Funny People Page #10

Oh, boy.

That movie's the best 'cause

you're a man then you're a baby

and then you learn to be a

man once you be... You need...

It takes becoming a baby to

learn how to become a man.

Yeah. Can we get you

a drink or some food?

No, no, no. Let me just walk

around and go through your sh*t.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, I'm Bo.

What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so...

Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.

GEORGE:
I've seen your act a lot.

Really? Where?

Schmira, he has that... What's that,

the YouTubey thing that, that...

DAlSY:
The YouTube. GEORGE: Yeah.

George and Daisy are here?

How the hell did that happen?

I didn't think George would

come, and who invited Daisy?

I invited her.

Are you still sleeping with Daisy?

No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!

I have a new girlfriend now. I'm

dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt.

Her name's Carla something.

Can I sit next to George at dinner?

Sit wherever the hell

you want to sit, man, why?

I feel like if I can just

make George crack up once,

it'll do huge things for me, like...

What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving?

I didn't write jokes.

I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes

and punched them up here and there.

Okay, I can't hide in the

kitchen all afternoon. I'm going.

My man. The Schmira.

Thanks for coming, man.

This is the best. Where's your bedroom?

Well, get ready for a hike,

'cause you're standing in it.

No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame.

Did you go to that Wilco show?

Yeah, did you?

(LAUGHS) No, actually, I

didn't. I scalped the tickets.

I made 100 bucks profit, so...

Oh. So, you owe me 50.

Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay?

Money order.

Money order? That'll work. Yeah.

PayPal? Are you on

PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up.

Look at that, back and

forth, like a cute couple.

You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo.

You know, we actually had a date,

but then I had sex with that guy,

so Schmira broke it off.

GEORGE:
You kidding me?

Don't worry, lra. You know you're a

better lover than Pete Rose over there.

Look at him. He's got

the length and the width.

Imagine that dong of his.

I saw the tip of it one time.

Even that was too big for me.

No, it's very normal. Yeah.

So, you like big penises?

Well, you know, I have a

really skinny vagina, so...

If it's skinny, you should

try feeding it carbs.

(LAUGHlNG)

Yeah. All right, well,

jeez, you know what?

I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh?

Yeah, okay.

I'm falling in love

with the both of you.

Let the awkwardness begin!

MAN:
Love your work.

GEORGE:
Yeah? Thank you

for shopping at Ralphs.

I'm sorry. I owe you an apology.

It's really weird what I did.

I basically yelled at you for cheating on me

before we had even had a real conversation.

So, I'm aware of that. I know

that's weird, and I'm sorry.

Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk

and having sex with the

guy from Yo Teach...! So...

It's okay. When I first moved

here, I blew Mr. Belvedere.

(LAUGHS) So, everyone does that.

He's walking. George is walking to us.

Hello, ladies.

So, Leo? What's the excuse

for not writing me jokes?

What? You could have made money.

I told both you guys to write jokes

for me, and you decided not to.

What, did you have to go

to LensCrafters that day?

I was just joking. I like your glasses.

He wanted both of us to write jokes

for him, and you didn't tell me?

I apologize. It's not worth,

like, losing your sh*t over, man.

What, you don't think I like money?

You don't think I like private jets?

You don't think I want a cool

job writing for George Simmons?

I just think you're doing well.

You know, you're getting gigs

at the lmprov all the time.

You're gonna have

people writing for you.

You don't need to be writing

for other people, you know.

I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just...

I wanted something for

myself and I just, you know...

It's just, you know, f*** you, lra!

Just 'cause you go

into faggy-apology mode

doesn't mean I'm gonna

forgive you right away!

F*** you, man. Look, I did the exact same

thing you've been doing this whole time.

You're being competitive.

You do that all the time.

I'm doing it now, okay?

I didn't make it

competitive! Yes, you did.

Have you ever had to work for money? No.

You didn't work at a coal mine, lra!

You worked at a deli!

Stop crying about it!

I was only supposed to be on that

pull-out couch for six months!

And we were supposed to

trade! And we never did!

Yeah, we never did

switch after six months.

Yeah. Exactly.

You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, lra!

You don't pay rent.

Your parents pay rent!

Why don't they move in? It's your fault.

Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, lndians,

can we please stop fighting?

It's Thanksgiving. We have

guests inside. Please stop.

I'm not fighting anymore.

I'm done fighting.

Thank you. LEO:
You

called Daisy a starfucker?

Why don't you go cup

George Simmons' balls

while you talk him to

sleep every night, lra?

Leo.

Sorry.

I would let you do that, too.

My balls are for everybody.

Okay. It's starting to feel

like Thanksgiving around here.

Let's eat some food.

I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man.

What?

So, does anybody want

to say grace or anything?

Leo's a good writer, apparently.

Come on, get up there.

Yeah, Leo.

MAN:
Leo! Do it, Leo.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

All right, let me go. I'll do it for us.

Let me get it done.

Okay, so first let's give thanks

to our families not being here.

(ALL AGREElNG)

It's always easier, always

easier without the family.

It's funny, I see you guys and you

are just so much younger than me.

And I had no idea I was the old

guy until I looked at you guys.

It was like when I was

growing up, I had a big nose.

I had no idea until I went to the

Gap and saw a three-way mirror,

and I was like, "Wow, I

didn't know I had that thing."

(ALL LAUGH)

Yeah. No, it's a...

It's good to be young.

It kind of sucks being

old, so just enjoy this.

Enjoy time. Time slips

away, I promise you.

I had a dinner like this 20 years ago

with guys that we just, like,

lost touch with each other.

I never talk to them anymore.

Some of them are dead.

So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away.

If you love somebody,

don't let them slip away.

I swear to you,

this will be your most

memorable Thanksgiving,

the one that you'll want the rest

of your life, the one that you say,

"Man, it was never as

good as that night."

So, let this night be great.

Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Rock 'n' roll!

Jesus, every time I'm near you

I feel like f***ing Danny DeVito.

Everybody feels like Danny DeVito

when, you know, they walk by me.

Yeah. You're a giant.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

Um...

I don't want to get your hopes up.

Mmm-hmm.

We put you on this experimental

medication without much optimism.

About 8% of all the people that we put

on this medication get positive results.

Mmm-hmm.

You actually belong to these 8%.

I looked through your blood work,

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