Goldie Locke and the Three Bears

---

GOLDIE LOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

Written by

Eric B. Hansen

Based on,

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

By Robert Southey

Birds CHIRPING. Black screen.

FADE IN:

EXT. FORREST - MORNING

A cartoonish forest with a cute little fairy tale house smack

dab in the f***ing middle. Through the front window we see .

. .

INT. THE THREE BEARS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

...a tiny table with 3 large bears seated. BABY PRESTON, 4

years old with adult mannerisms. He is confident and smiley.

MOMMA KAREN, early 40’s with an “I want to speak to your

manager” vibe. Finally, POPPA TOM, mid 40’s. Built like a

former athlete who's let himself go. They stare at bowls of

porridge in front of them.

KAREN:

It’s too hot Tom isn’t it?

TOM:

It’s alright Karen really...

KAREN:

No. Lemme cool it in the window

maybe...

KAREN gets up, moves to grab the porridge.

TOM:

Karen please it’s fine.

KAREN:

Every time you sit there passively

I-I just-ah for god sakes Tom.

TOM:

What? Are you serious? It’s 7 am on

a Saturday. What could I possibly

have done to you already?

KAREN:

It’s not about what you’re doing to

me. It’s about what you’re not

doing. Get MAD for once. You KNOW

the porridge is too hot! PUT YOUR

FOOT DOWN! We all know the porridge

is TOO hot Tom! We ALL know it!

Even Preston knows the porridge is

too hot!

2.

PRESTON:

...It’s too f***ing hot dad...

TOM bear winces but lets the ‘f***’ slide.

KAREN:

It’s TOO hot Tom. And you just sit

there and you take it. You burn

your big fat tongue shovelling that

porridge in there--and you smile

about it!

Beat.

KAREN (CONT’D)

(emotional)

Mom warned me about this.

TOM:

Jesus, Karen. What do you want from

me? You want me to maul you like a

river trout? Is that it? You want

me to attack you like you're a lost

hiker in the woods or something?

Huh? Prove I'm 'bear' enough?

KAREN:

No Tom. Just show me a hint that

you care. A tiny little something.

PRESTON:

Ya Tom. A little something.

TOM:

(to PRESTON)

Can you stop? You're a baby. (to

KAREN)

Why is he talking like this?...

KAREN:

I can’t take anymore of this

"passive Tom" routine...

Beat. He stares at her contemplating.

KAREN (CONT’D)

Please.

TOM stands to look out the window. Notices a framed photo.

TOM takes it, thumbing away dust from the glass. A young TOM

in leather straddling a black motorcycle. KAREN's arms

wrapped around him from behind.

2.

3.

TOM:

You know what. This porridge IS too

hot. It’s too hot and we are going

for a walk! We are going for a walk

and we are going to let this

porridge cool. Are we cool family?

TOM, arms out, welcomes a response. PRESTON is shocked by the

assertiveness. KAREN is visibly aroused.

KAREN:

Ok, this...

(scanning TOM with her

finger.)

...I can maybe work with this.

let's see how long you can keep

this act up, ok Alpha Daddy?

TOM:

Ok. Great. Put the porridge

BOOM. Front door flies off the hinges onto the floor. GOLDIE,

21, in tight red dress, rides the door on her belly like a

toboggan, SCREECHING to a halt in the middle of the floor.

She is dead still for a beat, then pats herself down. Eureka,

she hoists her key in the air.

YOUNG FEMALE (CONT’D)

Found it!

DEADRA, 21, a Williamsburg hipster type, enters behind her.

Drunk and slurry as well, but slightly less.

GOLDIE:

Mmmmmm. Smells so yummy up in her.

Up in her. Up in her.

(cringe rapping to the

tune of DMX - Up in Here)

Remember DMX Deadra? Im gonna eat

the sh*t outta Grandmas porridge

Dee. I'm so hungry.

GOLDIE clamours to her feet, slops herself into TOM's chair.

Picks up TOM's massive spoon. Stares at it, mouth agape,

stroking the spoon suggestively.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

Oooo...you know what they say abott

big shhpoons? Ye know?

DEADRA stands staring blankly as GOLDIE strokes the spoon.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

Ye know? (dizzy)

Head beginning to sway back and forth. A drunk pendulum, she

falls to the ground, dragging the table cloth and TOM's hot

bowl of porridge, SHHMACK down all over her.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

F***! Thats hot! Jehzuzzz...

DEADRA, not paying attention. Instead looks at photos on the

wall.

DEADRA:

You sure this is your Grammas

house?

DEADRA pulls the "TOM on a motorcycle" photo off the wall.

Looks at it.

GOLDIE:

Hhuh? ... wh...whay...where?

4.

5.

DEADRA:

..why? Cause this photo is of a

coupla bears dude. Is your Gramma a

bear?

GOLDIE sits on KAREN's chair.

GOLDIE:

I uh. ya Dee. she's a big ol' teddy

bear. Pfft hahaha. Why’ru so silly

all-the tim.

DEADRA shrugs.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

Huh? I love you. I really love you.

You’re so nice too me like Gramma.

GOLDIE, shoving a spoon full of KAREN's porridge in her mouth

and just as quickly spits it out everywhere.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

EEWW! F***! F***ING COLD! I swear

to god that is the grossest thing I

ever. I don’t believe it Deadra. I

simply don’t believe porridge could

be that cold it’s gross. It’s

disgusting. Deadra?

DEADRA still looking at the portr

DEADRA:

Of course.

GOLDIE:

Yay!

DEADRA:

Hey. Your Gramps was such a stud

when he was young.

GOLDIE:

Huh?

GOLDIE tries PRESTON's porridge.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

Mmmm. Fawk. Dee. You gotta try

this.

DEADRA hangs the photo back up and walks over to GOLDIE. Eats

a spoonful of PRESTON's porridge. GOLDIE eyeballs DEADRA,

waiting.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

Right?

DEADRA:

(nodding)

It's good.

GOLDIE:

It’s good?

DEADRA:

Ya. Good.

GOLDIE:

Are you kidding me b*tch, It's

f***ing JUST right...

GOLDIE stands up fast, gets dizzy, head wobbles around.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

...whoa

She tumbles to her side and crashes through PRESTON's chair.

GOLDIE (CONT’D)

Oh no. I broke the chair Dee. Look

please. I broke it all. It's

broken.

DEADRA:

I know. Kay come on. Get up...

6.

7.

DEADRA helps her up to her feet.

DEADRA (CONT’D)

It's 7:
30 am. You gotta go to bed.

Cuz I wanna go to bed to, so come

on, let's go upstairs. Upsie daisy.

GOLDIE:

I'm not coming down! I’m going

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh..!

GOLDIE SLITHERS upstairs with DEADRA's help into...

INT. THE THREE BEARS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The room has three beds - large, medium and small, and a

single door way leading to a washroom.

GOLDIE breaks away from DEADRA and jumps onto the large bed.

The LARGE bed, taught like a drum, bounces her onto the

MEDIUM BED which is so soft, she is completely swallowed by

it.

GOLDIE:

(muffled)

Dee! help! this bed is far too

soft!

DEADRA runs over.

DEADRA:

Whoa.

DEADRA reaches into the bed up to her shoulder, darting her

hand around blindly searching for GOLDIE.

DEADRA (CONT’D)

(to herself)

Come on. Where are ya?

(yelling to Goldie)

Goldie! reach for my arm!

GOLDIE (O.S.)

I can’t see anything Dee. What

way's is up? I don’t even know.

Just leave me here to die!

DEADRA:

(calmly)

You’re not gonna die.

7.

8.

GOLDIE:

Ok. Got your arm Dee. I got it. I’m

not dying.

DEADRA:

Ok. Good.

GOLDIE:

I got it. Your arm...

DEADRA:

I know baby.

DEADRA pulls hard and the bed PUKES out GOLDIE like a new

born calf. She falls to the floor with a meaty THUNK.

GOLDIE:

Uhhhh-the bed sh*t me out Dee. You

see that sh*t? It sh*t me...

DEADRA:

Ya sweetie. I saw. Ok, up you go.

DEADRA helps GOLDIE into PRESTON's bed.

GOLDIE:

Oh Dee, you should feel this. It’s

like I’m sleeping in the good

porridge. It's so nice. Thank you

for taking care of me. Dee, thank

you for takin...ca.. zzzzzzzzz

GOLDIE passes out.

DEADRA:

Gramma's gonna be so pissed when

she sees the front door.

DEADRA tucks her in.

DEADRA (CONT’D)

Sweet dreams kiddo.

DEADRA's black shoes hit the floor. Following her feet back

through the house. DEADRA leaves us.

A few beats.

A breeze blows a few leaves through the hole where the front

door used to be.

A few more beats.

8.

9.

KAREN (O.S.)

Jesus. H. Christ.

TOM (O.S.)

We closed the door right?

KAREN (O.S.)

Ya we closed the goddamn door Tom.

Beat.

KAREN (O.S)(CONT’D)

(whispering)

Well, what are you waiting for?

TOM (O.S.)

What do you mean? Robbers? Could be

a home invasion!

PRESTON:

Ya Karen. A goddamn invasion!

KAREN:

Quiet you little puke!

(to TOM)

Home invasion? I swear to god

Tom...

TOM:

Fine! You want me to bust in there?

“Freeze scumbags, it's the Coppers

see? Put your hands up and we might

go easy on ya mugs”

KAREN:

What is that supposed to be? An old

time--

TOM:

Ya old timey--like Dick Tracy kind

of voice.

KAREN:

(nicely)

Oh ya? Thats nice, that’s really

funnny...

(yelling)

YOU GET IN THERE YOU GODDAMN P*SSY!

YOU'RE A GRIZZLY BEAR FOR F***

SAKES!

TOM:

Ok! Jesus. Quiet. So much for the

element of surprise Karen. Shhh.

9.

10.

PRESTON:

Ya, Jesus.

Karen and TOM stank eye PRESTON.

PRESTON (CONT’D)

Wha?

TOM sneaks in the front door, the rest of the family in tow.

KAREN:

Look. Someone’s been sitting in my

chair.

TOM:

Ya. I KNOW Karen.

PRESTON:

He knows Karen.

(PRESTON spots his chair

smashed)

Oh sh*t. Someone was sitting in my

chair and broke it!

TOM:

Be quiet! Anybody who breaks into a

house to sit in chairs and eat

porridge is obviously a drug

tweeker of some sort. I do not want

them to hear us. My dear family,

respectfully, please shut the f***

up!

KAREN:

Wait, did you just say someone was

eating your porridge?

TOM:

Ya. “Somebody has been eating my

porridge.” That's what I said.

KAREN:

Somebody's been eating MY porridge.

PRESTON:

Somebody's been eating my porridge

and they ate it all.

They look up. TOM wields a SHOTGUN out of nowhere.

KAREN:

Where did that come from? What are

you gonna do with that?

10.

11.

TOM:

Somebody's been sitting in our

chairs, eating our porridge, and

possibly shitting in our toilet...

The ceiling above them CREAKS loudly, they all JUMP. TOM

cracks his neck and stretches getting ready for battle.

TOM (CONT’D)

This is my house.

TOM C*CKS the SHOTGUN. KAREN and PRESTON scurry behind TOM up

the stairs...

INT. THE THREE BEARS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The three creep along in a row behind TOM.

TOM:

Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

I told you!

KAREN:

Mine too.

KAREN and TOM turn to see PRESTON lying in his bed smiling

and SNIFFING his pillow.

PRESTON:

Mmmm. Somebody's been sleeping in

my bed. They smell like vanilla.

A toilet FLUSHES off screen. TOM, KAREN and PRESTON turn

toward the bathroom door. TOM raises his SHOTGUN at the

closed bathroom door.

TOM:

Somebody's been shittin’ in my

toilet.

CUT TO:
BLACK

SCREEN:

The wood bathroom door GROANS open and . . .

SMASH into:

“Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire.” By Johnnie Taylor

CREDITS - THE END

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