Gentleman Broncos Page #2

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Here is a detail of the ruptured moon crust

'"Must rupture the moon crust, '"

she's thinking

This is a piece that came to me in a dream

when I was 11

I call it Migration,

and it depicts a fleet of harpies

synchronizing their mammary cannons

to create laser-rain

A hard rain's gonna fall

And finally we have a youngling

trying to penetrate

the secrets of the human mind

You won't do it like that, youngling

You must use friendship

Thank you

For the first time ever,

it is my privilege to announce

Prism Publishing will be hosting a contest

for the best work submitted at this festival

It will be judged by a panel

of industry professionals,

including myself,

and the winner will receive

a 1,000-copy release of their work

at selected bookstores nationwide

In addition, I will personally

create an original piece of cover art

to accompany the winning story

May the glistening chrome of

the Borg Queen shed her light upon us all

Amen

I'm assuming that most of you are here

for two main reasons.

Alpha, you love to write fantasy fiction,

and beta, the character names

in your stories are suffering.

We're going to begin with a little game

which will demonstrate a theory of mine

known as "The Power of the Suffix."

You. Give me the name

of one of the protagonists in your fantasies.

Nebuchadnezzar.

Oh, boy.

Very original.

I've heard that one before.

But don't worry, need thou not be afraid,

for we can turn a humdrum,

forgettable name like Nebuchadnezzar

into something magical like this...

Nebucoronius.

And it's that easy.

We can add "onius," "ainous," or "anous"

to just about anything,

and it becomes magical.

You. Give me the name

of one of your central protags.

Bronco.

What is he, a centaur?

No.

Does he shape-shift into equine form ever?

No, he's just a man.

Well, then, I would...

I would lose the "C" immediately,

and I'd replace it with an "L." Bronlonius.

And if he's part of a traveling clan,

his clansfellow could call him

Bronlo for short,

except on formal occasions.

Yes?

What about names found in troll colonies?

In troll colonies,

well, that's a different matter.

Give me an example.

One of my trolls is named Teacup.

I don't like it.

I would go with Trojainous every time.

Yes?

But I still like the name Teacup better.

It's not a...

It's not a question of liking it better,

it's just I'm, as an author,

picturing myself as a troll mother.

I have just given birth

to a litter of troll cubs.

They're covered in placentae,

pawing at my many teats

for the vital, life-giving colostrum.

I'm not thinking, "Hmm, Teacup," am I?

It's just not believable.

And if I don't believe it,

the reader doesn't believe it.

Trojainous. Troka Kahn. Trody.

Names in this vein.

If female, Trojana.

Yes?

I thought trolls were supposed

to be named after resources, like trees.

Are you telling me

what trolls are named after?

You do realize I am the author of Troll, Ho

Because it all boils down to species.

Are they tree-dwellers,

bridge-dwellers, subterranean?

A troll wouldn't come up

with a name like Teacup, a little girl would.

Trojainous.

How was the workshop?

I don't know.

Chevalier seems kind of full of himself.

He's kind of lame.

Really? I think he's gorgeous.

He's not gonna like my story,

the names are all wrong.

Oh, I don't think so.

What do you mean?

Well, I thought your story was really good.

Really?

I thought you didn't like it.

Last night you seemed offended.

No. I... I actually thought

it was kind of amazing.

What inspired it?

Some weird surgery you had?

I wanted to write a story for my dad.

He kind of died when I was young.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

He was real brave.

He was a game warden, an explorer.

I see. So Bronco is kind of like your dad,

and his gonads are his seed,

which means the gonads are you.

That's why they're so precious.

Well, you know, like all great writers,

you're gonna have to go through

a lot of crap,

but someday your junk will be seen by all,

and it will be awesome.

I truly believe that.

Thanks, Tabatha.

Chevalier.

Ronald, how's

the conference going Any contenders?

Well, let me read you a passage

from what I'm reading right now.

"Pierre used to be a jockey in college.

"He loves to have rice pudding with his tea.

"He loves solving animal murders.

"Pierre has two horses,

Jacques and Paris France, both girls.

"He rides Paris France

on the brick roads in London,

"looking for mysterious things.

"He rides Jacques for pleasure."

Merve, never make me do

another one of these things again.

These kids are a joke.

Ronald, as your publisher,

it's not a bad idea to get in touch

with your audience once in a while

All right.

Listen, Merve, did you have a chance

to look at the Sandcastle Diaries yet?

Ronald, I'll cut to the chase It's horrible

We can't publish it It won't sell

Unless you can give us something

worth taking to print,

we're just gonna have to let you go

Merve, Merve, wait.

Moon Fetus

A fetus is found on a moon base.

That's the premise.

I'll talk to you later

Bronco cried out in pain

as he sat on the shore of Goose Lake,

trying to sew his junk back on

- Excuse me.

- What?

Is this your pudding?

What do you want?

Hey!

That was my backup nad.

I'm sorry.

Was it a fancy pudding?

I know who you are.

Say what?

Our fathers fought valiantly

and were victorious in the Battle of Shiroh.

I was but a child then,

maybe you don't remember.

When your father died

at the hands of Daysius,

your mother wept so hard

that her milk dried.

To keep you alive,

we shared suckle at my mother's breast.

Vanaya?

- It is I.

- I don't believe that.

My family is dead.

My brother and I have been forced

to work in the yeast factories

ever since the epidemic.

- You have a brother?

- Yes.

His name is Kanaya.

He doesn't speak.

But he's very handy

with powders and gizmos and such.

He can build anything.

What y'all... What y'all want from me?

Let us come with you.

Together, we can destroy

Lord Daysius once and for all.

We shall begin a new yeast colony,

just like when we were children.

Well, that's my dream,

but there's only one problem.

They got my reproductives, Vanaya.

Daysius is gonna build himself an army

using my seed.

I can't let that happen.

His power's become unruly.

You know how weird that'd be,

a bunch of gorgeous yeast lords

with my face, running around,

making dang fools of themselves?

I'm sorry, Vanaya, I have to do this alone.

You and Kanaya would just be dead weight,

big time.

Gotta cut bait on this deal.

Krolaxx, come on. Come on, Krolaxx.

We know where

Daysius is hiding your yeast, Bronco.

Yeah, right.

I can smell a cache

of yeast cakes 40 mile off.

It's being held in

a mountain fortress just north of here.

I can show you.

Kanaya and I just escaped

from the yeast factory there.

If you don't believe me, smell my breath.

Tastes like homemade licorice.

Take me there.

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