God of Love

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1

You can't control who you love.

You can't control who loves you.

You can't control how it happens, or

when it happens, or why it happens.

You can't control any of that stuff.

Dear God, whose name I do not know,

I pray to you in time of personal crisis.

As you know, I've been praying

for your assistance...

in winning the affections

of one Kelly Morand,

which I may consistently

declare as the only thing

I have really prayed for, at all.

Thus I remained surprised and

confused that last month

you solved it to have Kelly fall in

love with my best friend, Fozzie,

who I assure you, is not interested.

So please if you could just find some way

to have Kelly see me in

a new, desirable light

preferably before Valentine's

Day, I'd really appreciate it.

I hope this prayer finds you well.

Thank you once again

for my successful darts career

and my pleasant singing voice.

This is Raymond Goodfellow.

Brooklyn, originally from

Bloomington, Delaware.

And now please welcome to the stage,

my great my crooner who melts

hearts while he throws darts.

Ladies and gentlemen, my best

friend, Raymond Goodfellow.

All by myself in the morning.

All by myself in the night.

I sit alone with a table and a chair.

So unhappy there, playing solitaire.

All by myself, I get lonely.

Watching the clock on a show.

I'd love to rest my head

on somebody's shoulder.

I hate to grow older all by myself.

Thanks.

That just came for you.

It just sort of appeared.

Weird. Thanks.

So they are like Cupid's arrows?

Not exactly. Look at part 4.

Any subject punctured by the Love Dart 3000

enters a phase of susceptibility

lasting exactly 6 hours.

During this time, the subject has

a significantly higher chance of developing

a permanent romantic

attachment to the love object.

A permanent romantic attachment.

You know this is fake, right?

It's a prank or something.

No, look. If I stab Kelly

with one of these,

I'll have 6 hours to make

her fall in love with me.

You can't stab Kelly.

I knew it. You do like her. She

likes you and you like her.

Ray, once and for all,

I will never accept or return

the affections of Kelly Morand.

You are my best friend. Your

friendship means everything to me.

-Then what's the problem?

-You can't just stab people!

You're right. Maybe I should test it first.

-Wanna be in my book club?

-No.

-Wanna come over?

-No.

-Can I come over?

-Kelly, please.

OK, bye.

Hey, Frank, go tap that girl

on the shoulder. Just do it.

-What are you doing?

-Is that Barack Obama?

Where?

Wait a second, hold on.

Yeah?

You are interfering with

another person's fate.

Love is a cosmic collision of two souls.

It's a matter of destiny.

You can't control that.

This is wrong and weird.

It's unfair for Frank. And

it's unfair for that girl.

Come on. That girl's having a great time.

So the phase of susceptibility

is almost finished.

T minus 15.

What are you waiting for?

This is madness.

No, it's destiny.

I prayed every night for almost a year

and then God delivered these darts to me.

It was my destiny to test them on Frank

and now I'm obviously supposed

to use them on Kelly.

I need to plan the six most

romantic hours imaginable.

I'm gonna need your help

with the execution, okay?

Just come over tomorrow

to me and bring Frank.

So I've included all the

ingredients right here.

You've a copy in your binder as well.

Basically you wanna layer the

dough, the chicken, the celery

and repeat the process.

What's this dish?

It's chicken pot pie in

Pennsylvanian Dutch style.

Doesn't she like seafood?

Then you'll serve everything

in the living room,

which I want you to decorate

like a candle-lit Amish barn.

You know, like Witness.

Alright, so you've got a

lot to work with there.

You've got a broom, you've got a rake,

a butter turner and whatever that is.

It's a mallet.

-Was that a goat?

-Yes.

How is this, Ray?

-This is great. Thank you.

-No problem.

Wow, you're a lucky man, Frank.

What's your secret?

It was meant to be.

There you go.

Well I'm gonna go change and wish me luck.

-Good luck.

-Thanks.

-Hey Kelly, how are you?

-Good.

Good. Thanks. So I was in the neighborhood

and I was practicing this trick.

And I was wondering can

you give me your hand

and close your eyes at the same time?

No.

I'll tell you something that

Fozzie told me about you.

Really?

-Yeah.

-O, okay.

Ouh! Ray! What the...

Do you wanna hear a poem I wrote for you?

It's nine pages. And It's in Portuguese.

But, I can translate.

Sounds great.

-What happened to the chicken pot pie?

-I'm sorry. I took some liberties.

Oh my God, I love the seafood.

You having a nice time?

The best.

I mean...

Who knew, right?

Right. Who knew?

And what was I thinking?

What was that about?

What an idiot.

Just because someone is handsome and

smarter and talented and generous.

I'm so happy with you.

Really?

Yeah

I can't see how it could get any better.

Well, that is where you're wrong.

I told you to make chicken pot pie.

I just... I don't think

that was the problem.

Maybe I should've taken her to a

different ballet or something.

Swan Lake isn't her favorite. Romeo

and Juliet was playing in the public.

-Why didn't you tell me that?

-I thought you knew.

-No.

-Anyway, forget it. It's too late.

Here's what I think.

I think there are literally millions

of single women in the city.

I think you should use the love darts

and go out to find the one

that's right for you.

What about all that stuff about

interfering another people's destinies?

I take it back. It's more important

to me that you're happy.

Dome?

I don't know. I love her so much but

I think I said the wrong things.

I read her the stupid poem.

I'm like a bumbling fool.

We can help you with Kelly.

That's nice. But are you guys

kind of in love with me?

Isn't that like a conflict

of interest or something?

That's why we love you. We love

you and we want you to be happy.

Right, girls?

And... Trevor?

Definitely.

Dear God, whose name I do not know,

That strategy was obviously misguided.

I think what I'm gonna do is

tomorrow night after the show

I'm gonna prick Kelly again.

And then I'm just gonna keep

doing it until it works.

Obviously I rather not prick her every

6 hours in the rest of our lives.

But what can you do? It's

like being diabetic.

Maybe I could trick her into

thinking that she's diabetic.

Anyway, thanks again. This

is Raymond Goodfellow,

Brooklyn, originally from

Bloomington, Delaware.

-Do you wanna be in my movie club?

-No.

-Do you wanna come over?

-No.

-Can I come over?

-No.

Never.

All by myself in the morning.

All by myself in the night.

I sit alone with a table and a chair.

So unhappy there, playing solitaire.

All by myself, I get lonely.

Watching the clock on a show.

I'd love to rest my weary

head on somebody's shoulder.

I'm growing older all by myself.

You can't control who you love.

You can't control who loves you.

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