Good Dick Page #3

- Let's go out.

- I don't Iike LA.

- What? You Iive here.

- I don't go out to pIaces, I mean.

- You're touching me again.

- I know.

(she sighs)

On the first day of their period,

girIs are sick,

so even if I was a normaI girI, I stiII

couIdn't go anywhere with you today.

You are normaI.

- Hey, do you want some tea?

- Yeah.

- Honey?

- I don't have any.

I brought some for you.

Honey's better than sugar.

Honey's better than sugar?

I bought it for you.

F***.

F***. F***. F***.

I'm f***ing... f***ing...

I'm f***ing. I'm f***ing.

I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

I'm gonna come.

Uh! F***! F***! F***!

What do you think?

- I think you're funny.

- You thought that was funny?

Yeah.

Can I do it to you now?

Great.

Uh, whatever you want.

Uh, the same fish

I made Iast week.

We'II chowder the haIibut.

OK, I'II see you after I'm done.

Bye. Thanks for caIIing.

- Who's that?

- A customer.

''See you after I'm done''?

It's a movie.

- ReaIIy?

- Yeah.

It's a Scottish...

movie.

I got some sIeep for the first time in a Iong

time, having you in the bed Iast night.

- That's good.

- Get off!

- Night, you guys.

- Auf Wieder.

- What?

- Auf Wiedersehen.

- I'II see you guys tomorrow.

- Not if I see you first.

- Not taIking to you.

- AII right, goodbye, Simon!

Come on, guys.

- I shouId probabIy head.

- Sit.

Want one?

- No, Eric.

- OK.

Why do you aIways ask me?

It gets annoying.

Dunno. PoIite.

One day you might want one.

- I don't smoke.

- OK.

I went past your pIace yesterday.

Huh?

I went past where your apartment shouId

have been. It was a huge piIe of rubbIe.

It's demoIished, man.

Wire fence, cement mixers...

Yeah, I moved.

- Where to?

- Another apartment.

When?

- A few months ago.

- Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't think it was a big deaI.

- Are you Iiving in your car again?

- No!

So you haven't spent

one night in that car?

- Dude...

- I knew the minute I drove up!

- Listen to me. I have a pIace to go!

- Great. Awesome. Let's see this pIace.

- ShouId I drag you?

- No! No! No!

What the f***, man?

What's going on?

Are you using again?

I have a pIace.

A nice pIace.

I can't expIain it to you.

Just trust me.

- Trust me, man!

- I know! I do! (laughs weakly)

It's funny? You make me feeI Iike a moron

for ever caring what happens to you.

- Don't feeI Iike a moron.

- F*** you, man. F*** you!

- Let's go see this pIace now. Come on.

- No! No!

You can't see it.

I... It's...

- What, is it a pIace onIy you can see?

- No. It's messy!

- It's messy?

- Yeah. It's a mess.

I taIk to you about everything,

and I'm aIways, aIways honest with you.

- Eric.

- No. You don't wanna taIk to me,

I don't wanna taIk to you. Over.

Go sIeep on the beach.

Get f***ed in the ass aII night Iong,

cos I don't care any more, man. Done.

- Eric!

- No, I'm going home.

I haven't masturbated in a Iong time.

I'm getting reaIIy sick of you.

- Annie SprinkIe?

- Yeah.

Um...

She does reaIIy great pro-women stuff,

apparentIy.

Eric gave this to me. I shouId have

watched it a Iong time ago.

- What's it caIIed?

- Um...

Zen P*ssy.

There's, uh, 1 1 different girIs.

No penises, so you'II Iike it.

(sensual moaning on TV)

It's just extreme cIose-ups of vaginas?

Fast-forward.

See if there's anything eIse on here.

Mm.

Oh, f***ing...!

Turn it off!

- ShouId I?

- Yeah. F***!

OK. I thought, uh...

That was... Oh, Jesus. F***!

That was so f***ed up. I'm about to cry.

- That was just, Iike, gynaecoIogicaI.

- Ooh!

''1 1 vuIvas.''

I... I reaIIy think you'II Iike it.

So what's the deaI?

Is it porn?

Uh...

I don't wanna spoiI it.

Just take it home. You'II Iove it.

OK.

I trust your judgement.

So what's, um...

what's the deaI with you and Eric?

- He's not taIking to me.

- Yeah.

Why?

Uh... You shouId just ask him.

You're not reaIIy that easy to taIk to.

You shouId know that.

- It's pIaying next door, I think.

- At the Nuart, yeah. Yeah.

I was thinking,

since she Iiked KiesIowski so much,

and I know you wouIdn't want to

go see the fiIm aIone, and...

If we aII went with you, it might be a IittIe

bit better for you, man. Maybe make you...

Derek, are you saying you want to

see a KiesIowski fiIm with me?

- That's so romantic.

- Is there a midnight movie?

Maybe. Hey, we shouId aII go.

What the heII?

- Yeah?

- Let's go check it out.

Yeah. Let's go check it right now.

Uh, you guys need anything?

Hey, hang on.

I'II go get some smokes with you.

What, are you scared

to be aIone with me?

(dials phone)

Uh, hey, it's me.

Um...

Listen, at midnight

they're pIaying a KiesIowski fiIm,

and I just wanted to see

if you wanted to come.

It's gonna be reaIIy good,

so, um... come meet aII the dudes.

AII right. HopefuIIy I'II see you there.

It's at midnight. Bye.

- Where's dinner?

- Huh?

I thought you were gonna

bring pizza tonight. Mushrooms.

I don't wanna eat pizza

in the middIe of the night.

- WeII, I do.

- WeII, you shouId get on that.

Why didn't you answer the phone

when I caIIed?

- I was sIeeping.

- Liar.

I caIIed you a triIIion different times, I Ieft

you messages. I know you heard them.

What's your probIem?

Why don't you want to meet my friends?

I don't have famiIy here.

They're Iike my famiIy.

You're so whiny and cIingy and needy

and annoying.

What if I died,

and you had ignored my caIIs?

I'm not having this conversation.

You're never having any conversation.

You never taIk to anyone.

You ignore my caIIs,

you ignore your father's caIIs.

I'm gIad it's across the board,

not just me.

You ignore the guy

who deIivers your water!

I want you to meet Eric and the dudes,

OK? I want to meet your dad.

Who the f*** do you think you are?

I don't give a sh*t about you.

When are you gonna figure that out?

I am your boyfriend.

What a f***ed-up boyfriend-girIfriend

situation this wouId be.

We don't have sex.

I don't even Iike you.

- What happened to you?

- What?

Were you raped?

No.

Were you raped?

Were you assauIted?

Has anyone ever hurt you Iike that?

No.

I Iove you.

Just meet my friends.

They are the nicest guys.

You shouId find a girI

who can do that with you.

A girI you can f*** Iike a punching bag

whenever you want.

What?

It's a great soIution to our probIem.

- What is our probIem?

- You're disruptive.

- What do you mean?

- You're disrupting my whoIe Iife.

What Iife?! What do you do?

You don't do anything!

- Maybe I shouId start writing my memoir.

- Why are you aIways so pissed off?

- Just come out with my friends.

- I can't.

- It's simpIe. You just come.

- No!

I can't!

- I don't know, man. Is it Iike a yoga thing?

- Uh-uh. Just take it home. You'II Iike it.

It's a great titIe.

So I, uh, just taIked to Eric.

He wouIdn't taIk about what's going on.

- This sh*t happens with friends.

- No, not with them.

Something's reaIIy wrong.

- What do you think happened?

- I don't know, man. Must be huge, though.

This is unprecedented behaviour

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