Ghost Stories Page #2

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Um, well, technically,

I'm a professor.

They bloody insist

on calling me that

on that TV show that I do,

"Psychic Cheats."

Oh, yeah, that's where

I know you from.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I seen that.

Yeah, it's sh*t.

I'm only joking

with you, mate.

I ain't seen it.

I have never even

heard of it, sunbeam.

- Professor, eh?

- Yeah.

You know,

that's the official title

for someone who does

a "Punch And Judy."

I bet you didn't know

that, did you?

- No, I didn't actually.

- There you go then.

The professor

just learned something

from the humble

night watchman.

And that's what you do,

is it?

[TURNS ON RECORDER]

You're a night watchman?

Actually, I don't wanna

talk about it, mate.

Sorry?

I'm just not feeling

very chatty, sunbeam.

[SOFTLY]

For f***'s sake.

Oh, did I forget to mention

that there was a fee?

- 100 quid.

- 50.

Done.

20, 25..

So that's what

you do, yeah?

You're a night watchman?

Well, I was, you know,

when, um, it happened.

- And now?

- Now?

Let's just say

that immigration

has made things

a bit tough, yeah?

How about family?

You married?

I was married

for 15 years.

You get less for murder,

don't you?

[CHUCKLES]

Did you divorce?

She died 23 years ago.

I'm sorry.

If she fell ill now,

they'd smash that cancer.

Different world, isn't it?

Yeah. Any children?

Mind your own

f***ing business.

How many more of these questions

have you got, eh, Kojak?

It's worse than getting

car insurance, this.

I got a daughter, Marnie.

I was always

a big Hitchcock fan.

If I had had a boy,

I would've called him Norman.

- How old is she?

- She's 30.

Right, so she was seven

when your wife died.

That must have been tough.

Marnie is not my wife's.

I had a little bit

on the side.

What are you gonna do, eh?

Right.

You see much of her?

Well, I'm done here.

This is bullshit.

I thought you wanted to

talk about what I'd seen.

Tony, I'm just

trying to help.

You can't help me, mate.

[SIGHS]

She's in hospital.

She's been in there

five years.

Oh, f***.

Locked-in syndrome

they call it.

Her eyes are open, but..

...everything else

is paralyzed.

If I go and see her,

I... I don't know

if she even knows

if I'm there or not.

I stopped going

in the end.

I couldn't handle it.

My little girl.

I'm sorry.

You apologize a lot,

don't you?

Guilty conscience?

You wanna..

Wanna tell me

about your incident?

You'll think I'm mad.

Everyone else does.

Even my priest.

Ah, you don't believe,

do you?

[SCOFFS]

It was my last night

working that job.

Quarter to 4:
00

in the morning.

That is a sh*t time

of night.

Even after seven years

of doin' that shift

your body never

gets used to it.

That place had a history.

None of it was nice.

Hundreds of years before,

it was, um, it was a..

What do you call it?

A nuthouse for women.

Mad birds roaming

about the place.

Old brasses, drunks

young girls that got

themselves knocked up

newborns that no one

wanted, thrown away.

Miserable.

In the month

leadin' up to that night

two of the new

foreign blokes quit.

They said

they had seen things.

Did you believe them?

I wish I had.

Christ Almighty.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[RADIO BEEPS]

Hello? Marek?

You have to press

the button on the side.

Press the big black button on

the side, you Russian prick.

Yo, Tony.

I am in other building.

Congratulations.

Which other building?

Um, the building

with the blue door.

Alright. You're in

building number three.

Yes, yes, yes.

What do I do?

Well, you sit on your arse

for the next 10 hours.

Every hour

go for a walk round

and then chart it.

Set that timer

that I gave ya.

Other than that,

you do what you want.

I don't know, read,

play chess, learn English.

Okay.

Thank you a lot, Tony.

Alright, Marek.

No worries.

And then she sat down

with a cup of tea

and just went mad.

"That's typical of you,"

she said.

"Lord Muck, always

thinkin' of himself.

"Didn't even cross his mind

to ask if I wanted one, so.."

I'm havin'

a cup of tea, mate.

What do you reckon?

Was I selfish?

Is that what marriage is?

A lifetime sentence

of making

two cups of tea

instead of one?

Or is it good to grab

a bit of healthy me time?

It can oil the wheels

after all.

What do you think?

- Mike in Barnet, hello.

- Hi, Jeff.

Yeah, it sounds silly,

but we like... we like

doing everything

together, whatever it is.

Even if it is just getting a

Chinky on a Saturday night.

Ooh, fried rice. Nice.

We just love it, slobbing in

front of the telly. Perfect.

Oh, thank you

for that, Mike.

You mean a Chinese,

of course, don't you?

Apologies

on Mike's behalf.

But you're right.

Maybe that's the secret

of all.

[POWER SHUTS DOWN]

Oh.

How did that..

...[INDISTINCT] I'd have

been worth a fortune.

[HUMMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

What the..

[SCOFFS]

Ah.

...about, you know,

you've got to have this

and you've got

to have that

and they forget

the simple things

you know,

like holding hands.

My husband had a stroke

a few years ago

and, um, he has been

bedridden ever since

but I see him every day

without fail.

I hold his hand,

I tell him..

Oh, well,

that makes you a saint

you silly old b*tch.

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

[SIGHS]

[POWER SHUTS DOWN]

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Bloody hell.

I don't..

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GROANS]

Hello?

[WINGS FLUTTERING]

Oh, Jesus!

Oh.

Marek? Marek?

Pick up, please,

it's Tony.

Hello, Tony.

Listen, have you been over

here to this building?

Mm, no.

I am in other one.

I don't like

this place, Tony.

It feels... bad.

We have, um

we have a word

for this back home.

It is zloslivy.

Look, don't, um..

don't let them thoughts get

into your head, mate, alright?

Get yourself a radio,

sunbeam. Yeah?

Look, I'm gonna, uh,

take a walk around, right?

You sit tight

for 10 minutes

and I'll call you

when I get back, alright?

Okay.

Thank you a lot, Tony.

Alright, mate.

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC ON STEREO]

I'll never let you go

Why?

Because I love you

I'll always

love you so

Why?

Because you love me

No broken hearts

for us

'Cause we love

each other

There could be

no other..

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GRUNTS]

[CHAINS RATTLING]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[GASPS]

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Because you love me

because you love me

Because you love me

because you love me

Because you love me

Marek? Marek?

Dada?

It is a coma.

A probable lock-in.

He is here for keeps.

Just one of those things.

The lights are on

and nobody's home.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Marek?

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

Right, listen.

You've got two minutes to

get out of this buildin'

before I come for ya.

[GRUNTS]

Marek, if that's you..

What.. I can't believe this.

[LAUGHS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[GASPING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hello?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

Oh, what the bloody..

Oh.

I'm not f***in' about.

Right. Yeah? Yeah?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[CHAIN RATTLING]

Sh*t.

[WHIMPERING]

Dada.

[GASPS]

I'm comin' in.

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