Funny People Page #4

And don't say "I'm chilling" or

"It's all good" or any of that stuff.

Okay, I don't. I don't

chill anyway, so I won't.

And it's not all good, so don't worry.

Okay, lra. Okay.

All right, lra.

(LAUGHING)

Guys, that was George

Simmons on the phone.

He saw me do stand-up.

He thinks I'm funny! He wants

me to write jokes for him!

What? Yep!

Why?

Why? He thinks I'm funny!

This doesn't make any sense at all.

No?

Jeez, I gotta get started.

What is happening?

You forgot about the bed!

Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds.

Nerds... Nerds have no

friends in real life.

The more friends on MySpace, the

less friends you have in real life.

"How does the softball

team at MySpace work?

"Does everyone get picked

last?" That could be funny.

At some point, you should have

George say, "F*** Facebook!"

"F*** Facebook in the face!"

(BOTH LAUGH)

So, like, that's funny. All right,

tell George I wrote that, okay?

Totally. Totally,

man. You gotta be like,

"Leo wrote that." Yeah,

no, no, no, totally.

Hey, lra, I think this is him!

(CHUCKLES)

He's got a limo!

Can we go out and meet him?

No, no, no. You can't say hi to him.

Just let me get in

with him a little more

before I introduce people to him.

Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right?

Stars hate it when you

kiss their ass too hard.

I hate it when people kiss

my ass too hard. You do?

You hate it when people

kiss your ass too hard?

I hate it.

Man!

Hey. I feel like we're going to prom.

Okay, well, we're not.

Okay, let's hit it!

This is good. I like this one

about the guy from MySpace and the guy

from Craigslist getting into a fight.

That's funny.

You're excited.

I am excited.

Yeah, that's good.

It's good to be excited.

I used to be excited.

Well, it's awesome. It's exciting.

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG)

(EXCLAlMS)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Wow!

GEORGE:
Thank you!

Yeah!

Brought the nice legs

with you. Good job.

Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir.

Welcome aboard. Thank you.

The name's Dave. Hi, Dave.

We may hit a few bumps up there,

nothing too crazy. We'll get you there.

Okay, cool! All right.

Hope you enjoy Chinese food. I love it!

Very good. Enjoy your flight. Thank you.

Wow!

You guys were a little late, so we

had to put up James Taylor first.

Karen, she's a silver sun

You'd best walk her

way and watch it shine

Watch her watch the morning come

A silver tear appearing

now that I'm cryin', ain't I

I'm going to Carolina in my mind

How'd you guys get him?

Everybody's got their price.

Last year, we had Roger Waters

doing Dark Side of the Moon.

That love's the finest thing around...

Okay, I thought it could

be funny if you just go,

"F*** Facebook in the face!"

All right. Hey, you do five

minutes before I go up there.

What? No. No, I can't follow Fire

and Rain. Are you kidding me, man?

I can't follow it, either.

That's why you're going up there.

Oh, yeah

Thank you, MySpace!

F*** Facebook!

(ALL CHEERlNG LOUDLY)

I can't believe that.

He did the Facebook joke!

(LAUGHlNG) Yeah! He did the Facebook...

I can't follow this, man.

I can't go on right now.

Give me this sh*t.

Get up there. Be a man.

This is a pretty big room.

Lot of people here.

Let's have another round of

applause for James Taylor, everybody.

Yeah, do you actually use MySpace?

No, no, no. I f*** girls, Tom.

I don't have time for that.

I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist

would ever get in a fight with each other.

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

Who would win that fight?

That's what I want to know.

Tom or Craig, who's tougher?

Tom has more friends,

so that's probably good.

Craig has weirder friends, though.

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

Craig has friends that are willing to

do a lot more for cash. I will say that.

Eh?

What the f*** was that all about?

You did all the jokes you wrote for me.

Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I

panicked. It's all they wanted.

They just wanted MySpace

jokes. They didn't want...

That's why I hired you

to write me MySpace jokes.

I know, I'm sorry. That

one, I didn't tell that one.

That one will work.

I guarantee you.

It better work. They're

paying me 300 grand.

TOM:
Mr. George Simmons! Really?

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, Tom, thank you.

Good evening, nerds! Yes!

What about Ira, everybody? How'd

you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah.

That guy, man.

He is such a f***ing nerd, I can't

believe he doesn't work with you people.

Tom started MySpace just

to get friends, I know it.

So, they say the more

friends you have on MySpace,

the less friends you have

in real life. You know?

(IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have

"Yes!

"Isn't that great? I have so

many friends on the computer. "

"What are you doing tonight?"

"I'll be on the computer.

"That's what I do. "

I hate the new generation

of coolness out there.

You just never get any information out

of people you talk to, the youngsters.

"Hey, what are you

doing?" "Just chilling. "

All right. I know, you're chilling.

"What're you doing

tonight?" "Things. " "Okay. "

I like dumb people, you know.

They like to talk to you.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"I like lollypops. "

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

"Good. "

"My favorite color is butterscotch. "

Do you ever get tired of singing the

same songs, you know, over and over?

Do you ever get tired of

talking about your dick?

Yeah, I don't like... I

don't like blowj*bs very much.

I don't like... A lot of

guys like the blowj*bs,

I don't love them. I never know

what to do with my hands. You know?

I'm always like...

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

You can either go hands on

the hips or the salute is fun.

Yeah, it's always shocking

when a girl blows you.

You're like, "Really? You

want to do it? All right. "

I got some advice for

the ladies out there.

When you are performing that

act on a fellow don't ever say,

"You know, you're the first guy I

ever got the whole thing in my mouth.

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

"Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway

down and I just start f***ing choking,

"but with you, I got a ball in my mouth!

"That's never happened!

"Look, I have him in my mouth right

now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear.

"Normally I have a stutter. "

That wasn't a pee, that was

a sh*t. That took too long.

Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job.

Thank you so much, man.

I've never made this much money

doing anything, man. Thank you.

Good. I'm thinking about

doing a lot more stand-up.

Okay.

And my assistant got pregnant.

I didn't even know she... I

thought she was a f***ing lesbian

the whole time, but...

They can get pregnant, too.

That's nice. That's very nice. Yeah.

So, you want to kind

of assist me, you know?

Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not...

I mean, you can write jokes for me, too,

but get me sodas...

Whatever you need, man!

...and, like, clean

my sh*t up and... Yeah.

How much money you make now?

It depends on how many hours.

Usually, I can get about...

I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week.

That's amazing, man. Thank you so much.

You want to f*** these two girls?

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