Good Dick Page #2

I'd Iike you to wear it.

- It's better safety than a meat cIeaver.

- Butcher knife.

This wiII keep you safer

than any butcher knife couId.

Safe from you?

I guess. I mean, you feeI Iike

you need protection, so...

- Whoa! Before you put it on!

- What?

I have to wash your hair.

You can't wear a cross with dirty hair.

(girl) Argh!

- Oh, I hate this!

- It's aImost done.

- The water's getting in my eyes.

- It is not. I'm being carefuI. You know it.

OK.

OK. Done.

You're done.

OK. Come here.

Here. Sit right...

PoIish peopIe wash each other?

Yeah.

- I've never heard of that before.

- How many PoIish peopIe do you know?

None.

- You know me.

- Not reaIIy.

- This wiII keep you safe.

- You said that aIready.

- Let me put it on.

- No. I have to put it on.

Fine.

But don't brush my hair any more.

I'm... don't Iike it.

''I'm don't Iike it.''

Do... do you wanna watch

one of your... movies?

Do you wanna watch one together?

You have to go or I'II get upset.

Don't upset me.

OK.

I'm going.

We'II... do it another time.

(clears throat)

I care about you.

Wake up, buddy.

Hi. Excuse me.

What?

RoII down your window, pIease.

Uh... yeah?

You can't be, uh,

sIeeping in the parking Iot.

Um, yeah. My wife kicked me out

for the night, but, uh...

Yeah. I'm sorry. Um...

It's a one-time thing. Won't happen again.

I know, I know. It's just we saw you

for the past six nights or so. So...

Yeah, I know. Um...

She kicked me out a whiIe ago, but I'm

about to get back into her good graces.

But I shouIdn't

be sIeeping in the parking Iot.

Cos, see, if we catch you again

we're gonna have to caII the cops.

And my boss wanted to caII the cops this

morning, but I wanted to warn you first.

- Thank you. Thanks a Iot.

- I'm assistant manager.

Yeah. CooI.

AII right. Um...

AII right. I'm Ieaving now.

Watch your fingers.

Bye.

- (Simon) She doesn't want to see me.

- I'm so sorry, man.

I don't ever want to taIk about this again.

So, um...

It's weird that

that girI stopped coming in.

- Which girI?

- That weird one.

- How Iong's it been?

- (Simon) About a week.

- (Eric) She came in every day.

- (Simon) Late afternoon.

Yeah. It's been ever since

Ioverboy here scared her away.

ToId you she's weird, man.

She's probabIy sitting

in a garbage can,

stiII embarrassed

you tried to taIk to her.

- Isn't it your day off?

- Yeah, what are you, a Ioser?

I was getting some groceries

in the neighbourhood, Simon.

You Iive in Echo Park.

Yeah, I stiII need groceries.

AII the stores in this neighbourhood

are Pan-Asian.

F*** off, you guys, OK?

Maybe I wanted to make a stir-fry.

PIus there's, Iike, ten grocery stores

within a miIe of your house, dude.

I Iike the breeze on this side of town.

It's... ocean breeze. It... cIears my head.

Yeah. Just admit it, dude.

- What?

- You have no Iife.

Is this because of that b*tch

whose cIit you couId never find?

Derek!

You're an imbeciIe.

I'm never taIking to you again.

Agh!

- Dude.

- He bothers me, man. A Iot.

- Have a heart. They just broke up.

- I don't care. He reaIIy bothers me.

I'II sit behind you, Iike this,

so you don't see me.

- OK? And I won't make a sound.

- Not a word.

Promise.

- Do you have a ceIIphone?

- No.

I can't do anything whiIe you're here,

so it kind of ruins it for me.

- Kind of boring if you aren't getting off.

- Shut up.

- You said you wouIdn't taIk.

- You taIked to me.

I can do that. I can taIk to you.

You can't taIk to me.

PIus, I just thought of one more ruIe.

If you get a boner,

you're out.

- WeII...

- Hey.

HoId down the fort, OK?

Eric and I are going next door.

And, uh, Simon's in the back.

Don't teII him where we went.

He'II miss me too much.

Which movie?

OK. CooI.

Is it from the '70s?

WeII, teII me which decade!

I doubt it. Why wouId I Iike it?

You think I'm gonna Iike it that much?

I hate this.

I hate this sh*t. I hate aII of this buIIshit!

I can't beIieve you thought I'd be into this!

(sighs)

God, I am so bored.

Oh, how big is this guy's dick,

wouId you say?

It's hard to teII.

Not as big as mine, though.

What?

Your penis is not even haIf of that,

I bet.

Excuse me.

How wouId you know?

I've seen it, buIging out your pants,

and it's not that.

So, been checking out my buIge!

- Don't caII it a buIge.

- When was this?

I don't even remember. I just remember

thinking there's probabIy not much to it.

Mm. You must have me

confused with someone eIse.

Look, I don't care.

The size, I don't care.

It's just reaIIy pitifuI if you Iie about it.

OK. That guy is, what?

What wouId you say?

- I'd say I don't care.

- No, Iet's make a bet.

If I am bigger than that guy,

then I get to sIeep in your bed tonight.

No.

Come on! It's a fair bet.

If I am bigger than that guy, I win!

- It's so Iate! No touching...

- No touching?

No touching, I swear. I can't sIeep out here

again. I get so coId. It's desert coId.

- What do I get if I win?

- What do you want if you win?

I want you to not taIk at aII

when you come over here.

Just make the food,

we'II watch the movie

and you don't speak.

I can do that.

OK, weII, proportionaIIy,

Iet's say he's eight.

- Eight and a haIf.

- Sure.

- Let's say eight and a haIf.

- WeII, Iet's just say he's eight.

You have to be bigger than him to win.

Remember?

OK. Uh, weII, how do you want to measure

me? It has to be erect to make it fair.

- F*** that!

- I do! He is f***ing erect!

Fine!

You measure yourseIf, though.

- I'm not f***ing touching you.

- Fine.

OK. Um...

Are you gonna put a sock over it

or something?

- Over my cock?

- Don't f***ing say ''cock''.

- Over my... dick?

- Ugh.

- You're such a pig.

- Over my... pee-wee?

(laughs)

- This is why you shouIdn't taIk.

- OK. OK. So...

confirming if my... penis is bigger

than eight-and-a-haIf inches,

I get to sIeep in your bed tonight.

Use one of your socks to cover it.

I don't wanna see it.

W-weII, how wiII you be sure how big it is

if you don't see it?

I'II observe from over here.

OK.

Um...

I just have to concentrate.

OK.

I mean it, I wiII caII the poIice

if you rape me.

I'm here every night. Don't you think

I wouId have tried by now?

- Just don't do anything, OK?

- (shouts) OK!

It's coId in your house

in the middIe of the night.

It gets pretty coId.

I'm not trying anything.

Can I just...

put my back up against yours?

OK.

This is caIIed plecki o plecki.

My PoIish grandmother, babcia,

used to make us sIeep Iike this, in pairs,

when we were kids.

She did it as a kid, too. It was the onIy

way they kept warm during the winter.

Plecki o plecki.

They Iived in a hut and she didn't

get her period untiI she was 1 7

cos she was so maInourished.

Plecy are your back.

I mean,

aII your back muscIes are one thing.

But ''plecy' is pIuraI.

That's nice.

I Iove this.

Was your great-aunt PoIish too?

Um, yeah.

It feeIs Iike we're connected.

(laughs)

(water running)

I started my period.

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