Gladiatress Page #2

They are taking her back...

across the water.

To their own land.

Where does it say that?

Just there.

She must be rescued.

Dwyfuc must be rescued.

If she is not brought home

when I pass to the Other World,

it'll be the idiot one who shall be queen.

(Wailing)

Who is... Yes, all right.

Who will undertake this almost certainly

pointless and fatal mission to Romania?

Rome, great Queen.

Who shall rescue Dwyfuc, my daughter,

future queen of the Dubonni?

ALL:
I will! I will! I will!

I will!

WORTHABOUTAPIG:
I will rescue her.

- I will rescue Dwyfuc! I...

- (Silence falls)

The unlucky one has been the loudest.

Worthaboutapig shall go to Bucharest.

(Cheering and clapping)

Worthaboutapig shall rescue Dwyfuc!

(People chant) Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

Look, actually...I thought about this overnight

and I don't know how practical this really is.

The gods will protect her.

ALL:
Yes!

- Sure... Sure...

But I just feel I'm...not really the hero type.

And I suppose it's partly, finally...

finding a boyfriend makes me reluctant to go

at this particular juncture.

I mean, will he wait?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Have a nice trip.

Left hand up the hill.

Right, everyone, back to work.

(Mutters)

My love!

I... I go!

But I shall return with my sister.

(Sniffs) Pguh!

And more arresting breasts.

I'm going to somehow get bigger breasts

and it's going to be fine.

But I don't...

(Sobs)

I don't even know where Rome is. Sh*t.

(Eerie hiss)

Gods, I need your help.

- You're not kidding.

- (Screams)

Are you from the Other World?

I'm Andrasta. Goddess of victory.

Yes!

- Your mission...

- Ahh!

..to save your sister is hopeless.

But you have another sister.

Smirgut the Fierce.

We do not speak of her.

You do not speak of her because there is

bad blood between her and Dwyfuc.

Smirgut had this bucket of blood

to use for a pudding but it went off

and then Dwyfuc accidentally

tipped it over her head.

Smirgut was absolutely livid.

It is only by Smirgut that your fate can be turned.

And even then,

you must persuade her to help you.

But they hate each other.

And she lives in the north,

with the Briganti

and they're really, really rough.

And they talk like tha

and they wear their mongs long at the back,

like a...a mullet.

And um...they've got three nipples.

# Ive got a little Gaul,

Jean Marcosivellaunivironmandiboule

Yaarrgggggh!

Oh!

Im looking for someone called Smirgut.

- (Gasps)

- No, Im her sister.

(Screams)

I think we must be close.

(Wolf howls in distance)

(Modern dance music)

(Raucous shouts)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

Don't ever touch my pint, you ranky git!

(Growls like a lion)

Pig?

Is it really you?

(Bones crunch)

- You've really picked up the accent.

- F*** off!

- You haven't changed.

- I know.

How's the drinking? Any...incidents?

None. Clean.

Right off it. Don't touch it. Not even tempted.

- I nearly lost my gooseberry.

- You didn't?

- Yeah.

- Who?

- Oh, not old Squinty Greenteeth the pig man?

- No! Gods, no!

(Laughs) No. No, he chucked me.

With um, a Gaul.

Yeah. I got lucky for once.

How's Mummy?

Fine.

Yeah.

And that stuck-up...b*tch of a sister?

Dead, I hope?

No. She's...fine.

Pity.

I would have written but er...no alphabet,

or paper.

What's the matter?

Ive said the thing which is not true.

- What, lied?

- Yes.

- Some Romans came, you see...

- (Growls)

and um...that's why Im here.

Because they...they took away...

..they took...they took away...

Mummy!

Yes.

(Growls)

We'll head for the coast. There's a druid there

who does boats and prophesies.

Be back later, love. Ta-ta, children.

CHILDREN:
Bye, Mum!

Don't eat the pets.

- Blow that when we get to a corner.

- (Blows horn)

- That's not a corner!

- Sorry, it's your accent.

Shut it!

WORTHABOUTAPIG:

# Ive got a little Gau-u-u-ul

(Squelching)

- It's nice. We can have a girlie chat.

- Shut it, you demented pixie.

WORTHABOUTAPIG:
Nice parking.

OK, Gareth, you stay. Stay and guard the...

- (Honks)

- Stay.

- Yeah. Good.

- Im gonna eat that goose.

(Honks)

So would you say you're more hard

since you went up north?

Yeah, 'kin hard as nails, me.

Brilliant. Those Romans better watch out for you.

Rome.

I didn't realise it was gonna be that big.

You could beat that, couldn't you?

No, no. We mustn't alert them.

Right.

We're going to have to be very, very clever.

A disguise?

Yeah.

Something...continental. Aaaah!

(Poor attempt at French accent)

Just airing, my slave. Hm?

SMIRGUT:
If you do that again,

Im gonna maim you.

- Argh!

- Sorry!

What are they building?

Amphitheatre.

Ooh. I wonder what's playing.

Turks.

- Must be the German quarter.

- What's German?

Look out!

(Tearing)

SMIRGUT:
Bollocks!

Swedes.

- Change money? Are you sure?

- No, thanks. Got a big bag full.

- Hotel? Hotel?

- Cheap hotel. Cheap hotel.

(Whispers) It's not fair.

Here we are, all cosy,

and poor Dwyfuc's being...poked with Romans.

We're coming to get you, Dwyfuc.

Don't despair.

Coming to get you.

Oh, Lofacta.

All this luxury.

Is it right?

Sometimes I think to myself,

why should I be the lucky one?

And then a little voice says...F*** it.

What's for dinner? I could eat a horse.

- Horse. With a sauce.

- Excellent.

Who's coming? Any celebs?

Prefect Crassus.

Oh... What a tit.

Ah. You met him.

And General Rhinus

with the ex-gladiator Ruselius Crocus.

- Oooh!

- His er...friend.

- Ohh...

- Oh, but, Dwyfuc,

now the legions are back from Germany,

we'll find you an husband, I promise.

Nobody wants a British princess.

Just because Im a bit...rough round the edges.

It takes time to adapt to foreign ways, my dear.

I mean, even for us Gaullish women,

the invasion was a terrible shock.

- It took some of us days.

- Ow!

Morning.

Mm. These are actually rather good, you know.

I don't suppose you also remember the last thing

you said before we went to sleep, do you?

Nighty-night?

Oh, no... Yeah.

No. Yeah, yeah. I said how this morning

we'd get up and rescue Dwy... (Chokes)

Excuse me, it's stuck.

I was saying how this morning

we'd go and, er, rescue Mummy.

(Growls)

- No, you didn't.

- I did.

- Didn't I?

- You said, Dwyfuc.

Really?

(Growls)

Oh.

Could you hold that a moment?

Sorry.

Shift!

- Here, love. You being chased?

- Yeah.

In here. It's all right, we're British.

You see, the smell of the soap is totally covered

by the cannabis so no soap tax.

Genius, eh?

She er...needs a place to hide.

Does she?

Hi. Hi.

Im Worthaboutapig.

What an absolute treasure trove.

- Worth less than a pig?

- No. Worthaboutapig.

Im sorry to be a pickypoo,

it's just it is about a pig.

It's never ever less. Im Worthaboutapig.

Yeah, well...we'll be the judge of that.

Have a pull on that, look. It's a local custom.

Thanks.

When in Rome.

No!

- No.

- Oh.

(High-pitched) Ahhh-ahhh. Ahh.

Hey, I feel fantastic!

Ive never felt so good in my whole life!

Im not afraid of Smirgut.

(High-pitched giggle)

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