Goodbye Christopher Robin

1

ALAN:
Daphne?

Yes?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SOLDIERS SCREAMING)

(FLIES BUZZING)

(PANTING)

(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER)

Do excuse me.

Poor Blue.

Are you feeling odd?

Come on.

I'll let you dance with me.

Come on.

You're the man.

Take the lead.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GRUNTS)

Damn it. I'm sorry.

Well, I should

think so too!

You laddered my stockings.

Don't mind them.

They're all just jealous

because my husband is the

only one clever enough...

...not to get himself killed.

I say, do you mind

if I cut in?

Oh!

Ernest!

Hello, Blue.

You'll just have to

find another partner, Daph.

All right.

I was at the Somme.

That was a bad show.

They were all bad shows.

Where were you?

Passchendaele.

Exactly.

Milne! You're back.

Rupert.

How splendid you look.

And Shepard! Punch's funniest

writer and best illustrator.

Ready to put a smile back

on our faces?

Oh, yes. In fact, I wrote

a brilliant little farce

while I was at the front.

Did you really?

I sat there with my

typewriter, glass of sherry...

...knocked it out while

the whizz bangs

popped all around us.

Sometimes the gas would

steam my glasses up,

you know,

but apart from that...

Well, this is wonderful news.

I can't wait to read it.

(GLASS CLINKING)

(APPLAUSE)

Milne.

Right.

Where to start?

A few years ago in Sarajevo,

one Archduke was shot.

And the next thing we know,

ten million

non-archdukes are shot.

And for what?

What a jolly little farce.

But I know that

the final curtain...

...is surely coming

for archdukes

and top hats and the like...

...and for all

the other fools...

...who led ordinary decent

folk to the slaughter.

So, what can one say but...

...Tinketty Tonk.

Tinketty Tonk.

ALAN:
We were

always exhausted.

Never quite knew if we

were awake or dreaming.

And the flies.

Big bloated blue bottles.

Not just the flies

themselves...

...but the thought

they used to be maggots.

And when they were maggots,

they were eating...

That's quite enough of that.

I'm sorry,

I thought you were asleep.

You know, if you don't

think about a thing,

then it ceases to exist.

It's true. I read about it.

It's all in Plato.

It's called philosophy.

Oh, philosophy.

Well, I hope you know

you're laughing at Plato.

(ALAN LAUGHING)

(DAPHNE EXHALES)

Blue, life is full of

frightful things.

The great thing

is to find something

to be happy about

and stick to that.

Hmm?

(DAPHNE SCREAMING)

DAPHNE:
Oh, my G...

Get it out!

It's quite all right.

It's all going swimmingly.

It's not all right!

Where is he? Blue!

Blue?

That's me.

Perhaps I should...

She's a silly girl.

(DAPHNE CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(BABY CRYING)

Here he is, sir.

(COOS)

Perfect birth, sir.

However,

Mrs. Milne was unaware of

the mechanics of the thing.

Ah.

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

Daphne.

Get him out.

Daph...

I will not have him

see me blubbing.

Probably best, sir.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

ALAN:
Latest Milne

production debuted

at 20 past 6:
00

this morning...

...weighing in at

a startling nine pounds.

Good heavens.

(ALL CONGRATULATING)

At least the midwife

says nine pounds.

I have the distinct

impression that

midwives are a little

like anglers, you know?

Prone to exaggerate

the size of the catch.

(LAUGHTER)

Shall I propose a toast?

A double toast!

There's to be a revival

of Alan's play

Mr. Pim Passes By

at the Kingsway.

(CORK POPS)

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

You all right?

Yes.

I'm the same

when my motorbike backfires.

I've been thinking

of moving down

to the countryside where

it's peaceful and quiet.

Don't tell Daphne,

for God's sake.

Up here. That's what

we need to sort out.

LADY:
A toast.

C. R. Milne.

ALL:
C.R. Milne.

(BABY CRYING)

(CRYING CONTINUES

AND INTENSIFIES)

Hello?

Oh.

Hello?

Hmm.

Uh...

Not completely sure

which way up he should go.

Still alive. (CHUCKLES)

You know, Daph, boys

can be fun too, you know.

I'm a boy.

I just keep thinking.

It's such a terrible feeling.

He's a boy.

He'll grow up.

He'll put on a uniform

and he'll go off to war.

And I will be waiting again

like I waited for you.

Never knowing.

You listen to me.

I just fought in the War

to End All Wars.

There won't be another one.

I couldn't stand

to love someone

who was going

away again, Blue.

Not like that.

His name

is Christopher Robin,

but we generally

call him Billy.

Oh.

You thought he was a girl.

So did we

until he was born.

Please, take a seat.

She was going

to be called Rosemary

and I bought her all these

delicious dresses.

I see.

Just seems a pity to

waste them, don't you think?

Of course.

Well, you have had

an interesting life.

Looking after the Chilean

ambassador's children.

What fun!

And terrific parties,

I should think.

It was very enjoyable.

We traveled a lot.

Why would you

want to look after him

when you've had

such fun, then?

My mother is quite ill.

She'll be needing

some attention from me.

So staying in one place

will be useful.

Well, we're

going on holiday.

Just to Italy.

For a month or so.

OLIVE:
Oh, very wise.

By the time you come home,

I shall have your little man

settled into a nice,

steady routine.

That's very reassuring.

You know, the one good thing

about the war is...

...there are lots of marvelous

women around like you...

...who are never

going to get married

because there are no men.

So you can take on

work like this.

Daphne.

Yes? But it's true,

isn't it?

(DAPHNE AND ALAN LAUGHING)

OLIVE:
Mummy and Daddy

are going to a ball!

ALAN:
Your majesty.

DAPHNE:
(CHUCKLES) My liege.

Don't they look lovely?

Goodbye!

Look, Billy, Mummy and Daddy

are off again on holiday.

Ho-li-day.

Thank you.

OLIVE:

It's Daddy's first night.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Nou,

how can it be his first night?

Blue is about

100 years old.

OLIVE:
It's the first night

of his new play, silly.

Well, for all you cricket

enthusiasts here in the audience...

...I'm sorry

to report that rain

has stopped play at the Oval.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Here in the West End,

of course,

nothing stops the play.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(FLIES BUZZING)

Um, this, this play...

I-I wrote this play...

This, this play was...

(EXPLOSIONS)

I wrote this...

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

I wrote this...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

The play was, um...

You're supposed

to make a speech.

You're supposed to say

something sweet about...

(PANTING)

(CHATTERING)

DAPHNE:
You missed

the most enchanting party.

ERNEST:
And the play

was pretty good.

DAPHNE:

It's in all the papers,

if you want the details.

"The Princess Royal

accompanied by

Princess Maud was in a box.

"Sir James Barrie and...

"...the elegant Mrs. Milne."

Alan, if you

hadn't deserted me,

people wouldn't

take the liberty

of making

remarks like that.

Remarks? What remarks?

"Elegant" is not a remark.

DAPHNE:
"Elegant" means

over 30. Everyone knows that.

ERNEST:
You'll never

be elegant in my eyes.

What did we fight

that war for?

Why doesn't anyone

talk about it?

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