Goodbye, Columbus Page #2

- I already did.

Hey, Doris, hold this

for Brenda, will you?

I'm not her slave.

Doris, I've wanted to tell you

something for a long time now.

You're a pain in the ass.

Well, that's very nice. Thank you.

After I invite you to the club.

That was yesterday.

Well, what about last year?

- Is that Doris?

- Yeah, she's peeling.

- Yeah, I noticed.

- She's gonna have her skin fixed.

- No, don't do it. Don't, don't...

- I've got something unbelievable.

Doris always invites me here

once a year

so my parents can't complain

her parents don't look after me.

You mean, you don't live

with your parents?

They moved to Arizona.

Arizona? I didn't think anybody

lived there. I mean, any Jewish people.

Only cowboys?

Yeah, and people with asthma.

Which is why they moved there.

To be cowboys with asthma.

You're so stupid.

- That's terrific.

- Why?

I don't know. I guess it

gives them a lot in common.

Only their asthma.

Which is more than most

married couples seem to have.

Why does it seem to bother you?

- What?

- The subject of marriage.

You really notice things.

You planning to get married

to somebody in particular? Seriously?

Well, I was engaged for a year,

until last week.

What happened?

- Hi, Bren.

- What are you so happy about?

The Red Sox took two.

We having Carl Yastrzemski

for dinner?

Of course.

Every time the Red Sox win, we have

to set an extra place for Yastrzemski.

- Hey, you want to race?

- No.

Why don't you go race alone.

- Do you want to go with him?

- No, thanks.

This is Neil Klugman,

my brother, Ronald Patimkin.

- How are you?

- Hi.

- You better watch that.

- Yeah.

- Watch that.

- How are you?

- You wanna race?

- Not right now, thanks.

Race him. I have to call home

and say you're coming for supper.

Am I? I've gotta call my aunt.

You didn't say anything about...

- I mean, my clothes.

- We dine au naturel.

- What?

- Swim, my dear.

Julie.

Julie, elbows off the table.

And eat. Eat your dinner. Millions of

children are starving all over the world.

- When's Harriette calling?

- Five o'clock.

- It was 5:
00.

- Their time.

Why is it earlier in Columbus?

Suppose you took the plane

back and forth all day.

You'd never get older.

- Oh, that's right, sweetie.

- Why do you give her misinformation?

- Is that why she goes to school?

- I haven't the slightest idea.

You know, you're a big

college girl now.

Carlotta?

Carlotta, Ronald wants more!

- More what?

- More chicken.

- Me too, Carlotta.

- They'll have to roll you on the links.

What are you talking about?

Look, I lost a couple pounds.

- Dad, look at this.

- Ronald.

- Would you care to bare your middle?

- No, thank you.

Well, I'm glad that somebody

is aware of how to behave at the table.

- Thank you.

- Chicken?

- Oh, no, thank you.

- He eats like a bird.

Come on, Carlotta.

I'm playing ball tonight.

- Don't forget, tape your wrists.

- All right, but I got no mobility...

Just wear an Ace bandage

and put heat on.

Not an important game.

I want you good for the championship.

Last year you didn't listen,

same thing happened.

- Where do you live, Bill?

- Neil.

- Didn't I say, "Neil"?

- You said, "Where do you live, Bill?"

I hate tape. How the hell

can I play in tape?

- Don't curse!

- That's right.

- See?

- See what?

- Oh, I was just talking to Bill.

- Neil.

Just eat already.

- A little less talking, young lady.

- I didn't say anything.

- She was talking to me, sweetie.

- What is this "she" business?

That's how you call

your mother today? She? She?

If I called my mother "she",

my father would give me a clop.

- I got chicken caught in my braces.

- Eat your dinner. We'll clean it later.

Do you go to college?

What?

College.

I went into college

before I went into the Army.

- Oh, what did you study?

- I was an English major.

- English?

- Literature.

- Kind of unusual, isn't it? For a boy?

- Well, he wants to be a teacher.

No, no, no, not necessarily.

Carlotta, please, I'm gonna be late.

It's Harriette! Harriette's

on the phone! Harriette!

Carlotta? Is the bicarbonate

still in the downstairs toilet?

- Yes, it is.

- Oh, those damn radishes.

Why don't we have coffee

and dessert outside.

- Carlotta!

- Yes.

- Bring the chocolate cake outside.

- OK.

It was a wonderful dinner.

Hold on, I can't breathe.

I can't make it.

Go, run. Grab it.

Don't stand too far, now.

Almost, almost.

- Straighten up.

- Well...

- Good girl.

- What kind of work do you do?

I'm working

at the library at the moment.

The public library?

I've been there for about a year now,

ever since I got out of the Army.

Oh, well, it must be very interesting,

the library business.

I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.

No, not very.

Can somebody please move the car

blocking the convertible? I'm late.

- Is that me?

- I don't know.

I'm blocking the convertible.

No, I'm blocking the convertible,

you're blocking me.

- Chocolate.

- Yummy.

- You don't say "thank you" anymore?

- Thank you.

You little doll.

Where did she meet him?

Who knows? At the club.

He eats like a bird.

Come on, let's play.

Probably.

That's probably why I did it.

- Wanna play? Daddy's tired.

- Yeah, take over for me, will you?

Go ahead, go ahead.

I haven't touched a basketball

since I got out of high school.

Be good to your daddy,

he's getting old.

- No, it's not true.

- Hi, beautiful.

Hello.

Daddy, I missed.

Can I take it over again?

Certainly. You want to take it

over again, take it over.

- I don't let guests win.

- I see.

Finally.

- Can I take that over again?

- No.

- Daddy?

- Forget it.

What does your friend do

in the library?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Is that the kind of work

he wants to do?

Why?

- I won, Daddy!

- Good girl.

I won, I won, I won!

I beat him, Daddy!

- Why'd you let her win?

- I didn't, she beat me.

Come on, even Ron lets her win,

and he's a semipro.

- That's my baby.

- It's time to go brush your teeth.

- Ten more minutes.

- It's late.

- Oh, ten more minutes, please.

- It's late. You know what time it is?

- So? She'll sleep ten minutes later.

- Oh, Ben.

My tsatskeleh, right?

Wanna take a drive

or go to the movies? What?

Oh, I don't know.

- Brush your teeth and be good.

- OK.

Leave her alone.

She'll get tired of him.

Klugman? Klugman,

can I talk to you a minute?

Would you take

the main information desk?

Ericson called. His mom's

not well, he can't come in.

There's always something. Always.

Hi, sweetie. How are you?

Hey, mister, where's the art section?

- The what?

- Art section.

- Spell it.

- A-R-T.

Art. You mean art.

You mean art books, reproductions.

- Yeah, them.

- We got them in a lot of places.

- Which artist are you interested in?

- All of them.

OK, I'll tell you what you do.

Walk all the way across the floor there.

- You see that staircase over there?

- Yeah.

Now, you take that staircase

up one flight,

and you follow the arrow

to where it says "stack three".

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