Funny People Page #12

Stop. How are you feeling?

I'm doing good. I'm doing...

It is what it is. I...

So, what happened with your tests?

Laura, let's not talk about all that.

What did the doctor say?

The Swedish Nazi? He

never has good news.

It is what it is. I don't

want to talk about it.

Come on, let's just talk about you.

What are you doing, Laura?

Do you want me to talk you to sleep?

Oh, my God. You remember.

You want me to do that for you?

You will talk to me while

I try to go to sleep?

I'll put you on speakerphone. That

will be the best night of my life.

Let's not go to sleep yet,

though, please. Just talk to Laura.

IRA:
Hello?

Hi, lra.

Hey, how's it going?

Ira, you're my best friend.

(LAUGHS) I like you, too.

You're my best friend.

You sound like you're

in a good mood, man.

(lMlTATlNG PlRATE) I'm in a great

mood because we're setting sail today.

We're gonna do a gig together!

Ira and Georgie, finally on the road!

Oh, we're setting sail, are

we? Where, where are we going?

We're going to the Port of San

Francisco. We set sail on the morrow.

How much time am I supposed to do?

Oh, they've booked you to do a minute

for every inch of cock you have.

You'll be doing two and

a half to four minutes,

depending on your mood, little Ira.

I was invited to a... Or I

was able to go to a fundraiser

for Barack Obama, when he

was running for president.

And you could walk right

up to him and I did.

And I prepared a smart

question and I was like,

"Senator Obama, when you were a student

in Boston, did you encounter any racism?"

And he said something really,

really interesting. He said...

He said, "I'm Kanye West. "

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

George, you have a visitor.

GEORGE:
Oh.

Hi. Whoa!

LAURA:
Hello. Wow.

Hey, hi! Hey!

All right. How are you?

LAURA:
I'm good.

I'm so psyched you came.

Wow, you look amazing! Thank you.

Beautiful. I think I overdressed.

No way. You look incredible.

I just...

Where... Where is he?

Where is the Clarke?

The Clarke? He's out of town. I was

gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,

but her son started throwing up, so...

The husband's out of town,

baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll.

(LAUGHlNG) I like it. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, I don't want to keep you

or get in the way.

No, don't run away.

Come on, lra, say hello.

Hey, lra.

Hey, how's it going?

So, I'll let you go. I

just wanted to say hi.

No cursing. Don't curse so much.

Okay, all right! Nothing

dirty. I don't know how.

You just cut my set in half, but

that's fine. All right, see you, kid.

Okay, good luck.

Thanks for coming.

You gotta tell her I'm better

at intermission, all right?

You haven't told her that you're better?

No, I'm not good at stuff like that.

Just... She'll be cool

with it. She'll be...

You're giving her good

news, she'll be happy.

We're gonna go by her

house tomorrow, too.

(SlGHS)

Yeah, we're just visiting

her. I just want to say hi,

see how she's doing, where

she lives, that kind of thing.

Why did you guys break

up in the first place?

I cheated on her.

Why would you cheat on her?

It's easy not to cheat when no one

wants to f*** you, you judgmental prick.

Okay.

I have a theory that Tom Cruise,

David Beckham and Will Smith

have mooshed the heads

of their penises together.

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

I think that this has happened.

I don't think it happened in a gay way.

I think it just happened out of boredom.

I think just rich-dude boredom.

Just like, "What have we not

done, guys? We've done everything!"

"I'll tell you one

thing we haven't done. "

And I bet when it happened, it was

an epic occurrence. It was huge.

I think of it all the time.

I think first, you know, David

and Tom touched dick heads.

And it was easy, just zoonk. Because

there was a magnetic field to it.

And then Will Smith started

approaching with his dick

and, like, wind started

blowing in his face,

and paper started flying everywhere

and he just couldn't do it.

And they're like, "Come

on, Will, get it in there!"

"I can't do it!"

Beckham yells,

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the

streams! It's like Ghost Busters!"

And then he does it and

Flash by Queen starts playing.

It's just, Flash! Ahhh!

Light shoots into the sky! That's

how stars are born, I think.

Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good

night. Thank you, all, very much.

IRA:
Hey. How's it going?

That was so good!

You seem so surprised.

Well, you looked so nervous before.

I was, actually.

That was good. That was really good.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

And the ball cleavage

thing, that was hilarious.

Classic stuff. Thank you.

Glad you're having fun.

George says that he's known

you for a while. How did...

Yeah. How did you guys first hook up?

I was the hat-check girl at

the lmprov and I was an actress.

So, you kind of... Yeah, yeah.

That's good. What, were you

in anything I might've seen?

I did those, like,

Melrose Place and 90210.

Awesome.

I always played the b*tch.

I wasn't that good, actually.

No, you must be a great actress,

'cause you're not at all bitchy, so...

(LAUGHS)

Thanks, lra.

Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly,

I'm not supposed to be telling you

what I'm about to tell you because

George... He doesn't want to jinx it.

It's not 100%, but the last

time that he went to the doctor,

they couldn't find any trace of the

disease in his blood work anymore,

so it seems like he might be better.

What are you talking about?

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...

We think he might be okay.

...George Simmons!

(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

It's great to be here.

It's great. It's great to be alive!

Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay.

MAN:
Thank you for coming, George!

Thank you. All right.

That's very nice. Man, oh, man.

Any other 40-year-olds out

there tonight? In their 40s?

It's funny. In your 20s you're like,

"F*** you, man. F*** that sh*t.

"F*** my parents. I don't

need none of that sh*t. "

In your 30s you're like,

"F*** the President.

"F*** that guy, that f***ing a**hole. "

In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry.

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

"What do we have in the fridge?"

So, yeah, I'm f***ing famous

and rich, and it's crazy.

It's... You know why?

'Cause I hate rich people.

F***ing I'm rich and I hate rich people.

I hate everything I f***ing do now.

I go to Hawaii, I'm like,

"You f***ing snotty

cocksucker, going to Hawaii. "

Buy a new car, "La-di-da,

look who's got a new car. "

You know, I thought about giving

all my money, just giving it away,

but then I was like, "What

a rich-guy thing to do.

"Mr. Charitable. "

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Well, why didn't you

tell me? I was just here.

Laura, if I told you, you might not

have talked to me anymore, so l...

What are you talking

about? That's ridiculous.

I knew you forgave me because I was sick

and there was no other

way you would forgive me.

I know, but it's different now.

We've been talking...

What are you... No!

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