Funny People Page #5

Hey, the JT.

George. That was the

best. You killed them.

Ira.

Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello.

You wanna f*** these girls?

I filled my quota in 1982, I believe.

All right, I'll have

to figure this sh*t out.

I know those girls.

You do? Do you want to meet those girls?

Will you f***ing settle down?

Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle.

You're twitching like a f***ing

madman. That guy in porno?

No. I would know. No?

Mandy. Well, hi there.

You're still swimming?

Get the f*** out of there.

I'm ready for you.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah.

I like that thing.

Good. Well, go for it.

It's hard. Bam!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

MANDY:
This house is crazy.

GEORGE:
Oh, yeah, you got

to see the whole thing.

Come here. It came furnished.

Really?

(GEORGE MOANlNG)

GEORGE:
That's my man, lra. He wrote a

lot of good jokes for me there, honey.

Make sure he shows you his

cock. It's very, very thick.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

See you, George.

Hey, wanna have a contest to see who

can hold their breath the longest?

(GASPS)

(SPlTS)

You didn't go under.

Nothing's gonna happen between us.

I can't believe I'm having

sex with George Simmons.

Yeah, he can't believe it, either.

My dad loves your movies.

Yeah, that's the best when

you talk about your dad.

(MOANlNG)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Dad, this won't bring Mom back!

I have nothing else!

BOY:
You're a champion,

Dad! You're a champion!

Oh! You're still here.

I know that a**hole.

You two were just f***ing,

huh? How'd that go?

No, I have a boyfriend.

We already talked about it.

Yeah. John. Yeah.

Your friend took off. She

thought you left, so...

Really?

That's what happens in a big house.

It's called "the big house problem."

Your friend actually left

her purse down the hall.

You want to go get it with me?

Oh. Okay.

(MUMBLlNG)

Don't you leave on me, lra.

F*** me like MerMan!

Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call!

Come on!

(WHOOPlNG) Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God!

Hey. Oh. Hey.

Sorry about the chick, man. I...

You weren't getting it done,

so something had to happen.

Oh, that's... No, she...

I wasn't even trying.

She told me she had a boyfriend.

Oh, yeah. She told me

she had a boyfriend, too.

(SlNGlNG) When she was sucking my cock!

(GAGGlNG)

(RETCHlNG)

What the f*** are you doing

with that big dick of yours?

You gotta use it! You gotta

share Thickie with the world.

I don't... It's normal.

You want to go upstairs, man? Talk

to me while I try to fall asleep?

Okay, if... Yeah, if that's

what you want me to do.

Yeah, yeah. Sit down,

man. That was a fun night.

That was a good night.

Yeah, that was crazy.

Yeah.

So, you slept with

both those girls, man.

How did you do that?

How did I do that? There's this...

Girls like famous guys. It's a story

for them, I guess. I don't know.

I take advantage of it, though.

Believe me, they always

leave disappointed.

(YAWNlNG) That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, so let me hear

about this name, lra Wright.

That's not your real name, right?

How could you tell?

(CHUCKLES)

You're hiding some Judaism.

No, my real last name is Wiener.

It's lra Wiener and everyone...

It's spelled the same as "wiener" and

I just got tired of correcting people.

So, that's what led you

to the path of comedy.

Being humiliated every

day. First day of school,

(lN FEMALE VOlCE) "ls lra Wiener here?"

And you were in the back.

(lN KlD'S VOlCE) "Wiener.

My name's Wiener."

You little fruit. What

were your parents like?

What are the older

"Wieners" or Wieners like?

My parents are divorced.

They hate each other. My mother

thinks my father's the devil.

I don't know what that

makes me, technically, but...

So, you'll never be as funny as me.

Why not?

Your generation has the

divorces, which is cute-funny,

but my generation has the, "Oh, my God,

my father's about to hit me with a bat!"

I just... You gotta break out the funny a

lot quicker than your little faggy childhood.

(YAWNlNG)

Are you serious?

I spent my whole childhood

trying to make my father laugh.

I still haven't succeeded,

but we'll get there.

Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming.

When's the first time

you fingered a girl?

I was at summer camp, Jewish

summer camp, on the sports field.

And her name was Sharon Mizrahi.

I didn't know what to

do. I got really scared.

She reached down and

grabbed my penis really hard,

Iike she was just trying to murder it.

Morning. Yeah, baby.

It took me three hours, but

I think I found your kitchen.

Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it?

No, no. You're good. You're safe.

What do you got there?

This is medicine, lra. I'm sick.

One of those girls have chlamydia?

I thought she smelled funny.

Is that what it is? Yeah.

I have a weird blood disease.

AML. It's a form of leukemia.

This is experimental

medicine from Canada.

There's an 8% chance of

it working. So, f*** me.

Well, that's not true 'cause if it was,

I would've read about

it or heard about that.

You didn't hear about it because

I didn't f***ing run out and

tell Entertainment Tonight.

Well, why would you tell me?

'Cause I don't really know you, lra.

I think you're not gonna

get too weird about this.

I don't want to start getting

treated like the guy who's gonna die.

So, anyways, this sh*t's

got a lot of caffeine in it.

They say that's good for

you. Let me take the medicine.

Why are you telling me this, George?

'Cause I want you to

possibly do me a favor.

Okay. Yeah. What?

Kill me.

What?

Nobody knows we know each other.

You're a stranger. You

can get away with this.

I got a gun in the other

room. It's untraceable.

I'll give you $50,000.

Don't make me suffer. Please,

kill me, lra. I'm begging you.

Can you at least give me,

like, a night to think about it?

Ha!

Think about it? You would do it!

Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no!

Ira, I misread you. You're

sick! You're a murderer!

Screw you, man.

You wanted to do it!

What would you have done for

$100,000? Chop my head off?

You would still want to do it!

That wasn't even good acting over there!

What the f***? That was good acting.

Daniel Day-Lewis would've

crushed that speech.

I bought that, man. Wow!

Ira, you don't have to

kill me, but I am gonna die.

George, look. Honestly, I'm

like... Don't get close, lra.

...a really gullible guy. Don't do this.

Look, my friends, they

trick me all the time.

One of my roommates told

me he was Joe Pesci's son.

I believed him for three

years. I still get sh*t for it,

so just, please, level with me, man.

Are you serious? I am serious, lra.

Don't tell anybody about

this though, all right?

I want it to be our secret.

Now, you're gonna make me

some eggs. Okay, murderer?

(SOFTLY) Don't say that.

Just try not to kill any of the staff

while I'm gone, okay?

They have families.

IRA:
Well, he actually tricked

me first, but then he showed...

I mean, he's taking medicine.

He's getting this special

medicine from Canada.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes