George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #2

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for the same reason.

As far as I'm concerned

all of this

airport security,

all the searches,

the screenings,

the cameras, the questions

it's just one more way

of reducing your liberty

and reminding you

that they can f*** with

you anytime they want

as long as you

put up with it.

As long as you

put up with it,

which means of course

anytime they want

cause that's what

Americans do now.

Their always willing

to trade away

a little of their freedom

in exchange for

the feeling,

the illusion of security.

What we have now

is a completely

neurotic population

obsessed with

security and safety

and crime and drugs

and cleanliness

and hygiene and germs.

There's another

thing, germs.

Where did this

sudden fear of germs

come from in this country?

Had you noticed this,

the media constantly

running stories

about all the

latest infections,

salmonella, ecoli,

hanka virus, bird flu

and Americans

panic easily

so now everybody's

running around

scrubbing this

and spraying that

and overcooking

their food

and repeatedly

washing their hands

trying to avoid all

contact with germs.

It's ridiculous

and it goes to

ridiculous lengths.

In prisons

before they give you

a lethal injection

they swab your

arm with alcohol.

It's true.

It's true.

It's true.

Well they don't want

you to get an infection

and you can see

their point.

Wouldn't want some

guy to go to hell

and be sick.

Would take a lot of

the sportsmanship

out of the whole

execution.

Fear of, germs why

these f***ing pussies.

You can't even get a

decent hamburger anymore.

They kick the sh*t

out of everything now

cause everybody's afraid

of food poisoning.

Hey where's your

sense of adventure?

Take a f***ing

chance will ya?

Do you know how

many people

die in this country from

food poisoning every year?

Nine thousand,

that's all,

it's a minor risk.

Take a f***ing chance

bunch Goddamn pussies.

Besides what do you think

you have an

immune system for?

It's for killing germs

but it needs practice.

It needs germs

to practice on

so... so listen.

So listen.

If you kill all the

germs around you

and live a completely

sterile life

then when germs

do come along

you're not going

to be prepared.

And never mind

ordinary germs

what are you going to do

when some super

virus comes along

that turns your

vital organs

into liquid sh*t?

I'll tell you what

you're going to do,

you're going to sick,

you're going to die

and you're going

to deserve it

cause you're

f***ing weak

and you got a f***ing

weak immune system.

Now.

Goddamn it.

Hey.

All right.

Let me you tell

you a true story

about immunization okay?

When I was a little

boy in New York City

in the 1940's we swam

in the Hudson River

and it was filled

with raw sewage okay?

We swam in raw

sewage you know,

to cool off

and at that time the

big fear was polio.

Thousands of kids died

from polio every year

but you know something?

In my neighborhood no

one ever got polio,

no one, ever.

You know why?

Cause we swam

in raw sewage.

It strengthened

our immune systems.

The polio never

had a prayer.

We were tempered

in raw sh*t.

So... so personally

I never take

any special precautions

against germs.

I don't shy

away from people

who sneeze and cough.

I don't wipe off

the telephone.

I don't cover

the toilet seat

and if I drop

food on the floor

I pick it

up and eat it.

I eat it.

Yes I do.

Even if I'm at

a sidewalk caf

in Calcutta,

the poor section

on New Years morning

during a soccer riot.

And you know something

in spite of all that

so called risky behavior

I never get infections.

I don't get them.

I don't get colds.

I don't get flu.

I don't get headaches.

I don't get upset stomach.

And you know why?

Cause I got a good

strong immune system

and it gets a

lot of practice.

My immune system

is equipped

with the biologically

equivalent

of fully automatic

military assault rifles

with night vision

and laser scopes

and we have

recently acquired

phosphorus grenades,

cluster bombs

and anti-personnel

fragmentation mines.

So when my white blood

cells are on patrol

Keeping order in

my bloodstream

seeking out strangers

and other undesirables,

if they see any,

any suspicious looking

germs of any kind

they don't f*** around.

They whip out the weapons,

they wax the motherf***er

and deposit the

unlucky fellow

directly into my colon.

Into my colon,

there's no nonsense.

There's no

Miranda warning.

There's none of that

three strikes and

your out sh*t.

First offense bam

into the colon you go.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, and speaking

of my colon

I want you to know

I don't automatically

wash my hands

every time I go to

the bathroom okay?

Can you deal with that?

Sometimes I do,

sometimes I don't.

You know when

I was my hands?

When I sh*t on them.

That's the only time.

That's the only...

and you know how

often that happens?

Tops... tops two, three

times a week, tops.

Tops.

Maybe a little

more frequently

over the holidays,

you know what I mean?

And I'll tell you

something else

my well-scrubbed

friends.

You don't always need

a shower everyday.

Did you know that?

It's overkill.

Unless you work out

or work outdoors

or for some reason come

in intimate contact

with huge

amounts of filth

and garbage everyday

you don't always

need a shower.

All you really need to do

is to wash the

four key areas,

armpits, a**hole,

crotch and teeth.

Got that?

Armpits, a**hole,

crotch and teeth.

In fact you can

save yourself

a whole lot of time

if you simply use

the same brush

on all four areas.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate

it. Thank you.

All right.

Listen I got a

few more items

of things that are

pissing me off

and this one comes in

the form of a question.

Haven't we had

about enough

of this cigar smoking

sh*t in this country?

Huh?

Huh?

When is this going to end?

When is this sh*t

going to go away?

When are these fat,

arrogant, overpaid,

overfed, over privileged,

over indulged,

white collar,

business criminal,

a**hole, cocksuckers

going to put

out their cigars

and move along to their

next abomination?

White p*ssy businessmen

sucking on a

big brown dick.

That's all it is.

That's all it is.

Yeah.

A big brown dick.

Sigmund Freud said,

"Sometimes a cigar

is just a cigar."

Oh yeah, well sometimes

it's a big brown dick...

with a fat, arrogant,

white-collar

business

criminal, a**hole

sucking on the

wet end of it.

But hey, the news is

not all bad for me,

not all bad,

you want to know

the good part?

Cancer of the mouth.

Good.

F*** 'em.

Makes me happy.

It's an attractive

disease,

goes nice with

a cell phone.

So light up.

Suspend a man and

suck that smoke

deep down into

your empty suit

and blow it

out your ass

you f***ing cocksucker.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey,

here's another question

I've been pondering.

What is all this

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