Girl in Progress Page #2

challenges of adolescence.

Those challenges are called

rites of passage.

They're like unwanted,

but necessary stops on the highway

to adulthood and independence.

I want you all to write this down.

Rites of passage.

I'm coming of age, Tavita.

What does that mean?

It means, being a kid is stupid,

and I'm moving on.

But I need your help.

Film and television have cornered

the market of coming of age stories.

There are many varieties,

but the kind we're concerned with

employs the "good girl gone bad" model.

You taking notes?

- Yes.

- Here we go.

First, we establish me

as a sweet, straight-arrow kid.

You know, the kind who gets bullied

in cafeterias and locker rooms

and hangs out with unpopular girls.

Okay.

To reinforce my nerditude,

I do something geeky,

like become a cello prodigy.

- But you don't play cello.

- Well, then I'll play chess.

Around this time I get a teacher

to admire what a good student I am.

Very nerd.

I will later disappoint her by losing my way

once I start hanging with

the wrong crowd.

I'll befriend a bad girl.

And learn from her

how to become dark and rebellious.

And do terrible things like cut class, steal,

and possibly drugs.

But more importantly,

because bad girls go to bad girl parties.

And who else goes to bad girl parties?

Bad boys.

I don't follow.

In coming of age stories

there's always a party.

The kind with drunkenness,

where virginities are lost,

and that's where I'll lose mine.

To the baddest,

most insensitive guy around.

You're going to have sex?

Copulation, or sex, as you call it,

specifically the loss of female virginity

has been the rite of passage

for girls turning into women since

maybe before the beginning of time.

Metamorphosis, Tavita.

The point of no return.

It's how we get our wings.

I'm hungry.

So now I'm free to fly.

And I hop on a bus to Adult-ville.

My coming of age story is complete.

Roll end credits. Bring up the house lights.

I'm not a kid anymore.

And I leave her behind.

Which brings us to the last piece.

The last piece.

To cement maturity,

I'll need to experience something tragic,

like a brush with death.

Represented here by

the Greek demon Thanatos,

who's kind of a jerk.

What do you mean by death?

By the way, I'll need to borrow your sister's

bike to establish my plucky innocence.

Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.

Hi. I need a grandma.

I was thinking someone wheelchair-bound

that I can share poignant moments with

and tell secrets to, and someone

who's a good candidate for dying.

- You work here, don't you?

- Yes. So?

I have a business proposition for you.

Nurse Gilliam.

I don't do birthdays.

Which one is she?

There she is.

Hi.

Can you talk?

Perfect. You don't know me.

My name is Ansiedad and I'm casting you

as my sick, dying grandma.

What's your name?

Maude. I'm going to call you Maude,

is that okay, Maude?

These are for you.

This is only happening

because he makes more money than I do.

How can he get custody of her

without anyone even talking to me?

Listen, I got to call you back.

Students can't just walk in here.

I know. Sorry.

I'm just here because I need

someone to recognize my potential

and watch helplessly as I throw it all away.

Welcome to the team!

Thank you, fellow nerd.

It's all set.

Sorry I finished the cereal.

And the milk.

The dishes?

When I get back. But please know,

I'm gonna start not doing those.

I'm sorry?

As a sign.

We've already established

that chores are something I do,

so my not doing them

will be an early indicator.

I'd explain, but I'm sure you have to go.

I know I do.

So I invited Grace to my chess tournament.

You think she'll show up?

Hey.

Hey.

Ferguson, this is my friend Ansiedad.

What kinda name is that?

Can we talk?

Ferguson?

We just met. He's all right.

He's weird.

He looks like he keeps guns in his locker.

You're weird.

Fine. You have my breakdown?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I hacked into

a popular girl's Facebook page.

If you wanna get in with the wrong crowd,

you have to impress Valerie Lipniki. Period!

But nothing impresses Valerie Lipniki.

Now look down and to your left.

That's Trevor Morgan.

The one with the cast?

Chick magnet.

Chews 'em up and spits 'em out.

That's your bad boy.

And he goes to every party.

So he's probably going to this one.

It's in three weeks,

and you can't just show up.

Right.

So, I need Valerie Lipniki to get me in.

And Trevor Morgan to deflower me.

Good work, Tavita.

- You're the best.

- Thanks.

Wait. Where you going?

To get the bad girl's attention.

She's acting strange.

Who?

Ansiedad.

You mean stranger?

Why? You think she's strange?

No.

I guess she is a little weird.

We would've kicked her ass

in my high school.

If I would've gone to high school.

I should be out there getting a degree,

not laying here with some married man.

Barely married.

Married enough. Oh, gosh!

No. No!

No, why? So your wife can drive up?

She's not gonna drive up.

She's running errands.

Oh, damn it!

Hurry.

Okay.

Hey, you're home early.

Your son has migraines again.

Amazingly they haven't gotten better

by you choosing to ignore them.

Still here, Grace?

Oh, yeah. Yes, ma'am.

Come get me when you're done,

I'll drive you home, okay?

Okay.

How's your little girl?

Good.

Not making any trouble?

No. No.

She's a good kid.

It must be hard without a father.

We won't be needing you

at the house anymore, Grace.

I'm paying you an extra day,

and I can recommend you, but that's it.

I'm sorry.

It was Dr. Harford's decision.

You put this in my locker?

- That's right.

- Why?

Because I wanna be like you.

One of you guys.

The note says you can get alcohol.

You think I can't?

You chess nerd?

I wanna be like you.

That's funny.

And what? And what?

You dress like a retard.

She said you dress like a retard?

Yes! So you can have

your clothes back now.

All right. We are on to phase two.

I'll want a more mature look.

Something that screams,

"I wanna belong!"

Noted here under Slutwear.

Wait. There's a card missing.

No.

Fine.

Here. It fell.

Tavita, you can't change how things go.

I know. I just thought that one was stupid.

It's not.

Look, in coming of age stories

there's times when you have

to ignore your best friend

for dangerous new ones.

We can't be seen in public anymore soon.

But first,

I'm gonna need you to approach me when

I'm near Valerie, so I can ignore you coldly.

Okay.

That or I'll make fun of you.

And then when no one's looking,

I'll wink to let you know we're okay.

Like this.

You know what? You're right.

This one's stupid.

We don't have to do this one.

So, what's next?

"Steal Money for Makeover. "

- Hello.

- Hey, it's me.

Don't hang up.

Gracey, please, just talk to me.

I don't understand...

I'm sorry, I have to win.

Checkmate.

Checkmate.

Okay, ladies, pay attention!

Responsibilithon update.

If we're going by most tips,

Grace, you're in the lead.

Congratulations.

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