Funny People Page #9

People are gonna think we just

broke up or something, lra.

Stop doing what you're doing.

Okay, I'll stop.

You're causing a scene. You're

making crazy faces now, lra.

Open your eyes. Stop crying.

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

You're making noises now? You

look like the lncredible Hulk.

(SPLUTTERS)

Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp,

you a**hole. I'm sorry.

(SNlFFLES)

God, I'm sorry.

Come on. Wipe it off.

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry, I just don't know.

This is the worst.

Why didn't I just get hit

by a f***ing foul ball?

You ruined The Palm, you f***ing ass.

This could have been

the best meal, ever.

Should I get you ice chips or something?

No, I'm good.

You never had any kids, huh?

No. No. We didn't get to that.

I have three.

I know.

Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy.

How the hell did you have any kids

with all the penises you've blown?

I sucked my own dick and

spit it into their vagina.

I mean, knowing that. Most people

just go through life asleep anyways.

Some of those people don't even

wake up until they get, you know,

the Dr. Death call, you know.

(lN HUSKY VOlCE) "This is Dr.

Death! You're going to die."

(RASPlNG) "Don't be afraid, George.

"It's just Death calling.

Cheer up, motherf***er!"

Yeah. F*** negativity.

F*** it in the ass

with a Chinese monkey!

I wish I wasn't so f***ing

angry with you right now.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry

I wasn't a good brother.

You were a terrible brother.

You just left us and you didn't care.

You didn't give a sh*t about us.

You don't even give

a... You moved to Kansas.

Am I supposed to visit

you in Kansas? Yes.

I thought that's why you moved

there, so you didn't get visitors.

You're so f***ing selfish.

I know.

You've only seen my

son, like, three times.

I send him f***ing DVDs all the time.

He doesn't want your DVDs.

He wants you to be a part of his life.

He wants to be a part of yours.

Wow. This has been great.

I want to call Dad now and

just have more family time.

What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad.

You are right.

You're very, very nice, and

I'm sorry I don't know your son.

I'm sorry I don't know you anymore.

I'm glad you don't know me.

I wish I did.

You'd be let down, believe me.

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

Who's that?

That's the girl I was gonna marry...

(DOORBELL RlNGS)

...but then she smartened up.

So, she's 10 and she's six.

GEORGE:
So cute.

Jeez, she looks like

you, the little one, huh?

Yeah.

What's the matter? Your guy

doesn't have any DNA in him?

That's all Laura.

They fight a lot, but they're cute.

Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here.

I wanted to come. I wanted to see you.

You didn't have to come here.

You didn't have to. I know

it's stressful for you.

I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry about everything I did.

You don't have to be sorry.

That was 1 2 years ago.

Everything worked out for the best.

It's good. Look at your

life. This is great.

Yes. It's the best life.

I hate it. I hate it all.

I haven't been... You don't hate it.

I'm addicted to it, I

guess. I keep doing it.

Hello, Wayne. This is

lra. I'm calling to say

I don't think today is a good day

for you to come by and see George.

Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call

when I know what the schedule looks like.

Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.

You have a family now.

You have a family now.

I'm so happy. You did the

right thing. You moved on.

You got a good life.

And... And I just got

nothing, Laura. I hate that.

I hate that it could

have been me with you.

Don't do that, please?

I'm sorry. I just f***ing...

You... I could have

had those kids with you.

How could you cheat on me? I was so hot.

You were. You were so hot. I don't know.

I was hot!

I don't even know what

the f*** I was doing.

I was just a stupid idiot. I

don't remember anybody else.

What was wrong with you? I

don't remember anybody else.

I only remember you. I don't know.

I don't even know who they

were, who f***ing ruined us.

They're not in my brain, ever.

It's like it didn't happen.

The only thing that happened was us.

And you ran away 'cause you had to.

I had to go.

At the time, I just

couldn't do it anymore.

Yeah. But you know what I realized?

I love my husband,

but it's just not the same.

And I loved you so much and...

I know, I know, I know, I know.

I have the same thing.

I have the same thing.

Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad.

I love you. I love

you. I always loved you.

And the crazy thing is

he cheats on me, too.

I hate...

He's like an Australian you.

I f***ing hate this guy. Is he crazy?

It's just that you were the one.

Just you are... Were... Are the love...

Love of my life. And I just love you.

Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?

You're not sick, are you?

You're just doing that

to get me down here, huh?

(LAUGHS)

There are those hands again.

My big hands.

Always made my penis look small.

(LAUGHlNG)

Thank you, hands, for that complex.

Yes. Jeez.

The two of them together, it

was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay.

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

Yeah.

That was worth it.

We're into overtime

now, just so you know.

(LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick.

I wish that you guys

were really my friends

and I didn't have to

pay you to jam with me.

All right, so let's keep going then.

(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)

(SINGING) All my

little plans and schemes

Lost like some forgotten dream

Seems like all I...

Diego. Yes, George?

The roses look terrific.

Thank you. They sure look beautiful.

Only a guy with a big cock like

you could make roses this beautiful.

Don't need to be alone

No need to be alone

It's real love It's real

Yes, it's real love

You doing stand-up at all?

This is actually the first time

I've left the house in three years.

But I will sometimes, in my house,

in front of my kids,

I'll do five, six minutes.

Not good stuff. It's a lot

of "where you from?" You know.

But, you know, all kidding aside,

I know you're in a terrible situation,

but even with that, you

look so much better than him.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

(SINGING) The Kingdom of

Heaven is, is in your hands

I don't expect for you

to awake from your dreams

We watched your last movie on video.

A man who is funny

doesn't have to work blue.

You don't... You don't have

to do trash to be funny.

I'll tell you who was a great comedian.

Please say me. Who?

Jackie Gleason.

Yeah, of course.

You like him 'cause you

look like Art Carney.

(ALL LAUGH)

Gleason was terrific.

And you ain't so bad.

All right. Thank you, Pop. I know.

(SINGING) It's real

It's real love, oh, yeah

(lNAUDlBLE)

It's real love, yeah

It's real love It's real

I think I played it all wrong, lra.

(SlGHS)

I played it all wrong.

Okay. He's here. We saw each

other. Let me answer it. Mark.

Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man.

Move, b*tch!

Hey, George Simmons. Hey.

Hey, what's up?

Happy Thanksgiving. Hey!

Mark. Leo is the name I got.

How are you? Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...!

That's right! Yeah, right.

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