Funny People Page #8

Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.

(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)

Please put away the video game.

Don't do that. Don't be rude.

I'm sorry.

F***ing playing Centipede?

What the f*** were you playing?

Just a driving game.

Hello, Mr. Simmons.

Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you.

How are you? I brought my friend.

This is my... Well, my lover,

my life partner, my everything.

How are you? What's

going on? How we doing?

Well, your immune system is in the

middle of a very serious battle.

The medicine is trying

to combat the disease,

but in the process it

destroys healthy tissue

and disrupts healthy

functioning of your organs

and multiple lymphatic systems,

so you're getting

attacked on two levels.

And we hope the disease is vanquished

before it and the medicine does

damage which cannot be contained.

Okay.

Your accent is very thick.

You ever notice your accent

makes things sound worse than

they... Than they actually are?

You could give good news,

and I'd still be like,

"What happened? Am I still dying?"

I'm just trying to help you.

I know you sound like a

regular Joe where you come from,

but here I keep thinking you're

gonna be torturing James Bond later.

I'm sure your sense of humor will

serve you well in this situation.

There he goes again. All so terrifying

because it came out of your mouth.

You are a very funny man.

Are you mad that you died

at the end of Die Hard?

I don't understand the reference.

He kind of looks like those two

guys in the second Matrix movie.

(CHUCKLES)

I assure you I was not in The Matrix.

Why did you eat Bjorn

Borg? What did he do to you?

If you have no other questions,

I do have other patients.

You have other patients that you have

to frighten by the end of the day?

How many patients do you frighten a day?

And I am slowly getting

a little bit annoyed

by these humorous

activities from you guys.

So, I think you and...

We have discussed this and I am very,

very sympathetic to your recovery,

and I hope we will succeed

with what we are doing.

I've been trying to build this

cabinet I bought from you guys

for, like, six months and I gotta...

IKEA? That's very funny.

Hey. Yo, Teach. Hey.

How's... How was the taping?

Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it.

I think the ending really murdered.

Was it a very special episode?

You remember Daisy, right?

Yeah, of course.

Hey.

MARK:
I'm sorry.

I didn't know you'd

be coming home tonight.

I thought maybe you'd be spending

the night at George's and...

Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh?

(SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool.

Don't give a sh*t. Totally fine.

Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie.

Harry's getting old.

He's, like, older than my dad.

They should call him Harold Potter.

That Hermione's got

some big, old titties.

Whoa!

Did you two just bone? I'm

getting a little vibe here.

This is exciting. Think

I'm getting a quarter chub.

(SlGHS)

Why is lra so upset?

It's been, like, way after 10 days.

He can't call dibs on

every girl he meets.

We were supposed to go

out on a date together.

We are going out on

a date. I thought so.

We're not anymore! No!

Really?

'Cause after you f*** my roommate

that kind of ends it with me!

What are you talking about?

Don't treat me like that.

Just so you know how I'm

seeing you? You're a starfucker.

You're a girl who met a

star and then f***ed him.

And he's not even that famous!

What if like a real good-looking

celebrity was my roommate?

What if I lived with, you know,

James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?

I don't know. I probably would

f*** both of those people.

Don't say that.

I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit.

I can't believe that!

(GROANS)

If a hot girl walked over here, naked,

and was like, "Do my body," you would.

You would have sex with her.

No, I'd feel really uncomfortable.

And then I might ask

her to a Wilco show.

Okay, then you're the first guy in the

world that I've ever met that's like that.

I thought you were the kind of

girl that would wait two months

and then have sex with a guy.

I didn't think you would just...

I'm an independent woman.

I'm allowed to f*** people.

Well, if I had known that, I would

have scheduled our date a lot sooner!

Well, if I had known that, I would

have scheduled our date a lot sooner!

Give me a break. I don't even know you.

This is the longest

conversation we've ever had.

Don't be mad at me. I

said I'd give you 10 days.

I gave you three weeks.

I thought you were joking, man.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

We... We... We want to f***

every girl that we meet.

That's how it works.

If I didn't sleep with every girl

you wished you could sleep with,

I wouldn't sleep with anybody.

It's a communication

breakdown. We can fix this.

I don't care. The fact

that you had sex with her...

I can never do anything

like that with her.

So, you're really not gonna chase

this girl just because I was with her?

Yeah.

Huh.

It's kind of insulting, on some level.

Wanna go to Wilco with me?

I wish I could, but I'm

going with Tobey Maguire.

I might play his little

brother in this movie.

(SlGHS)

I hope I get it.

GEORGE:
Give me something. You didn't

get rid of them. What did you get rid of?

IRA:
Well, l, you know,

I got a few good offers,

but honestly, I don't know how

much each car is worth and l...

They keep on wanting to buy all of them

and it's hard for me to...

Don't make it a big deal.

Don't get a stomach-ache

over it. Just sell them.

Give it to a charity. Move on.

Okay.

I just want to be happy about

giving something away, you know.

Okay.

So...

There's something I've really

been wanting to tell you, George.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

I feel as though you need to tell someone

other than me about your condition.

I don't want to do that.

George, people care about you.

You have to let them be there for you.

I tell somebody, then it's all gonna

change, and you can't get it back.

Everything's already changed, George,

and the truth is soon you're

gonna start getting very sick

and you are gonna want

someone other than me there.

I mean, have you... Have you

even told your parents yet?

My parents are in their mid-70s.

They would drop dead if

they heard about this.

Friends. You must want

to tell your friends.

I don't really have any friends.

I have people I shoot the

sh*t with and f*** around with,

but there's nobody

I'm really close with.

I've got showbiz friends.

Andy Dick isn't a friend.

He's just a guy you know.

You're my closest friend,

and I don't even like you.

(SlGHS)

You have to tell someone

other than me, man.

I can't be the only one who knows.

I've never dealt with

anything like this.

All my grandparents are alive.

Listen, this is not your job

to cry. Your job is to not cry.

I'm just trying to talk

to you man-to-man, George.

As a man, you are crying right now.

I'm not crying.

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