Goltzius and the Pelican Company Page #2

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Stan with the larger concepts

and move freely down

through the categories of size.

That's what I always do.

Sky!

Very good.

English theatre was booming at that time.

Still is.

I paid him a fee of 8 a play.

I met him at a theatre in Southwark.

We were both taking a sh*t together.

He noticeably wore no underlinen.

Tree.

Yes. Indeed, I see you have

quite grasped the concept.

You are beginning

to understand God's intentions.

Well done, Adam! Well done.

Roughly shoved his prick

into his codpiece

as though it was

a serviceable sword into a scabbard.

Now, I will leave you

in order to spend a little time

with some abstract values

that still need attending to.

Do not exceed yourself.

I liked this playwright.

I liked what I saw of his prick

and how he handled it.

What effrontery!

You cannot clap God.

Why ever not?

- May your palms burn in hell.

- Jesus!

He was only applauding good works,

like a good Christian.

- I'm going to clap with him!

- So am I.

The Biblical Creation of Man

- and woman -

for painters,

has always presented problems.

There is just about

enough information in Genesis

to open possibilities,

but far too little information

to expand those possibilities

in any useful descriptive way.

I am snake!

It's up to me to name names.

You name him!

After all, your word is law, Adam-.

In the beginning was the word.

Who are you quoting?

Quoting?

- Why, God of course.

- What about me in all this?

Susannah was the unbalanced mainstay,

in more ways than one.

Let me name names.

What should I call this?

Apple.

Good. Take the apple.

It can become a symbol of the tree

and therefore of knowledge.

Use it to obtain some wisdom.

How do I do that?

Well, Adam could try biting it, Eva.

An apple a day

keeps the doctor away.

That's also a quotation.

Not necessarily from God, though.

- Bite'?

- Yes. Go on.

Bite.

B.I.T.E.

Yah.

The depiction

of this important moment

is always a little contentious, huh?

Van Eyck painted

a good version of this.

It is a question of expectation -

the entry of sin into the world.

And since in the end

we need to sin in this way,

else you and I would not be here,

what on earth is God playing at,

banning that

which is absolutely necessary?

Makes absolutely no sense, huh?

Durer made a fine print, yeah.

Though a little heroic.

And he avoids passing

any sort of judgment.

His Adam and Eva are,

in the end, very impassive.

Now, this model became

a sort of formula.

There is a version

by Cornelis Cornelis van Haarlem.

Ideal man.

Ideal woman.

Man a brown triangle.

Woman a white oval.

It was an invention,

a concept that stuck.

Mouth. Breast. Kiss.

Slow down. You have time.

All eternity, in fact.

Now, there is a thing

that wants a name.

What shall we name

what Adam possesses

and Eva does not?

Cock.

Oh, I have it -

"penis".

And how about a word

for her hungry mouth?

I can offer you this.

Vagina.

Penis. Vagina.

The primary apparatus.

Doing it like that is going to be frowned

upon.

It will be described as doing it

like a dog.

Could you imagine history recording

that the first love of Adam and Eva

accompanied by "ar ar ar ar", barking?

Dog, a four-legged animal

that runs in a pack.

And, if in any doubt,

remember that "dog"

is only "God" backwards.

And it may be true that only man

in the whole animal kingdom

makes love from the front.

Man, you may say indeed,

is the odd man out, so to speak.

So try a reversal.

Believe me,

reversals can be entertaining.

Watch her face. See her eyes.

Feel her stiffened nipples

against your chest.

Hold her body by the hips Adam,

by the pelvis,

by the pelvic bones that will

shelter your eventual little baby.

And now they have all the words,

all 26 to make the very globe itself.

"In the beginning was the word."

The world is on its way

to uncounted millions and millions,

of little Evas and Adams.

Enjoy the pleasure -

to over-population

and beyond.

Not bad, huh?

We had only been there a short time.

We did well,

pulling all these special effects together.

We are disturbed

by your little play,

which is blasphemous.

We have four counts of blasphemy

that must be addressed.

One - a naked God.

Two - a God that speaks

with mortal words.

Three - an actor that plays

both God and Satan.

Four - extreme disrespect

for Adam and Eve,

the parents of all mankind.

We agreed to a debate.

The Margrave was particular.

He had constructed a debating hall

for just that very purpose.

I agreed.

I was after a contract.

Nakedness is vulnerability.

You make God vulnerable.

How can God be vulnerable?

Nakedness is also pride,

a long way from any mortal shame.

I need to sell to live and work,

find salaries for six employees,

maintain a printing press,

keep up with developments,

be ahead of the trade,

find new markets.

Make, maintain and market.

God did not make man

in his own image.

But man has made God

in his own image.

Thus necessarily giving him

a penis and an anus.

This is extreme blasphemy.

Arrest this man for insufferable pride

for presuming he knows

God's nature and anatomy!

How much theology

do you need to ask

who could have mothered Eve,

if God has a penis but no womb?

A reasonable enough question,

from a pregnant wife to a lustful husband.

A question to you, er, Rabbi.

Were Adam and Eve

technically brother and sister?

And if they were, is it not unlawful

for them to lie together?

Put the Holy Stories in the hands

of women and the lay public,

and you have wholesale confusion.

And is that not exactly

what Calvinists have done?

Margrave, husband?

Why did the serpent deny them

love-making from behind,

when that's all we do?

Well now,

with these so eager critics,

you are pushing

your good fortune to the edge.

And where is the edge?

I never know.

Let us try to find the edge together.

You will be Adam and I will be Eve.

Adam is supposed to be the master

and Eve is certainly his slave.

And give me something of yours to wear

to indicate my lowly position in your life.

And we can board this very boat of a bed

and sail away.

My corset.

A most restricting garment.

A slave has no arms to protect himself.

Then I will have no arms.

Bind my arms.

I can be armless.

Harmless, like a worm.

You're a stuffed shin and a lout.

Very well.

I obey.

I think of myself as the worm's worm.

Like a worm.

All worm.

I am worming beyond the worm's

greatest possibility of worming.

I am indeed The Worm.

Well then, silence.

Worms are silent.

I command you to be a silent lover.

Now, I want to sail away.

Lift me up so I can sail away.

My God, gods and goddesses!

I scarcely believe in a God

but I miss him

if he is responsible for this.

Blasphemy!

We must arrive

at the same harbour

at the same time.

I promise.

I think I promise.

Ebola?

Ebola? Quick!

Quick, a letter. A letter.

Dear Madam...

Dear Madam...

Who are you?

A mirage?

So near and yet so far.

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