Funny People Page #6

MARK:
Oh, my God, that's the

saddest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah. I think I'm the

only person he's told.

That's what he said. I mean, he's

really... He likes me, in a weird...

I think he's, like, taken

a shine to me, you know.

Not enough to let you

in on that two-on-one.

Come on, that's not appropriate.

I don't want that anyway.

IRA:
I just don't know. I mean, it's...

It's really scary. I've never even...

I don't think I've known

anyone who's, like, sick,

you know, in like a major way

before. I don't... I just...

LEO:
George Simmons. He's

been around my whole life.

It's like Snap, Crackle

and Pop dying, you know?

IRA:
I know.

Can we not talk about this right now?

I'm not really good with

the whole death thing.

Is that all right?

I need to talk about it,

man. I work for this guy now.

I can't... I mean, that's all

I'm... It's all I'm thinking about.

I'm gonna tell you this story that

makes me feel all right with death.

When I was younger, my grandfather died

and we were all gathered around him

and there was this one

candle next to his bed.

And right after he died, the candle started

flickering and then it just went out.

Wow. Yeah.

And we looked around,

and there were no windows.

Like, nothing in that room.

And it sounds crazy, but we all thought

it was him going to heaven, you know?

You don't pass through

fire to get to heaven.

I think he went to hell.

(SCOFFS)

What'd you just say? LEO: I just...

I think your grandfather

probably went to hell.

Don't do it. Are you

kidding me right now?

I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you.

You're gonna make fun of me right now,

just after I opened up

to you guys like that?

It's not my fault your

grandfather's in hell.

It's not a big deal.

Some grandpas go to hell.

Come on. Don't be a jerk to me

just because I make

more money than you guys.

How much do you make again?

(LEO LAUGHlNG)

You guys are just projecting

all your hatred onto me.

Okay, and don't be super bummed out

'cause your grandfather's playing

backgammon with Hitler right now.

Sh*t, dude, don't.

(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYlNG)

GEORGE:
I gotta get rid of this stuff.

Man, I don't know what

I'm gonna do with it.

The more money you make, the

more free sh*t they give you.

It makes no sense. I don't see

any jet skiing in my near future.

All this sh*t was free?

You want a TV, lra?

I got, like, three flat screens

laying around in there somewhere.

Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take

this stuff to Goodwill if you want or...

You know what? Don't even

worry about this stuff. Let's...

I got some cars in storage

you could sell for me

and just give that money to charity.

I can do that, yeah.

I'm gonna write a list out for you,

give you a bunch of

things I want you to do.

What size sneaker are you?

Eleven and a half.

(EXCLAlMS) You got that thick cock,

don't you? I want to see that thing.

Come on, pull the cock out.

I'm not gonna show it to you.

What the f***'s the matter with you?

I'm not gonna do anything with it.

I just want to know

what I'm dealing with.

If you give me an iPod.

You a**hole.

All right, you can

have anything in here,

but you gotta take the MerMan poster.

No, I want... I love MerMan!

I knew you loved MerMan.

You and five-year-olds

love MerMan.

It's a smart movie.

So, which, specifically, of the

cars belong to George Simmons?

Which one? Yeah.

All of them.

All of them? Yeah.

Well...

How would I go about selling?

Selling them? Yeah.

Well, I don't know about selling

them but I can make a few disappear.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't want to do that.

I don't want to do that, either.

Just kidding.

DlRECTOR:
Scene D is up! Let's

go on a bell. Yo Teach...!

(BUZZlNG)

And action!

All right now... Bradford!

Yeah? What is this?

Bo's English test.

Well, there's a mistake.

Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes.

That's why there's an F on it.

PRlNClPAL:
You know, if Bo doesn't pass,

he can't play in the big game Friday.

Either you make this right,

or you'll be spending the summer

teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk!

Sh*t.

I can't be a part of this. I'm not...

Yeah. I'm gonna go.

This is just so painful,

though, isn't it?

Yes, I want to kill myself.

So, where are you from, originally?

You just moved here, right?

Yep. Delaware.

Delaware! Our first state in the Union.

Yes, it is.

That's great. No sales

tax in Delaware, right?

Yeah, there's not. That's weird.

You know so much about Delaware.

You f***ing Joe Biden?

He's from Delaware. See? I knew that.

Bo, you're a smart

kid. I've seen you rap.

Yeah! MARK:
All right?

Now, I am willing to give you a

makeup exam on this, all right?

Do you like music?

Did you just ask me if I liked music?

Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware

that that's a weird question.

It's like asking me if I like food.

That was my next question.

Yes. Good.

Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's

playing at the Greek Theatre.

And I was just wondering if

you maybe wanted to go with me.

Yeah. I'll go. I'd be

into that. I like Wilco.

Great.

Okay, great, great. So, I guess

we will go to the show together.

Not anymore.

You serious?

No, I'll go. Oh, okay. Thank you.

Just don't say that ever again.

Okay. I won't.

Yo, Teach! Yeah?

Thanks.

Word.

(SlNGlNG)

Do-ra-mi, Wiener

(SlNGlNG)

Do-ra-mi, Wiener

My name is Wiener

My name is Wiener My name is Wiener

Don't call me Wiener

Whatever. You got any

jokes for me, dum-dum?

Got some good ones, I think, actually.

I have a thing about how,

like, you're rich, you know,

and so you bought a private jet,

but you're afraid of flying,

so you just drive in it.

Oh, that's funny.

You just go to

drive-throughs and car washes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up

with the ending, but that was good.

I thought it could be funny about

your balls, you know, about how, like,

you're getting older and you found

the first gray hair on your balls.

And it really worried you, but

then you realized it was good

'cause it made your balls

look distinguished and smart.

Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed

jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,

your balls could be like a character

Kevin Kline would play in a movie.

Yeah, that's funny, that's

funny. I could do that.

What else you got?

Actually, this just kind of happened.

I'm making you an iTunes playlist.

For what? Sometimes, when I'm upset,

music makes me feel a little

better, so I thought maybe...

Oh, it's a

cheer-me-up thing?

I was gonna just put it on your iPod.

I don't have to play it right now.

For what? For when I go out

jogging? I don't need to...

Let me hear it. I don't jog

anymore. Let me hear my playlist.

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHlSPERlNG) lra! Ira!

Okay, you don't have to make fun of it.

No, Bob Marley!

Yes. Everything is gonna be

all right. You're right, lra.

Bob Marley had cancer. Everything

wasn't all right for Bob Marley.

He dead now.

(LAUGHS) What else you

put on there for me?

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