Get Real

---

[Birds Twittering]

[Man Narrating] I came late to sex.

I was nearly ten.

That was when my friend Mark Watkins

told me how babies were made.

Really?

Are you sure?

Yeah. Honest.

Saw it in one of my daddy's videos.

[Man Narrating] For over a year after

that, I thought babies were made

when two women tied a man to a bed

and covered his willy with ice cream.

But it's

your favourite flavour.

Na na!

[Man Narrating] At secondary

school, we were given the facts.

[Documentary Narrator]

It's impossible for a male to mate--

unless the female is willing to

place herself correctly for him.

She then lies with her hind legs

spread out, her back arched inwards--

and the formerly aggressive

spines laid flat.

The male seizes her

by the scruff of the neck--

and mating takes place.

Mating lasts only a minute or two,

and the pair separates.

The male plays no further part

in bringing up the family.

Indeed, the two animals

will probably never meet again.

[Man Narrating]

So, that was sex.

Simple, really.

Just find someone to do it with,

find somewhere to do it,

and do it.

- [Brakes Screeching]

- [Horn Honking]

Thing is,

when you are my age,

it just isn't that simple.

And as for

falling in love

well, nothing

prepares you for that.

Anything interesting?

Oh. Not really.

Romeo and Juliet

by William Shakespeare.

It's really, you know,

boring.

He speaks very

highly of you.

- You doing your homework?

- Trying to.

You might find it easier with the book

turned the right way up.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

- What do you do?

- I'm a writer.

Wow. A writer.

I've thought about,

you know, writing and stuff.

I'm not really sure. I-I've entered

a competition in the local paper.

You have to write about what it's like

growing up as we approach--

the new millennium.

- And, uh, what is it like--

- Oh, you know.

Could be better.

No.

I guess it's hard

for any sixteen-year-old,

- but when you're... You know?

- I know.

[Chuckles]

- You're lovely.

- Well, you're not so bad yourself.

- Tart.

- Jealous.

Oh, Linda, he's stunning.

He's got eyes like Brad Pitt.

- Tart.

- He's witty and gorgeous.

- Dangerous.

- Lins, you know I'm always safe.

Safe-- What's safe about

picking up men in toilets--

You promised me you wouldn't

do it anymore.

I don't! I was just sitting outside

minding my own business, and--

Steve, babe,

don't bullshit me.

Some git starts blagging you outside the

public bog, he's only up for one thing.

Well, where else am I supposed to meet

other blokes like me--

And he's not some randy old git.

His name's Glen.

He's up for the same thing I am. We're

going to the woods again on Friday.

The woods-- Steve, you did it

in the woods-- You could have been--

- Queer-bashed by squirrels--

- He could have done anything to you.

Or you could have been arrested.

It's so risky.

Life's a risk, Lins.

Linda, Mum says if you don't come in for

Your tea now, she'll give it to the dog.

- Okay, okay.

- You haven't got a dog.

Well, we'll get one.

He's never gonna

let you drive it.

That's not what he said

he was doing.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- You're late again.

- Yeah. Just doing some research--

for the newspaper

competition.

Special study groups

proving useful then--

- Great.

- How's the article going--

Oh--uh--not bad.

Should meet the deadline.

Oh.

Deadlines.

That's very-- professional, isn't it--

Well, he won't meet any deadlines

sitting in the park.

Sorry--

Mrs. Gillingham said

she saw you sitting in the park.

Oh, yeah.

I, uh--

I had a bit of a block,

so I went there to unblock.

Steven, you are going to

finish this article, aren't you--

Of course I am.

Because if this is just

another of your fads,

then you might as well

use the study time for your schoolwork.

Hmm--

Oh!

-- I'm staying out

for the summer --

- -- Playing games in the rain --

- [School Bell Rings]

-- The guilt and the fortune --

-- Got me fooled again --

-- See, I work in a factory --

-- I don't want to be late --

-- I got my debts to pay for --

-- Gonna have to wait --

[Chuckles]

-- If I ever see you again --

- --I will tell you why --

- -- Tell you why --

-- I was low and insecure --

-- Didn't want to make you cry --

[Girl] Come, gentle night.

Come, loving black-browed night.

- Give me my Romeo. And when I die,

- [Door Opening]

- Sorry, sir.

- Ah, Steven.

What is it today--

Earthquake--

Bus hijacked

by terrorists--

Or were you confined

to your house by the plague--

- [Students Chuckling]

- Sir--

Romeo and Juliet, Steven.

By William Shakespeare--

Okay, sit down. Oh, have you

finished that essay yet--

- Uh-- - Steve. If it's not done by tomorrow,

I'll have to suggest

to your parents that you join--

the special study periods

after school.

Carry on, Wendy.

Take him and cut him out

in little stars,

and he will make

the face of heaven so fine--

- that all will be in love with night.--

- [Whispering] Mark.

- [Continues Reading]

- Can I borrow your essay--

So tedious is this day as is

the night before some festival--

to an impatient child that hath

new robes and may not wear them.--

I'm just saying people sometimes

go through a phase.

- A phase-- Since I was eleven--

- Eleven--

That's how old I was

when I discovered masturbation.

[Chuckles] Mind you it was

another three years--

before I realized I could

do it on my own.

Stop trying to shock me.

I'm unshockable.

Stick to your own balls.

You haven't told those wankers

you're gay, have you--

Oh, yeah, I announced it

at assembly this morning.

I told you,

no one knows.

Geez, if they thought

I really was gay--

F*** me around enough because

I don't smoke or play football--

and I've got an I.Q

of over 25.

School full of tossers.

Oh, yeah.

Bet you fancy half ofem.

No way.

Not even him--

John Dixon.

He is sex on legs.

I know. Every time I see

his head boy--badge--

I wish it was

an invitation.

Sure wouldn't kick him out of bed

for eating biscuits.

- Great poster.

- Yeah, but no one's gonna see it here.

Well, why don't you take down

all this artwork--

It's been here

for centuries.

You can create

your own notice board.

Should we ask

the teacher first--

Probably.

[Indistinct]

- Are you sure this'll be okay--

- Oh, it's fine.

Look, if it makes you feel easier,

I'll mention it to the Head later.

-Thanks.

-Look, I'd better go. I've got training.

Don't work that body

too hard.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

So, um, you're on

the school magazine this term.

I am the school magazine.

No one else could be f***ed.

I could be fu-- I'd like to help.

Whatever.

Well, look--

Finish clearing this lot and, um,

stick that right in the middle, okay--

- Yes!

- [Whispering] Oh, for God's sake.

Steve,

he's not coming.

The gorgeous Glen

is 45 minutes late.

- He just got held up.

- By his balls, I hope.

Sweetheart, I know you want me

to meet him. I don't--

I just don't feel

very comfortable here.

- Anyway, I've got to get home.

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