If he's depressed with his life,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I live on my friend's pull-out couch.

So, anyway, I... Wait,

did you hear that?

Yeah, George Simmons just shot

himself in the face backstage.

It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside.

Uh-oh!

Is he organizing a mass suicide?

Is that where you're going?

Are you joining him?

Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it.

Don't worry, the next guy who's coming

out has a dove hidden up his a**hole, so...

And then Robin Williams is

gonna slit his wrists out here.

So, that's nice, also.

I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank

you, very much. Have a good night.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SlGHS)

Give me a break.

Yo! Hey! Hey!

This f***ing guy.

What's up?

Hey. I'm sorry.

I'm parked right on the other

side of you and I can't get in.

What, you come here to make

some jokes to my face now?

You're hard to follow. I

didn't know what to say.

I'm sorry about that. No, don't be.

I would've done the same.

You had to comment on it.

Yeah, you had some funny sh*t.

You're a good writer.

Thank you.

Your friend... Is that your

friend? The fatter version of you?

He's my roommate.

Yeah, he's really funny.

You got good stuff.

You're gonna be all right.

Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man.

That's so... I appreciate it. Hey!

You know, well, I've been a

really big fan of yours. All of us.

We kind of grew up on your sh*t

and, you know, incidentally.

So, that's so nice of

you to say, man. Thanks.

Thank you!

Nice to meet you, man!

(ENGlNE REVVlNG)

You're gonna die!

And I'm gonna kill you!

(LAUGHlNG)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Man, that was awesome.

(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)

LEO:
Cats.

Can you dig it? Mmm-hmm.

Just a bunch of cats.

Then me doing stuff.

Then back to the cats doing stuff.

You've gotten 700,000 hits

in four days from this?

Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in

the title of your YouTube video,

you're gonna get a

million hits. Mmm-hmm.

And then I link that to my website

and you can see my stand-up

on my website. It's genius.

Why don't you just call it

like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"?

And then more people would google that.

Hi. I've got two girls coming

over here in a little bit.

Can you fold up your bed,

please, into the couch?

I don't want the place to look

like a mess when they get here.

Okay, I'm sorry. I was

watching this thing.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

MARK:
All right? Okay.

Hello?

Hey, this is George Simmons.

(LAUGHS)

F*** you, Craig. What's happening, man?

It's not your dumb-ass friend

Craig. It's George Simmons.

Oh!

I'm sorry. Hey. Hey,

how's it going, man?

Hey, hey, good job last night.

You guys were pretty funny.

You and the triple-XL version of you.

Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you.

That's... I... Well, I appreciate that.

You guys are all right. Good job. I...

I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace

and I'm gonna need some jokes and sh*t.

I was thinking maybe you guys

would want to write me some.

You know, he's kind of

a flaky guy, but I'm...

I've got nothing going on, man.

I would... I'd love to do

that. Sure. Totally. I'm in.

What kind of jokes do you need?

Just sh*t about them or

computers or whatever they like.

When you sprinkle a little lemon

there, they get excited, you know.

That's no problem. That makes sense.

So, you want to be held accountable,

come watch me do them tomorrow?

I'll take you to the

gig. Okay, cool, yeah.

How should l... How should l...

How should I get them to you?

How should l... How should l...

How should I get them to you?

I can give you my fax

number and my e-mail.

What's your e-mail?

My e-mail?

It's irasexira@yahoo.com.

Wow. I'm just... I'm starting

to reconsider asking you.

Don't do that. It's from high

school. It was funny then.

Yeah, you should change it.

It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.

I mean change it now.

Okay, I'll change it,

I'll change it ASAP.

Okay, don't say "ASAP," either.

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