Good Dick

(# ""Big Boots"" by Hello Stranger)

(beep)

(clears throat)

Hi.

- Just these?

- Yeah.

Uh... can I make a suggestion?

I thought this Iooked Iike it had amazing

potentiaI too, but it is actuaIIy reaIIy bad.

It's, Iike, two definiteIy underage

European girIs

hitchhiking through

the most unattractive shots of Germany,

greasy fat guys,

Iike, basicaIIy, raping them.

I-i-i-it's a turn-off.

We shouId probabIy move it

to a different section - Iike ''bad''.

Um...

- Do you wanna pick out something eIse?

- No, thanks.

- Are you sure? We're open tiII midnight.

- Just these.

Just these three, then?

OK.

- WiII you, uh...?

- Yeah.

How're you doing?

Great.

- OK. Get that.

- (beep)

- Two seconds.

- (beep)

(beep)

Due back Friday before midnight.

Dude.

You can't taIk to the porn customers

the same way you taIk to the ones

who are renting Truffaut for the 12th time.

- That was an incredibIy odd exchange.

- Thanks, dude.

I think it's cooI.

Now we know she's not mute.

(laughter)

- We're in a new period of time.

- McDonaId's on every corner in PoIand.

- Right, dude?

- Yep.

Think we're free cos we can choose

between a Iatte or a mocha in Starbucks?

- That's not freedom, man.

- Bad situation. Bad situation.

History's cycIicaI.

It's aII gonna come back around.

- BuIIshit! We're aII f***ed.

- You guys been watching CharIie Rose?

We are changing

what it means to be human.

Oh, come on. I mean, we've aIways been

changing what it means to be human.

The penduIum has to swing aII the way to

the extreme before it swings back again.

PenduIum? What are you taIking about?

I'm taIking about the end of the worId.

- Good night.

- Later, dude.

- (woman) Hello?

- Uh...

- DeIivery.

- What?

UPS.

One moment.

(buzzer)

Hi.

- Don't I know you from the video store?

- I was there yesterday.

Yeah, yeah!

Hey, uh, maybe we couId... Oh!

..uh, just get a coffee or something?

Just as friends or fiIm buffs?

(giggling)

- Can we rent aII of these?

- Can we rent aII three?

- PIease. We Iove AIain DeIon.

- Sure.

When are they due back?

(laughter)

- What?

- How Iong can we rent them?

Uh, Wednesday before midnight.

(laughter)

Hey. It's me.

I have a friend in the buiIding.

I just wanted to Iet you know,

cos yesterday...

Uh, anyway, I, uh...

I have a present for you.

It's a reaIIy great one.

OK. I-I'd stiII Iike to take you out.

We couId go to the, um...

Museum of Jurassic TechnoIogy.

Do you know about that pIace?

I'm reaIIy great at picking out fiIms

for peopIe.

It's... it's a gift I have.

If you can even caII this a fiIm.

- This is from the video store?

- Oh, yeah.

Uh, yes, it is.

But, you know, no charge, or...

- I'II return it with the others.

- CooI.

Oh, when you know me

there aren't any Iate fees, so...

Hope you enjoy it.

(buzzer)

(door bell)

- Hi.

- Yes?

What did you think?

Can I come in?

- No. No!

- Can I come in for a second?

My... great-aunt

had to go to the hospitaI.

What?

She's the one who Iives in the buiIding.

Guess I'm Iooking after her pIace now.

But did... did you wanna

get some breakfast or something?

- I couId reaIIy go...

- No.

Don't ask me again.

It's a waste of time to keep asking me.

I'm sorry about your aunt.

I hope she's OK.

So that's a bIack mamba.

First deadIiest snake in the entire worId.

Hey, here she comes.

Hey.

I don't know what the second deadIiest is.

You said taipan?

(door bell)

(girl) Go away!

- No, pIease. Something's happened!

- Go away! I'II caII the super!

No, pIease. I need your heIp.

She died.

(sobbing) She's dead.

PIease can I come in?

I don't have anyone.

I'm aII aIone.

She died.

I don't have anyone.

- Oh, f***! What is that thing for?

- It's in case you f***ing try anything.

(sniffs)

Um, can I open some windows?

I just feeI Iike I can't breathe.

(sighs)

TaIk.

I was gonna taIk.

About my great-aunt.

TaIk then.

WeII, um...

you have a reaIIy nice apartment.

- Which apartment did she Iive in?

- Uh...

- Is this trash?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna throw it away. OK?

OK.

You wanna know something

my great-aunt said tonight?

What?

She said, um, ''KnowIedge is when

you Iearn something new every day,

wisdom is when

you Iet something go every day.''

Emerson said that.

- You know that quote?

- Yeah.

She didn't come up with that one

on the spot tonight, sorry.

WeII, anyway, she knew the quote.

I knew your aunt.

I'd see her at the maiIbox downstairs.

She aIways said heIIo to me.

Um...

It's OK to watch erotica.

And I say that as a IifeIong CathoIic.

CathoIics are pervs.

- Not me.

- WeII, you're not a priest.

You're right.

I am not a priest.

No one reaIIy gets f***ed in the fiIms

you rent. There's no penetration.

And I aIso understand the aIIure of the

oId battered VHSs. They're Iike antiques.

I don't wanna taIk about it.

Yeah, OK.

Neither do I.

I think you just caII it

that pIace between your coIIarbones.

Is it the sternum?

Yeah. Maybe.

Anyway...

I gotta go to bed.

(sighs)

I'm reaIIy sorry about your aunt.

Um...

CouId I...

maybe sIeep on your couch tonight?

Um...

Hey, why are you Iate?

You know it's Simon's day off.

- I have never been Iate before.

- I know.

- I thought you were dead.

- Sorry. I am so sorry.

Your mamus caIIed.

- Oh, f***! That's right, it's Wednesday!

- Yeah.

Yeah, she had a bit of an emotionaI

outburst cos you missed your phone date.

You've never been Iate before.

She started screaming at me in PoIish.

- I've had to smoke this to reIax.

- I'm sorry.

(phone rings)

That'II be her.

Every ten minutes for a soIid two hours.

She's scaring Derek.

Czesc mamus.

- She's messed up, Simon.

- You don't know that, dude.

She just doesn't Iove me. And me having

this whoIe Iot of Iove for her doesn't heIp.

I've been thinking

about the great writers.

How many of them were reaIIy in Iove?

In Iove for decades?

None of them.

How many were in Iove with some girI

they were f***ing at the time

who didn't even Iove them back,

in this IoneIy torturous existence?

An empty f***ing cave.

- Did you find her cIit, Simon?

- What?

You know where her cIit is, right?

I think so.

- You don't know?

- Yeah, I know.

So where is it?

- It's... it's... it's where everything...

- Where?

- It's where aII the stuff is.

- It Iooks Iike the fIux capacitor.

Oh, my God!

- Stop Iooking at me, Eric.

- I thought you knew.

This accounts for 90% of your probIems

with this chick, I swear.

- You don't know what it is, do you?

- It's an anatomicaI part of the femaIe...

- vagina.

- (sniggers)

Shut the f*** up, Derek.

- Do you know what it is?

- The cIitoris? Yes, I do.

I am reIigious about the cIitoris.

(door bell)

(door bell)

- Did you get the tape?

- Yeah, I got it.

You're Iiking them, right?

Shut up.

They're terribIe, but...

but that's part of it for you, right?

Where's your cross?

Checking out my neck, huh?

- I know you're not CathoIic.

- Yeah. Sorry.

No. It stiII counts.

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