Funny People Page #11

and I couldn't find any

traces of the disease.

I don't want to speak too soon,

but we may have beaten this thing.

Are you f***ing with me

'cause I f***ed with you?

So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, this is, this

is... This is good news.

Like my accent now?

Now I like your accent, yeah.

I was excited all morning

to tell you this news.

So, what happens now? What

do l... What do I do now?

Maybe you can make another funny

movie that I could laugh about.

Yeah. Wow. I wasn't

expecting this to really work.

I was getting used to being sick.

I was actually thinking

I was pretty good at that.

Get back to your life.

(PHONE RINGING)

IRA:
Hey, this is Ira. I'm

not in. Leave a message.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(SlNGSONGY) lra, I have a secret

to tell you. It will make you happy.

Hi. Bonita?

George.

I was sick, you know that. And

I just went to the doctor's.

He said I'm not sick anymore.

Oh, congratulations.

I found the pants you're looking

for. They are in the closet.

Thank you.

Bye, George.

George! Is it true?

It's true. Yes!

It's all right. All

right, go ahead. Yeah!

All right.

(LAUGHlNG) Oh, God! Yeah!

All right, baby.

All right, all right. Now

what the f*** do we do?

Hey, congratulations,

George. That's awesome, man.

Thank you. You got cured of AlDS.

(LAUGHS) I didn't have AlDS.

Hey, let me get you a cocktail.

Hey, not an AlDS cocktail. A regular.

No, I don't want a drink. I'm good.

I'm gonna get one of them ribbons.

You're alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man.

You got the women, you got the

fame, and you can't f***ing die!

Did you suck the devil's

dick? What is it, man?

I wanna know the secret.

I actually told a bunch

of people we did have sex,

so if you could go along with that.

You did? Yes.

Everybody wants to f*** me,

but it's better that I don't

because you don't want...

The mystery is definitely

more flattering...

Yeah?

...and the reality

is so, like, flobbety.

Like not the word, but...

Floppety? Yeah, lippety.

Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich.

Like a... There's, like, meat coming.

(CHUCKLlNG)

That would have been... I could get...

(EXCLAlMlNG) Look at that!

"Yippee-ki-yay,

motherf***er!"

Sh*t! Sh*t! I didn't know you

had energy like that. Jesus...

How did he... Like, how

did he know he had it?

He was saying... He said that he was, like,

dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor,

and then he just got...

It was in his blood work.

That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired.

Really?

Anybody... Anybody gets sick,

I think I'm going to get it.

Now, is it contagious?

It's not contagious?

No. Can you get it, like...

I hope not. I don't think so. I've

been around him a lot. I feel...

I feel... I hope not, too, because

when you were talking, a little

bit of your spit hit my lip, so...

It did? Yeah. Not that you got it,

but he spits on your lip, you

spit on mine, next thing you know

I'm dead and my wife's

f***ing George Lopez.

But I think the best thing

for you would be, you know...

The best cure, besides the real cure,

is to get back to work

and do what you do.

There are stacks of

offers on my desk for you.

I mean, you can't swing a dead cat

without hitting an offer for you.

Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this?

Paul Rudd wants to do

a bromance with you.

I think I might... I just might

even not work for a little while.

I was thinking maybe just,

like, taking time off,

try to get myself in a

relationship with, like,

another human being, a normal one.

Just see if I can handle that.

Funny you should say that.

I've... 'Cause I invited someone.

Brought... Invited this woman here

today that I think you'd really like.

I think you'd really

hit it off with her.

She's... She's great.

She's something new for you.

A real person. She's not a waitress.

She's not an actress.

All right, thanks.

You know, the lnternet dating thing

actually... Actually kind of works.

That's good.

I've actually been

on a couple of JDates.

No way. What's that?

Yeah... What's a JDate?

What, is that an lnternet

thing I should know about?

I'm not... I don't do that sh*t.

It's a website where Jewish

people can find each other.

Really? A whole list

of Jewish people? Yeah.

I didn't think Jewish

people liked to be on lists.

Because of the Holocaust.

Wow.

How's this going, by the way?

It's been great to meet you.

You know what? I think you f***ed up.

How's that?

I think you f***ed up. I think...

(SlGHS)

I don't think you should

have took that medicine.

Why not?

I don't know. Personally, I think

you should have just let yourself die.

Honestly, man, what are...

What are you gonna do now?

Make another bullshit movie?

F*** another chick who doesn't like you?

You know? That was your

way out right there.

Hmm. Now you're f***ing stuck.

Yeah.

You're stuck just like me.

Can't go to f***ing Chuck E. Cheese.

I can't go to Target,

I can't go to Best Buy.

I can't go to f***ing Wal-Mart, Kmart.

You f***ing name it, I can't go there.

Yeah, that's true.

Everyone in this f***ing

room is either staring at us,

wanting to take a

f***ing picture. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Got it.

E-mail that to me.

I will. That's awesome. Yeah.

Who the f*** is that guy right

there? That f***ing guy right there.

What? Ray Romano's bothering you?

Who? Ray, Ray who?

Ray Romano, the guy from

Everybody Loves Raymond.

I don't give a f*** what show he's on.

I'll f*** this motherf***er up, man!

Hey. Hey, Ray!

Hello, Marshall.

F***ing problem here, buddy?

Would you like to f***

me? Is that what this is?

I don't get it, man. What's going on?

Would you like me to f***ing

bend over for you right now?

(WHlSPERlNG) Say no. No, man.

(EXHALES)

I just gotta always be on my toes, man.

You know?

(SCOFFS) I see that,

but not with Ray Romano.

This is why I don't go out of the house.

I thought everybody loved you.

So, now that you got this, this second

chance, man, like, what do you want?

I kind of don't want anything.

So, then what are we celebrating?

Clarke?

(IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke.

It's Clarke and l... I'm

calling to check on you, matey.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

I'm back from the sea. It's

fun to play with my didjeridu!

(lMlTATlNG PlRATE) You sound

a little bit like a pirate.

Do I sound Australian? Is

this what Clarke sounds like?

That's a terrible Australian accent.

What are you doing, Laura?

Am I bothering you? Is he

there? No, no, no, no, no.

Am I supposed to hang

up? What's going on?

Clarke's away for business in China.

Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again?

Are you guys all right? What's going on?

Mable has her recital tomorrow.

She's singing Memory from Cats.

Oh, yeah?

You know that song, Memory?

Yeah. I wish I could

be there to see that.

You can come.

I can come? All right, I'm coming.

Your daughter will be

all right with that?

That I'm sitting right next

to you holding you tight?

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