Funny People Page #7

I really don't want to do this, George.

Can we just... I'll...

Just forget I did this.

Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay?

No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear

what's gonna cheer me up! This is good.

Come on. What else you got?

Okay, here's the next one.

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUTHlNG) Now I've

had the time of my life

No, I never felt like this before

I don't know what to say to that one.

That's... That's just...

That's just fifth grade and...

Showing me your cock was

embarrassing, but this is okay?

Oh, God. That's a good song.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me

more. This is... This is unbelievable.

(SlGHS) You sure you

want to hear another one?

I don't... Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

This is fun to be cheered up.

(SlGHS) I'm sorry...

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Shadows are falling

And I'm running out of breath

Keep me in your heart for a while

If I leave you, it doesn't

mean I love you any less

Keep me in your heart for a while

When you get up in the morning

And you see that crazy sun

Keep me in your heart for a while

Just write me some jokes,

you stupid, f***ing idiot.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Keep me in your heart for a while

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, I'm not married. I don't

think I'm ever gonna get married.

I just... I can't find a

reason to do it, you know?

Like, I got friends, like,

"You gotta get married. My wife.

"My wife is a... She's the best cook.

"My wife's the... You gotta. "

And I'm like, "My

cook's the best cook. "

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

"But my wife, she's my best friend. "

"Yeah, my cook's actually a

pretty good guy. " You know?

This could be funny.

Like, your dad didn't like you, so

he named you and your dog George.

He'd be like, "Hey,

George, come in here!

"Not you, the dog. "

"George, l... Look at this

awesome book I just got!"

And then you come in, it's

like, "Not you, the dog."

That's funny. Yeah.

"Hey, George, I made a nice steak

for you. " "Hey, thanks, Dad. "

"Not you, the dog. "

"Hey, George, I just put some peanut

butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You. "

F*** him.

I miss the dry hump as a concept

in my life. It just doesn't...

I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't

need a big dick to be a good dry humper.

You just need a big

thigh, that's all you need.

Be able to get your

thigh in there real good.

I can thigh the hell out of a girl.

Sexually, I'm completely terrible,

but I could do this all day.

I'm very rich, by the way. I know that

makes you feel good about your life.

I got so much.

(IN HUSKY VOICE) "You

have so much. Why not me?"

I have people stop me on the

streets sometimes, just go,

"You have so much!"

"Yes, yes." "Why not me?"

Like, "I don't know. "

(IN HUSKY VOICE) "Why you? I

came out here to do what you do. "

"Well, you're not doing it. "

"No, I'm not!

"F*** you! I want all your

money and all your whores. "

Airplanes are the last public place

Where you can fart as loud

as you want and no one cares.

'Cause they don't... It's

loud. There's engine noise.

They just don't know it's you.

Like, you could literally be

talking to someone you just met

and be sitting this far away from them

and look them dead in the eye

as they talk about their grandson

and just fart as loud as

you humanly can. Just...

(IMITATING FART)

"Yeah? Where's your grandson from?"

My a**hole's been open this

whole time. It's just still...

Hey, can you help me with some of my

jokes when l... When I drop you off later?

Help you with some of your bits? Yeah.

No. I'm not gonna help you, man.

No one helped me when I started.

F***ing, I'm not paying to help

you, I'm paying you to help me.

No, okay. You're right, you're right.

There is always the one girl out

there, though. The one that got away.

Guys have that and serial killers

have that. The one that got away.

"I had her, the trunk was

lined with garbage bags

"and then she got away. "

I'm sick of rap songs

telling me what to do.

"Bend over. Slap your ass,

girl. Drop it like it's hot. "

Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back.

I'm gonna be, like,

"Boy, brush your teeth!

"Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off

your back. I'm f***ing cold as sh*t!"

I masturbate so much with hand cream,

I forget people use it for

sh*t other than masturbating.

Literally, when I'm in public and

I see someone pull out hand cream,

I'm like, "This guy's

about to jerk off!"

Can I ask you something?

Is your act just designed to make sure

no girl will ever sleep with you again?

All you f***ing talk about

is jacking off and farting.

You think a girl's gonna

come up to you after the show,

"Could you just jack off for

me and then fart in my face?"

It's f***ing insane! Do

you want to get laid, ever?

(SINGING) How will you

people live without me?

Who will bring you joy when I'm gone?

'Cause I'm one funny man

I bring the comedy

I am the one you go

to, to get cheered up

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

Put in my movies

Escape, if you will

To a land of loveliness

He doesn't have patience

He hates so many people

He's mad when others do well

He hates himself F*** George Simmons

He has a medium-sized penis

He f***ed so many girls

And yet no one remembers

when he's done f***ing them

The girl just lays there and says

I should have f***ed Jean-Claude

Van Damme instead of you

F***, yeah! F***, yeah!

George Simmons soon will be gone

And he will not miss you people at all.

Our relationship has

always been strained.

You always wanted too much from

me, and I'm very mad at you.

Leave me alone. Don't

visit my grave, cocksuckers.

Peace!

(AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG)

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

IRA:
Oh, my God, it's George Simmons!

What are you doing

here? What's happening?

I couldn't sleep. I want

to get the Cavaliers game.

I couldn't sleep. I want

to get the Cavaliers game.

I can't get this thing ever to work.

I was up all night, man. I had a

terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off.

I'm f***ing hot one

second and cold one second

and the alc don't work for sh*t.

It's always going up to the roof.

What time is it?

It says 3:
00.

It's 3:
00? God damn it! I can't

f***ing waste time. I gotta...

All right, let's start my goddamn day.

I don't got time for this sh*t.

Let me have that

stupid clicker. Come on.

They keep telling me that

I gotta dial an extension.

I don't even have the f***ing number

to dial for the f***ing extension!

Do you want me to try calling them?

You should have f***ing called them!

Where the f*** were you last night?

You'll call them.

I'm sorry, man.

Just tell me what you need,

I'll get it done, okay?

You pay for all of this stuff

and none of it ever works!

Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick!

These guys are trying

to f***ing kill me!

I want to go to the doctor.

I gotta see this guy.

What the f*** is happening?

This medicine does not

work. It makes it worse!

Okay. I'll call them right now.

I'll tell them we're coming, okay?

Now. We gotta go now.

I'll call them right now, okay?

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