Goodbye, Columbus

Mrs. Elliot Tollger,

Mrs. Elliot Tollger, telephone.

Wilma Kay, Wilma Kay,

to the front desk, please.

Wilma Kay, Wilma Kay,

front desk, please.

- Would you hold my glasses?

- What?

- Would you mind holding my glasses?

- Sure.

- I told you not to put my glasses on.

- No, I don't care.

- Didn't I buy you your own?

- I don't like them!

- These are big for you.

- I don't like them!

Come on, I'm gonna tell your father.

Come on, Brenda, let's go.

We're late.

Coming.

Miss Robin Kellish, Miss Robin

Kellish, to the first tee, please.

Hey, hey, you forgot your glasses.

Brenda, come on.

I'm coming.

Mrs. Sidney Cohen,

Mrs. Sidney Cohen, telephone.

Hey, Doris, do you know her?

- Why?

- Doris, I give you my word,

I won't embarrass you, I promise.

If you call her up, so help me,

I will never ask you here again.

So help me. Never again!

- Hi, sweetie.

- The playboy from the country club.

- Oh, delicious, delicious.

- Don't put the towel on the furniture.

- Where's the phone book?

- Which one?

- The suburban phone book.

- Under the leg of the sideboard.

- Who are you calling?

- A girl I met today.

Oh, Doris introduced you?

She wouldn't introduce me

to the man who drains the pool.

Very nice, how you talk about

a cousin. Oh, look what time it is.

Your Uncle Max will be home soon,

and I didn't even feed you yet.

Aunt Gladys, why don't we

eat together for once.

Sure, I should serve

four different meals.

You eat Jewish pot roast,

Susan with the cottage cheese,

Uncle Max has steak. Friday night is

his steak night. I wouldn't deny him.

And all I'm having

is a little cold chicken.

So I should jump up and down,

up and down, up and down?

What am I, a workhorse?

This may come as a big surprise,

but in some families,

everybody sits down at the

same time and eats the same thing.

Big shot. Twenty years,

I'm running this house.

Is Brenda there?

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Is Brenda there?

- Supper's ready.

- Coming.

When do you expect her in?

No, this is nobody.

- It's getting cold.

- In a moment. Come on.

There's no message. No, I'm sorry.

Come, sweetheart, eat.

Make sure you do that. Keep it

straight. This has got to be straight.

- Hello.

- Hi, honey.

- I thought you were driving golf balls.

- I drove them already.

OK? There you go.

Good girl. Now try it on your own.

- Thought you were driving golf balls.

- Already did.

- Having dinner with us?

- I'll eat later.

I'm meeting Simp for tennis.

Is that my phone or your phone

or Ron's phone?

- It's your phone.

- They all sound alike to me.

Hello.

Who's calling please?

Just a minute. Brenda.

- You know anybody named Klugman?

- Klugman?

Unless I didn't understand him right.

- Hello?

- Carlotta!

You don't know me.

That is, you don't know my name.

I held your glasses for you

at the club today. I'm not a member.

You asked me to. My cousin

Doris is. Doris Klugman?

- Doris?

- She always reads War and Peace.

That's how we know it's summer,

Doris reads War and Peace.

- What did you say your name is?

- Neil Klugman.

You asked me to hold

your glasses at the board, remember?

- What do you look like?

- Well, I'm kind of dark.

- Are you a Negro?

- No, I'm a Sagittarian.

- See how you like it.

- I'll do it.

What do you look like?

Listen, can I pick you up tonight

and show you?

- I'm playing tennis tonight.

- How about after tennis?

- I'll be sweaty after.

- I don't mind.

- Can I come see you tonight?

- OK.

Briarpath Hills. You know

where that is? Around 8:15.

I'll be driving a blue convertible so

you'll know me. How will I know you?

I'll be sweating.

- Come home early.

- Where are you going?

- Out.

- Don't forget to lock the door.

- Where are you going?

- Never.

- Have a candy.

- Always running.

- Where is he going?

- Don't forget to lock the door.

Don't stay out late.

Where is he going?

- He's always running.

- Where is he going?

- Game, 5-4.

- Brenda, Brenda!

Neil? I want one more game.

I'll be there in a minute.

Not necessarily. My serve.

Fifteen-love.

- It hit the line.

- No, it didn't. It's out.

- You're absolutely wrong.

- Do you mind?

All right, go on, go on.

My game.

Deuce.

Come on, Simp, get going.

My ad.

Game. I won.

- Neil?

- Hi, hello.

- Oh, this is Simp. Neil Klugman.

- Hi. Hi. Great game, great game.

- Can we drop you off somewhere?

- No.

I'm perfectly capable

of finding my own way.

- Who's Miss Nice?

- Miss Laura Simpson Sokolov.

- Otherwise known as "Simp".

- Why not "Socko"?

Because Simp

is her Bennington name.

- Is that where you go to school?

- No, she does.

- Where do you go to school?

- Boston.

- University?

- Radcliffe.

- What does cousin Doris look like?

- Doris is dark, and she's...

- Is she a Negro?

- We don't know.

I guess I don't know her.

Is she a new member?

I guess so. They just moved to West...

They just moved to Westchester

a couple of years ago.

Hey, you remember me

holding your glasses now?

Yeah, I think I do.

- Do you live in Westchester too?

- The Bronx.

- We lived there when I was a baby.

- Say, listen. Wait.

How come you rush the net

only when it's dark?

Oh, you noticed that?

Simp the Simpleton doesn't.

I couldn't figure that out.

I don't want to be close

unless I'm sure she can't return it.

- Why?

- Because I'm afraid of my nose.

- What?

- I had it fixed.

- Yeah? What was the matter with it?

- It was bumpy.

- A lot?

- No.

I was pretty, and now I'm prettier.

My brother's having his fixed in the fall.

Does he want to be prettier?

Sorry, sorry. I don't mean to sound

facetious, but why's he doing it?

Because he wants to.

Unless he decides to become

a gym teacher, but he won't.

We all look like my father.

Does your father wanna have

his nose fixed too?

- Why are you being so nasty?

- I'm not nasty. My goodness.

I'm suave and sophisticated.

Do I sound nasty?

Now, about your nose,

what does it cost to get it fixed?

A thousand dollars, unless you

go to a butcher. Why?

Well, I have to see if you got

your money's worth.

If I let you kiss me,

would you stop being so nasty?

- I don't always do that.

- Why'd you do it now?

I felt like it.

Feel like it again?

No.

Is that the end of our date?

I don't feel like having a date tonight.

There's my house.

- Come to the club tomorrow.

- I'm not a member.

Be my guest.

- What time?

- Two o'clock.

Mrs. Jerome Lorry,

Mrs. Jerome Lorry, telephone.

Doris, do you know that's

coming out in a comic-book form?

- What are you doing here?

- I'm visiting.

Who?

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

- Oh, I am.

You were crazy before,

but you were never pushy.

That's my new career.

I'm gonna be a social climber.

Elliot Tollger, Elliot Tollger, telephone.

- Hi, come on in.

- Hello. Give me your glasses.

I should break

the damn things. I hate them.

I should've worn

my contact lenses anyway.

You could have your eyes fixed.

- Are you gonna start that again?

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