Go West

- Any of you boys got change for 10 cents?

- No, sir.

Well, keep the baggage.

Tickets for the West at this window!

One ticket for the West, end of line.

Yes, sir. That'll be $70, please.

There's your $70.

Don't bother counting it.

- There's only $60 here.

- I told you not to count it.

You need $10 more.

It's highway robbery.

No wonder you're behind bars.

I'll get that other $10.

Someday I'll be president of this railroad,

and when I am...

Hey, mister.

Is this the right way for my brother

to get on the train for the West?

Not unless they're throwing

a masquerade party out West, it isn't.

- All we wanna know is where's the train.

- The train? It's out on the tracks.

It seldom comes in here.

Come on, Rusty, I'll buy you a ticket.

Where's your $70?

You only got $10?

What did you do with the other $60?

You buy a snake?

I can't get you a ticket

if you ain't got enough money.

Money?

- You two gents are heading West, partner?

- Not me. Just my brother.

You see, I got no money.

So he's going West.

When he gets off the train,

he'll pick up some gold and send it to me.

They say the gold is laying

all over the streets.

All over the streets you find the gold.

The way he's dressed, he looks like

he was laying all over the streets.

Of course the gold is all over the streets,

but they won't let him take any.

He's a tenderfoot.

You wear those shoes,

you've got tender feet, too.

Those are shoes?

I thought that was fungus with buttons.

All right, suppose he's got tender feet.

You don't pick up gold with feet.

No, you don't understand.

A tenderfoot is an easterner.

Out West, they shoot at anything

that looks Eastern.

They'll blow his head off if he goes

out West with that flea incubator.

What's the matter with that hat?

It cost a lot of money.

- How much did it cost him?

- I don't know. He stole it.

- What's the idea?

- Wait a minute!

I'm just trying to save his life.

- You love your brother, don't you?

- No, but I'm used to him.

Now, this is the kind of hat

they're wearing this season.

This is the 1870 model.

It's what they call a pioneer's cap.

Isn't that tail supposed to be in the back?

Not on him.

- That's genuine beaver.

- It's pretty.

I'll stroke it. It's still my hat, you know.

That'll be $10.

- You want $10 for that old beaver?

- I'm not in business for love.

I was in love once and I got the business.

But that's another story,

and a very unpleasant one, too.

Why should he buy a hat?

He ain't got enough money for a ticket.

You can always get a ticket.

But this is the last hat of its kind.

The Beavers have stopped making them.

They're all out playing football. $10.

He's a poor boy. He'll give you $1.

You take it?

I'll take it, but I'm only making $1 on it.

Rusty, give him $1.

What floor was that on?

First business I've ever done

with a dust storm.

It'll cost me $1 to have this cleaned.

$9 change, please.

- What change?

- That's $10.

Yes, so it is.

Money lover.

A dollar's a dollar,

and every dollar is taking me further West.

Us, too.

- What are you laughing at?

- That hat.

It looks ridiculous

with that coat he's got on.

- What's the matter with that coat?

- They clash.

I have a coat that goes with that hat.

Have you got a moment?

Come over here, son.

Now, this is a coat that's really a coat.

There's the finest deerskin jacket

I've ever seen.

Looks like it was made-to-order.

Now, let's see.

That's $20 plus $1. That's $21.

We meet you halfway. We give you $1.

You must have come the short way.

- Come on, Rusty. Give him $1.

- That's fine.

- Adios, gentlemen.

- $9 change, please.

- Change?

- That's $10.

So it is.

- Say, it looks a lot like the other one.

- It should.

Here's your change.

It's a pleasure to do business

with a man like you.

Our slogan is,

"The customer is always right. "

Say, did you see something

flying across here?

- Might have been a pigeon.

- No, it wasn't a pigeon. It was green.

- Must have been a frog.

- It had numbers on it.

Those were the license plates.

I guess it's my... No, it isn't.

I can't seem to locate

that $20 you gave me.

What $20? We no give you $20.

We give you $2.

$1 for the hat, and $1 for the coat.

That's right, yes,

but you gave me two $10.

Sure, and you give us $18 change.

$18 from $20 is $2.

- And you got mixed up.

- So stupid of me.

There's something corrupt

going on around my pants...

and I just can't seem to locate it.

If you think we're crooked,

we give you another $1.

I'm sorry if I had you fellows

pegged wrong.

I must have misunderstood you.

$9 change, please.

- You wouldn't wanna give me $1?

- No.

How about giving me 10 singles

and I'll give you 9 singles change?

- But we got no singles.

- I just gave him $18.

He sends money home to his mother.

- You want $1?

- Not if it's gonna cost me $9.

- You should watch your money.

- I'll watch my money. You watch him.

$9 change, please.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine.

You count good, but where's the change?

- Didn't I just give it to you?

- No.

Rusty, did he give it to you?

You must have given it to yourself.

Somebody's giving it to me.

You know, all I want to do is go West...

not go broke. Good day, gentlemen.

- You forgot something.

- Now what's the matter?

- The sales tax.

- What sales tax?

For the stuff you just sold us.

We gotta give you another $1.

No, thanks. I couldn't afford it.

But it's against the law not to charge tax.

- You wanna go to jail?

- I won't say anything if you don't.

I won't say anything, but he might.

- What does he want to keep quiet?

- Nothing.

All he wants to do

is to give you another $1.

- He doesn't want $9 change?

- No, he'll take $5 and $4.

Give me it.

He'll take $5 and $4.

One, two.

Here's $3. There's $4.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine.

You know what I say,

I like to do business with you...

because I knew you were honest

the first time I see you.

The cornerstone of my success

is integrity.

- That's right.

- That's the only secure foundation.

That's what I said when I see you.

- When you have that, you have everything.

- Right. I know you're a good man.

I gotta do business.

I don't care about anything else.

You can conduct it another way,

but it's not permanent.

It's not the kind of thing

you can build your success on.

- That has been the climax of my success.

- That's what I said.

It's suddenly gotten very chilly in here.

Well, goodbye.

It seems that I've strayed into

a den of thieves.

However, it's a wise man

that profits by his previous mistakes...

and from herein, gentlemen...

I have made

some other financial arrangements.

It's been nice knowing you, gentlemen.

I'm glad to have made your acquaintance,

and a good day to you both.

- Good day.

- Goodbye.

Come on, Rusty.

Gentlemen, this is Mr. Terry Turner

who has just arrived from the West.

- Hello.

- How do you do?

Young man, I want you to tell these

gentlemen what you told me this morning.

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